9 Fun Things to Do With Your Genital Warts

Last Updated on August 31, 2025 by Michael

Because Your Therapist Is Already Booked Solid

Genital warts.

Two words nobody wants in their search history. Yet here you are, probably on incognito mode, looking for literally any way to make this situation less soul-crushing.

Good news: You’re not dying. Bad news: You’re about to develop an uncomfortably intimate relationship with your pharmacist Brad, who definitely judges you despite his professional smile.

1. Give Them Names Because Humanizing Your Problems Always Helps

You wouldn’t ignore a houseguest, would you? (Actually you might, but that’s beside the point.)

Meet the gang:

• Wartsworth Bentley III
• The Bump Dynasty
• Craig
• That Bitch Rebecca
• The Tuesday Surprise Package
• Kevin and his disappointing son, Kevin Jr.

Craig showed up first, acting all innocent. Then Rebecca appeared and honestly? She’s the worst. Always itchy, always dramatic, always making her presence known during important Zoom calls. Kevin Jr. is basically his father but somehow worse – genetics are cruel that way.

Create elaborate backstories. Wartsworth comes from old money but squandered it all on cryptocurrency. Rebecca sells essential oils to other warts. It’s stupid, sure, but you know what else is stupid? THIS ENTIRE SITUATION.

2. Start a Support Group That Nobody Wants on Their Resume

You think you’re alone?

Hate to break it to you, but statistically speaking, at least three people in your office are dealing with the same thing. That weird walk accounting Steve does? Not a hip problem.

Your Meeting Agenda (Laminated for Easy Sanitizing)

The beautiful thing about Wart Club? Everyone’s too embarrassed to talk about it outside the meeting. Built-in confidentiality.

3. Become a Sophisticated Medical Disaster

Rate your experience like some kind of demented Michelin inspector.

The Texture Assessment Scale™: From “speed bump on the highway of life” to “topographical map of your poor choices”

Strategic Location Rating: “Easily concealed” to “God has a sense of humor and it’s dark”

The Itch-o-Meter: Measured in how many times you’ve pretended to drop something just to readjust

Document everything in a spreadsheet. Color-code it. Add pivot tables. Your doctor won’t know whether to be impressed or deeply concerned about your coping mechanisms. (Spoiler: it’s concerned. They’re definitely concerned.)

4. Lie Like Your Social Life Depends on It

Because it kind of does.

Rookie Moves:

• “Allergic reaction”
• “Bike accident” (nobody rides bikes anymore, try again)
• “Rough yoga session”

Intermediate Deception:

• “Clinical trial. Can’t discuss. Big pharma, you understand.”
• “You ever hear about that Brazilian thing? No? Good.”

Professional Gaslighting: Maintain unblinking eye contact. Say nothing. Let them create their own narrative. They won’t ask again.

Truth is, everyone’s too polite to push for details once you make it weird enough. Use that social contract to your advantage.

5. Create the World’s Most Depressing Drinking Game

Take a drink every time:

• An HPV vaccine commercial personally attacks you
• Your targeted ads get suspiciously specific about medical creams
• Someone says “cauliflower” and you have a visceral reaction
• You catch yourself doing that weird legs-crossed standing thing
• Google autocompletes your medical searches before you finish typing

Finish everything in your house when:

• The pharmacy tech says “See you next week!” unprompted

6. Revolutionary Underwear Designs Nobody Asked For

Calvin Klein isn’t ready for this conversation.

The “Everything’s Fine” Collection:

“The Denial Deluxe” – So much fabric it’s basically a tent. Comfort through complete coverage.

“Arctic Blast” – Built-in ice pack pockets because inflammation doesn’t take sick days.

“The Witness Protection” – Changes your entire lower body silhouette. New identity included.

Tagline: “When life gives you warts, demand better underwear.”

Honestly? This is a billion-dollar untapped market. Uncomfortable people spend money on solutions. You’re basically sitting on a goldmine. (Not literally. That would hurt.)

7. Write Scathing Reviews Nobody Will Read

Cryotherapy ⭐⭐ “Remember that scene in Terminator 2 with the liquid nitrogen? Like that but on your junk and somehow worse. Doctor said ‘minor discomfort.’ Doctor is either a liar or a sadist. Possibly both. Effective though, if you survive the emotional trauma.”

Prescription Cream ⭐⭐⭐ “Packaged like government secrets. Smells like a chemistry set having an existential crisis. Works at the speed of congressional legislation. You’ll memorize the entire warning label out of boredom. Side effects include questioning all your life choices.”

Laser Treatment ⭐ “Costs more than your car payment. Feels like paying someone to commit very specific violence against you. They give you goggles like you’re about to watch the eclipse, except the only thing getting burned is your dignity. And your credit score.”

8. Athletic Positions You Never Wanted to Master

Sitting is violence now. Standing looks suspicious. Lying down requires strategic planning.

You’re developing core strength that would make Olympic athletes jealous. Too bad you can’t put “exceptional pain management through interpretive squatting” on your LinkedIn.

Your new repertoire:

• The Nonchalant Lean (Oscar-worthy performance)
• The Power Hover (quads of steel, soul of despair)
• The Fidget Disguise (just really into stretching lately)

That standing desk you requested? Approved without questions. HR sees that look in your eyes – the look of someone who will burn this place down if denied basic comfort.

9. The Comeback Nobody’s Making a Movie About

Eventually, this ends. Science says so. Science better not be lying.

Your Phoenix Rising Checklist:

• Buy underwear that doesn’t look medical
• Clear browser history with the fury of a thousand suns
• Stop doing that weird cowboy walk
• Actually tell future partners because you’re not a complete monster
• Keep the doctor on speed dial because anxiety is forever
• Consider therapy for this whole experience
• Write a terrible Yelp review for the universe

You know what? You survived. You’re tougher now. You know more about HPV than any liberal arts major should. You’ve got a pharmacist who knows you by name and a therapist who’s heard things.

Craig is gone. Rebecca finally shut up. Kevin and Kevin Jr. moved out without leaving a forwarding address.

Victory tastes like medical-grade cream and bad decisions, but it’s still victory.

Listen. Go to a doctor. They’ve seen worse things before lunch on a Tuesday. Modern medicine is basically witchcraft for this stuff – expensive witchcraft, but it works.

Stop reading comedy articles written by someone who clearly needs professional help and go get actual professional help. The medical kind, not the mental kind. (Though honestly? Maybe both.)

Your junk deserves better than this. Craig certainly doesn’t deserve to stay rent-free. Evict him. Today.