9 Good Uses for That Tooth You Found in the Street

Alright, so you picked up a tooth off the sidewalk.

Just… let that sink in for a second. While everyone else was walking to Starbucks like normal members of society, you stopped, bent down, and grabbed what is essentially mouth shrapnel from a complete stranger. You’re now holding someone’s former chewing apparatus. Their enamel. Their actual skeleton bit that fell out and you thought “mine now.”

This is who you are now.

1. Become the Tooth Fairy’s Worst Nightmare

The Tooth Fairy—let’s talk about her for a second. She’s been running the same racket since forever, flying around with her little bag of quarters, acting like she invented the concept of calcium-for-cash exchange. Zero competition. Zero oversight. Probably doesn’t even pay taxes.

You know what she fears? Market disruption.

You’ve got teeth. You’ve got the kind of decision-making skills that lead to picking up biohazards recreationally. Time to unionize the tooth trade.

Think about it. Parents are exhausted, forgot the tooth thing again, kid’s crying at 6 AM about fairy discrimination. You swoop in with pre-owned teeth, save the day, everybody’s happy except probably the health department.

2. Start a Band Nobody Will Book

Every terrible band thinks they need a gimmick. Matching outfits. Fog machine. That one guy who insists on playing the keytar.

Wrong.

What you need is a mason jar full of human teeth as your primary percussion instrument. Shake it during the bridge. Rattle it during intimate acoustic sets. Watch the audience slowly realize those aren’t beans.

You’ll never get famous, but you’ll definitely get written about in police reports.

3. Monopoly Psychological Warfare

The scottie dog? Predictable. The thimble? Grandma energy. The car? Trying too hard.

The human tooth you found on Maple Street last Tuesday? Undefeated.

Nobody’s arguing about Free Parking rules with someone who brings human remains to game night. You want to be the banker? You’re the banker. You want to change the rules mid-game? Consider them changed. Your sister wants to know why you have a tooth? That’s her problem, not yours, and also she just landed on Boardwalk so pay up, Jennifer.

The game ends when everyone else is too uncomfortable to continue. You win by default. This is called strategy.

4. Home Security That Actually Works

ADT: $49.99/month
SimpliSafe: $39.99/month
Gluing a human tooth to your doorbell: Priceless (and deeply concerning)

Criminals case neighborhoods. They look for easy targets. You know what’s not an easy target? The house with teeth on it. That’s not a robbery waiting to happen—that’s the opening scene of a horror movie nobody wants to star in.

Your packages will sit untouched for days. Pizza delivery drivers will leave your food at the curb. The Jehovah’s Witnesses will actually remove you from their route. You’ve solved home security by making your home scarier than whatever criminals were planning.

Genius? Disturbing? Both? Yes.

5. Conversation Grenade

“How about those gas prices?”

Pull out the tooth.

“Did you have a good weekend?”

Tooth.

“Have you tried the new coffee shop on—”

TOOTH.

Watch as every boring conversation in your life evaporates instantly. No more pretending to care about your coworker’s marathon training. No more nodding along to your neighbor’s HOA complaints. You’ve found the ultimate conversation ender, and it lives in your pocket like the world’s worst party trick.

6. Scam Rich People (Legally!)

You know what the ultra-wealthy love more than tax evasion? Owning weird stuff nobody else has.

Call it “Found Object #7: A Meditation on Urban Decay and Dental Anxiety”
Price: $73,000
Medium: Reclaimed human enamel, bad decisions

Some tech executive will absolutely buy this. They’ll display it in their minimalist living room between their $30,000 couch and their investment skateboard they’ve never ridden. They’ll tell dinner guests it “challenges conventional notions of value” while you’re at home counting their money and googling “is selling teeth legal” for the fifth time this week.

The art world is just money laundering for people who can’t do math, and you’ve got inventory.

7. Worst Lucky Charm, Best Conversation Piece

Rabbit’s foot? You’re carrying around bunny murder.
Four-leaf clover? Botanical privilege.
Horseshoe? What are you, a cowboy?

Street tooth? Now that’s a power move.

Nothing says “fortune favors the bold” like carrying around human remains you found next to a Taco Bell. Rub it before job interviews. Kiss it before first dates. Let people see you doing these things. Will it bring luck? No. Will it ensure you’re never forgotten? Absolutely.

That’s basically the same thing.

8. Ruin Future Archaeology

Time capsules are supposed to preserve our culture for future generations. Newspapers. Photos. Letters about hopes and dreams.

You know what really captures the essence of 2025? A random tooth with zero context.

No note. No explanation. Just dental chaos for someone to discover in 2125.

Some poor PhD student will spend six years writing about “The Enigma of the singleton tooth: Religious artifact or warning?” Museums will debate its meaning. Netflix will make a documentary where experts argue about whether it was ritual or accident while you’re dead and can’t explain you just thought it would be funny.

Which it is.

9. Emergency Tooth (Patent Pending)

Look, everyone’s out here pretending they’re prepared for emergencies. First aid kit. Spare tire. Phone charger.

But who’s ready for a dental emergency? You. Only you.

Bar fight? Aggressive baguette? Tried to open a bottle with your teeth like an idiot? While everyone else is scheduling emergency dentist appointments and eating soup for a week, you’re out here with a replacement ready to go. Sure, it’s the wrong size. Sure, it’s from a stranger. Sure, it might be from a dog (honestly, you never looked that close).

But you’re PREPARED.

Just jam it in there. Smile for photos. Dare someone to say something.

Real Talk Though

That tooth you’re holding? Someone out there is missing it. They’re tonguing a gap in their mouth right now, wondering where it went, and you’re over here planning to use it as a conversation starter at parties.

This is what separates you from normal people. They see biohazards. You see opportunities. They have boundaries. You have a pocket full of someone else’s skeleton.

There’s something genuinely wrong with your decision-making process, and that’s what makes you interesting. In a world full of people making sensible choices, staying in their lanes, using hand sanitizer appropriately, you picked up a tooth.

A tooth.

From the street.

And now you’re reading an article about what to do with it, which means you’re doubling down on this choice. You’re committed. You’re the kind of person who not only makes terrible decisions but then researches how to optimize them.

Never change. Society needs people like you. Not in any important positions or near children, but like, in general. For stories.

Mandatory killjoy disclaimer because lawyers exist: This article is satire. Don’t pick up teeth. Don’t pick up any body parts. If you’ve already picked up teeth, that’s on you and your immune system. Maybe see a doctor. Definitely see a therapist. Stop picking up teeth. Why does this even need to be said? What’s wrong with you people?