Last Updated on August 20, 2025 by Michael
Look, you’re about to spend 45 minutes in a tube that sounds like a broken dishwasher having an argument with a jackhammer. Why not make it memorable?
1. “THE MAGNETS ARE SPEAKING TO ME IN MORSE CODE!”
You know what’s worse than the endless banging? The silence when the tech asks if you’re okay through that tiny speaker. Break the ice by claiming you’ve decoded a message from the machine itself.
Bonus points if you actually know Morse code and can tap out “S.O.S.” with your finger on the panic button without actually pressing it.
2. “CAN YOU TURN UP THE BASS? THIS BEAT SLAPS!”
Why pretend the noise is unbearable when you can pretend it’s the hottest underground techno track of 2025? Start bobbing your head slightly. Ask if they have the extended remix.
The technician will either laugh or immediately check your chart for head injury notes. Win-win.
3. “MARCO!”
Simple. Elegant. Confusing.
Wait exactly 3.7 seconds for someone to respond with “Polo.” When they don’t, yell it louder. Then act surprised when they ask if you’re okay, like you genuinely expected this to be a team sport.
4. “YOU GUYS GETTING THIS IN 4K?”
| What to Say Next | Confusion Level | Tech’s Likely Response |
|---|---|---|
| “Because this is going straight to my TikTok” | Medium | Nervous laughter |
| “You better not use the Valencia filter” | High | Complete silence |
| “Tag me when you post this” | Maximum | Checks if you’re on medication |
5. “WAIT, THIS ISN’T THE TANNING BED?”
Timing is everything here. Wait until you’re halfway through the scan. The longer you wait, the funnier it gets.
Follow up with: “No wonder you guys seemed confused when I asked about the bronze package.”
6. “IS IT NORMAL THAT I CAN TASTE PURPLE NOW?”
Synesthesia jokes never get old when you’re trapped in a giant magnet. Really sell it by describing the flavor profile. Is purple more like grape or eggplant? You decide.
Then casually mention that Thursday smells like cinnamon. They’ll love that.
7. “THE PROPHECY WAS TRUE!”
Don’t elaborate.
Just leave it at that.
8. “CAN YOU PLAY MY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST INSTEAD?”
Here’s your chance to critique their “entertainment” options:
- “This ambient noise could use more cowbell”
- “You call this white noise? It’s beige at best”
- “One star on Yelp for the soundtrack alone”
- “My neighbor’s leaf blower has better rhythm”
9. “IF I THINK REALLY HARD ABOUT METAL, WILL IT MESS UP THE PICTURES?”
You want to sound just scientifically curious enough to be concerning. Mention you’ve been visualizing paper clips for the last ten minutes. Ask if that’s why the machine sounds angry.
10. “HELLO, EXTENDED WARRANTY DEPARTMENT?”
Act like you’re on a phone call. Discuss coverage plans for your organs. Ask about the premium package for your liver.
Really commit to the bit by negotiating prices.
11. “MY HOROSCOPE SAID I’D BE SURROUNDED BY POSITIVE ENERGY TODAY!”
Perfect for when they explain how the magnetic field works. Bonus points if you ask whether Mercury being in retrograde affects the scan quality.
You could also inquire if they do chakra alignments while they’re at it. You’re already horizontal, after all.
12. “PLOT TWIST: I’M ACTUALLY CLAUSTROPHOBIC!”
The Delivery Timeline:
- Minute 1-5: Too early, seems planned
- Minute 15: Perfect comedic timing
- Minute 30: They might actually believe you
- Minute 44: Pure chaos
13. “SO THIS IS WHAT THE INSIDE OF A BURRITO FEELS LIKE”
End strong with an existential food comparison. Really lean into it:
You’re wrapped tight. It’s warm. Someone’s about to look at your insides.
Ask if they can add guac for an extra charge. Wonder aloud if this is how Hot Pockets achieve consciousness. Philosophize about whether you’re now technically a wrap or a roll.
Quick Reference Guide for Maximum Chaos
| Timing | What to Yell | Panic Level It Causes |
|---|---|---|
| Early scan | “Is it supposed to smell like toast?” | 7/10 |
| Mid-scan | “THE PROPHECY WAS TRUE!” | 9/10 |
| Late scan | “Can we do that again? I blinked” | 10/10 |
Things You Definitely Shouldn’t Say
Let’s be real though. You probably shouldn’t say:
- “You found the keys yet?”
- “The metal plate in my head is getting warm”
- “Oops, forgot about my piercings”
- “Is that smoke normal?”
Save those for your colonoscopy.
The Grand Finale
You’ve made it through the scan. The table slides out. The tech approaches with visible relief. This is your moment.
Look them dead in the eye and whisper: “Same time next week?”
They’ll either ban you from the facility or put you in their hall of fame.
Either way, you’ve won.
Disclaimer: Please don’t actually do any of this. Your MRI tech is just trying to get through their shift and probably has enough stories without you adding to the collection. But hey, thinking about yelling these things might make those 45 minutes pass a little faster.
You’re welcome.
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