9 Signs Your Dentist Secretly Enjoys Causing Pain

That little light they shine in your mouth? Pretty sure it’s powered by human suffering.

1. Their Office Looks Like Stephen King’s Pinterest Board

You know those soothing waterfall sounds most medical offices play? Your dentist plays recordings of other patients. From last Tuesday. You can tell because someone keeps yelling “WHY DO YOU HAVE A COLLECTION OF BABY TEETH?” in the background.

The décor is… specific. There’s a painting of a smiling tooth, except the smile has too many teeth in it. Like, way too many. The plant in the corner is plastic, obviously, because nothing organic survives here. But—and this is the weird part—the plastic plant is dying. How does plastic die? Why does it look scared?

Oh, and the magazines. Jesus Christ, the magazines. “Better Homes & Extractions.” “Gum Disease Illustrated.” Something called “TEETH!” with no other context. Just… TEETH!

The receptionist’s desk has a bell. When you ring it, it doesn’t ding. It whimpers.

2. Their Scheduling System Was Designed by Satan’s Intern

Here’s a fun game: Try to book a normal appointment.

Go ahead. Ask for 2 PM on a Thursday. Watch what happens to their face. That twitch? That’s barely contained rage that you’d dare suggest a convenient time.

That hobby? Nobody knows. Nobody wants to know.

3. X-Rays Are Basically Their Pornography

The noises they make looking at your X-rays should be illegal in 37 states.

“Ohhhhhhh, would you look at that root decay!”

That’s not a medical observation. That’s arousal. They’re getting genuinely excited about your dental failures. They call other staff members over like they’re showing off vacation photos, except the photos are your sins against calcium and the vacation is your inevitable suffering.

Patricia from billing doesn’t need to see your impacted wisdom tooth. But here she comes, cooing over it like it’s a newborn. “Is that an abscess? How ADORABLE!”

Adorable. She said adorable. About your abscess.

4. They Save Their Best Stories for When Your Mouth is Cranked Open

Lying there like a deleted scene from A Clockwork Orange, and your dentist decides NOW is the perfect time to share:

• Their collection of “interesting” extracted teeth (they keep them in their office, labeled by year and “scream intensity”)
• How they almost became a mortician but wanted “more of a challenge”
• Their favorite episode of Dexter (the one with the dental tools)
• Why they think teeth are “just mouth bones that learned to betray us”

You: “AAARGHHHHHHH”

Them: “Exactly! That’s what Nietzsche said about suffering!”

No. No, he didn’t.

5. The Novocaine Experience™

Listen. There’s injections, and then there’s whatever your dentist does with that needle.

Stage 1: They tap your gum 47 times while whispering “numb, numb, numb” like they’re casting a spell on your face.

Stage 2: The needle goes in. But not like a normal needle. This needle has opinions. This needle is exploring. This needle is writing its dissertation on the inside of your face.

Stage 3: “Just a bit more!” More? MORE? You didn’t know needles could go deeper. You thought there were bones back there. Apparently not.

Stage 4: The wiggling. Sweet merciful god, the wiggling. Like they’re trying to find the USB port in your jaw and can’t figure out which way it goes in.

Stage 5: “All done!” Your face has left the chat. You can taste Thursday. Purple has a sound now.

6. Tool Selection is Performance Art for Psychopaths

They need one tool. ONE. Instead, here’s what happens:

Hovers hand over tray

Picks up medieval torture device

Makes eye contact with you

Puts it down slowly

Picks up worse medieval torture device

“Hmm, not quite right for this job…”

Picks up thing that shouldn’t exist in this dimension

“Perfect!”

That tool has a name. They’ve named it. It’s called “Becky” or “The Persuader” or “Mr. Tickles.” Tools shouldn’t have names. Especially not Mr. Tickles.

7. Your Pain is Their Scientific Study

Remember when they said to raise your hand if it hurts? Comedy gold. You raise your hand. You wave it like you’re trying to land planes. They see it, acknowledge it with their eyes, then ask, “On a scale of one to ten?”

THERE’S A DRILL IN YOUR TOOTH.

“Feels like a six? Let me adjust the angle.”

Now it’s a nine. They look pleased. They’ve made a note. Somewhere in their files is a document titled “Greatest Hits” and your Tuesday appointment is highlighted in yellow.

8. The Suction Thing is a Weapon of Mass Destruction

In the hands of a normal dentist, it removes excess water. In your dentist’s hands?

It’s personal.

They jam it places it was never meant to go. Your tongue becomes beef jerky. Your cheek makes noises that would concern a plumber. Sometimes they use it to play your mouth like the world’s worst kazoo. For fun. For their own amusement while you slowly desiccate into a human raisin.

The worst part? Sometimes they just… leave it. Abandon it there while they have a full conversation about their weekend plans. You’re achieving mummification in real-time and they’re debating whether to try that new Thai place.

9. Their Goodbye is a Threat Disguised as Healthcare

“See you in six months!”

The way they say it. The SMILE when they say it. Like a Bond villain who’s just explained their evil plan.

You’re handed a goodie bag. Oh good, prizes for surviving:

• A toothbrush suitable for an American Girl doll
• Floss (still in its packaging, where it will remain forever)
• Sugar-free candy that tastes like betrayal
• An appointment card that’s somehow already filled out for exactly six months from now at 6:45 AM

How? How is it already filled out? You didn’t agree to 6:45 AM. Nobody agrees to 6:45 AM.

But you’ll be there. Because the alternative is showing up on their “naughty list.” You don’t want to be on the naughty list. Those people get the trainee hygienist. The one who’s “still learning where the gums end and the soul begins.”

Here’s the Ugly Truth

Some people become dentists because they want to help people maintain oral health. Others become dentists because medieval torturer isn’t a career option anymore and somebody’s gotta scratch that itch.

You’ve got one of the bad ones if:

• They refer to your mouth as “the playground”
• Their drill has a pet name
• They’ve ever used the phrase “let’s make this interesting”
• The other dentists in town cross themselves when someone mentions their name
• Their YouTube history is just “Victorian dental procedures” and “screaming compilations”

The solution? Find a dentist who looks SAD when they find cavities. Who apologizes for existing. Who seems personally offended that teeth can decay.

But let’s be real. You’re not switching. They’ve got your dental records. They know your weak spots. They’ve already sent you a birthday card with a picture of a cavity on it.

You belong to them now.

(Currently reading this in their waiting room, aren’t you? That’s your name they just called. The fish in the tank just spelled out “RUN” in bubbles. But you won’t. Because your insurance only covers this psychopath.

Godspeed.)