7 Ways to Make Your Ex Regret Leaving You

Breaking up sucks. But the best revenge is living well—or making your ex think you are, while you plot their downfall with the precision of a mad scientist. Here’s how to make them wish they never left.

1. Post Pics of You and Your New “Partner”—A Mannequin

Get yourself a high-quality mannequin. Dress it up in the sexiest clothes you can find. Take it on dates, and make sure to document every single moment. A romantic picnic? Check. A cozy night in with takeout? Absolutely. Make sure to post these on all social media platforms with captions like, “Finally found someone who never talks back.” Your ex will be so confused and possibly a bit terrified. Perfect.

If you really want to sell it, buy matching outfits. Take couple selfies in bed, at the park, at funerals—wherever. The goal here is to be so over the top that your ex can’t help but wonder if you’ve completely lost it, or if you’re just so damn happy without them that you’ve moved on to dating inanimate objects.

Get your friends in on the act. Have them comment things like, “You two are perfect together!” or “So happy for you!” This isn’t just about confusing your ex. It’s about creating an alternate reality where you’re winning at life by dating a mannequin. It’s unsettling and genius at the same time.

2. Start a Cult and Make Your Ex the Unwitting Mascot

Starting a cult isn’t as hard as you think. All you need is a charismatic personality, a weird ideology, and some gullible followers. Once you’ve got your cult up and running, make sure your ex is a central figure—without their knowledge. Name the cult after them, create bizarre rituals in their honor, and post everything online.

Host “Ex Appreciation Days” where you and your cult members perform strange ceremonies. Maybe it involves chanting their name while dancing around a bonfire. Maybe it’s a weird art installation of their face made entirely out of macaroni. The more ridiculous, the better. Your ex will be both horrified and mystified.

Every time they Google themselves, they’ll see a growing community of people who worship them in the most unsettling ways possible. Bonus points if you can get a local news station to cover one of your events. Nothing says “I’m better off without you” like a news segment about how you’ve dedicated your life to some insane new religion.

3. Send Them a “Congratulations on Your Vasectomy” Card—Even If They Haven’t Had One

Head over to your local card shop and get the most over-the-top “Congratulations on Your Vasectomy” card you can find. Write a heartfelt message inside about how proud you are of their brave decision. Sign it with a flourish and mail it to their workplace, making sure it’s opened in front of as many coworkers as possible.

For added effect, send a box of chocolates shaped like tiny sperm. This is a great way to confuse and embarrass your ex while making them question every life choice that led them to this moment. Their coworkers will never look at them the same way again, and you’ll be the mastermind behind their public humiliation.

Make sure to follow up with a bouquet of flowers and a note saying, “Get well soon, big guy!” It’s all about creating a narrative where they’re the star of an increasingly bizarre and public ordeal. The more you can involve others in their workplace, the better.

4. Hire a Mariachi Band to Follow Them Around for a Day

Nothing says “I’m better off without you” like sending a full mariachi band to follow your ex around for an entire day. Make sure they know their job is to sing only breakup songs and songs about lost love. This is especially effective if your ex works in an office or some other quiet environment.

Arrange for the band to meet your ex as soon as they leave their house in the morning. Have them perform a serenade outside their door, then follow them to work, to lunch, and everywhere in between. It’s a full day of musical torment, and your ex won’t know whether to laugh or cry.

For added chaos, include a “tip jar” for passersby to contribute to keep the band playing longer. Your ex will be mortified as the public chips in to extend their serenade. Make sure to get a friend to film the whole thing and upload it to social media. Your ex will regret ever underestimating your capacity for revenge.

5. Sell Their Belongings in a Garage Sale and Advertise It as a Charity Event

Gather up all the stuff they left behind: old clothes, books, that hideous lamp they insisted on keeping. Then, throw a garage sale and advertise it as a charity event for “The Heartbroken and Fabulous Foundation.” Make flyers, post on social media, and invite everyone in the neighborhood.

Price everything at rock-bottom prices. You’re not in this for the money; you’re in it for the sheer satisfaction of watching their precious items disappear into the hands of strangers. Make sure to tell everyone who stops by that these items belonged to your ex who made the terrible decision to leave you.

Provide refreshments and make it a party. The more people you can get involved, the better. It’s all about making your ex feel like their life has been liquidated and distributed among strangers. They’ll think twice before leaving someone with such a flair for dramatic retribution.

6. Get a Billboard With Their Most Embarrassing Moment

Rent a billboard in a prominent location and plaster it with a giant photo of your ex during their most humiliating moment. Maybe it’s that time they got so drunk they passed out in a fountain. Maybe it’s a photo of them dressed up in a ridiculous costume. The more embarrassing, the better.

Include a caption like, “This is what you’re missing out on!” and your ex’s name for good measure. Make sure it’s up for at least a month. Their daily commute will become a walk of shame, and you’ll be the mastermind behind their public humiliation on a grand scale.

Consider getting a second billboard on the opposite side of town with another embarrassing photo. Make it a scavenger hunt for their dignity. They’ll be living in constant fear of where the next one might pop up. It’s a bold move, but sometimes you have to go big to make a lasting impression.

7. Become a Viral Sensation by Faking Your Own Death

Create an elaborate plan to fake your own death. It might sound extreme, but we’re going for maximum regret here. Start by posting cryptic messages on social media about feeling “overwhelmed by life” and needing a break. Then, disappear for a few days.

Have a friend or family member post a heartfelt tribute to you on social media, announcing your untimely demise. Include details about a fake funeral service and ask people to share their favorite memories of you. The more over-the-top, the better. Your ex will be devastated and filled with regret for all the things left unsaid.

After a week or two, stage a dramatic resurrection. Post a video explaining that you needed to escape your old life and start anew. Talk about how the experience made you realize who your true friends are and how much better off you are without the toxicity of your past relationships. Your ex will be left questioning everything, from their sanity to their role in your bizarre rebirth.

Conclusion

Remember, the best way to make your ex regret leaving you is to live your life on your own terms—wild, crazy, and unapologetically you. Whether it’s dating a mannequin, starting a cult, or faking your own death, the goal is to show them that they missed out on the most entertaining ride of their life. So, go out there and make them wish they never let you go.