9 Tips for Gamers to Play More and Go Outside Less

Last Updated on November 4, 2025 by Michael

Your mom just slid a pamphlet about vitamin D deficiency under your door. The pizza guy knows your credit card number by heart. Last week you answered “WASD” when someone asked for directions.

You’re exactly where you need to be.

1. Turn Your Room Into a Sensory Deprivation Chamber

The sun is basically just a giant space bully that shows up every morning without an invitation, demanding you “participate in society” and “maintain a normal sleep schedule.”

No thanks.

You know what’s better than natural light? No light. Zero light. The kind of darkness that makes your pupils dilate so much that optometrists write papers about you.

Start simple. Blackout curtains are for beginners – that’s like bringing a knife to a gunfight where the gun is the sun and you’re losing. You need aluminum foil. You need duct tape. You need the kind of commitment that makes your landlord nervous.

Your room should be so dark that when you open the door, light doesn’t come in – darkness pours out. Like opening a portal to the void, except the void has better Wi-Fi.

2. Nutrition Is a Social Construct

Every nutritionist in the world will tell you that you need “balanced meals” and “vegetables” and “actual food.”

These people have never tried to eat a salad during a 30-second respawn timer.

Here’s what nobody tells you: Your body is incredibly adaptable. It doesn’t actually care what you feed it as long as you feed it something. That gas station sushi from Tuesday? Your stomach will figure it out. Those Skittles you had for breakfast? That’s fruit, technically. Red Bull for dinner? That’s just spicy water with wings.

The mini-fridge next to your desk isn’t giving up – it’s giving in to efficiency. Every second you spend walking to the kitchen is a second you could be fragging noobs. Do the math. Actually don’t, math is for people who leave their rooms.

3. Master the Art of the Sick Day

You’ve had food poisoning 47 times this year. Your immune system is apparently held together with scotch tape and prayer. You’re either the unluckiest person alive or the greatest liar in corporate history.

(It’s the second one.)

“Food poisoning” is undefeated because nobody wants details. Nobody. Ever. You could use it every month and people will just assume you have terrible judgment about seafood. Which, to be fair, you might – when was the last time you ate actual food?

But here’s where rookies fail: They overcomplicate it. “My grandmother died”? She can only die so many times before HR gets suspicious. “Jury duty”? That’s checkable. “Explosive diarrhea”? Okay that works but Jesus Christ, have some dignity.

Keep it simple. Keep it gross. Keep it unverifiable.

4. Social Events Are Psychological Warfare

Someone just invited you to a “barbecue.”

What fresh hell is this?

You have to go outside, where the graphics are supposedly better but you can’t adjust any of the settings. You have to wear pants that aren’t pajamas. You have to pretend you care about Brad’s promotion or Jennifer’s baby or whatever flesh prison someone recently expelled from their body.

Meanwhile, your dailies are expiring. Your guild is questioning your commitment. The battle pass you paid actual money for is sitting there, incomplete, judging you.

The choice is obvious.

5. Embrace Temporal Chaos

Time isn’t real when you don’t go outside.

Is it Tuesday? Thursday? Who knows. Who cares. There’s only now and later and “oh shit the sun’s coming up again.”

You’ve reached a level of schedule chaos that would make physicists weep. Breakfast at midnight. Dinner never. That weird period between 3 AM and 5 AM where you’re not sure if you’re staying up late or waking up early but you’re definitely queuing for another match.

Your circadian rhythm didn’t just die – it filed a restraining order against you.

6. Become a “Content Creator”

Your Twitch channel has three viewers. You’re pretty sure two of them are bots and the third is your FBI agent checking if you’re okay.

Doesn’t matter. You’re an entrepreneur.

When people ask what you do, just say “digital content creation” and then stare at them until they get uncomfortable and change the subject. Drop terms like “algorithm optimization” and “engagement metrics.” Nobody knows what these mean. You don’t either. That’s the beauty of it.

You’re not unemployed. You’re pre-revenue.

7. Weather Is Fake News

“It’s such a nice day outside!”

According to who? The sun? That thing’s been running the same scam for 4.6 billion years.

You know what’s nice? Climate control. Consistent lighting. No bugs. No humans you didn’t specifically invite into your Discord. Your room has everything the outside has, except better and with RGB.

People act like fresh air is some kind of miracle cure. You know what else moves air? Your case fans. Seven of them, all synchronized, all unnecessary, all perfect.

8. Reject Traditional Exercise

Your doctor says you need “physical activity.”

Cool. Your APM is 400. Your fingers move faster than a pianist on cocaine. Your thumb has more stamina than a marathon runner. You’re basically an athlete, just horizontally optimized.

Every rage quit is a full-body workout. Every clutch moment is cardio. Every time you sprint to the door for food delivery, that’s interval training. You’re not out of shape – you’re in a different shape. A shape perfectly adapted to your environment, like evolution but faster and with more Doritos dust.

9. Build Your Digital Tribe

You need friends who understand that “touch grass” is a slur and “go outside” is hate speech.

These are people who’ve never seen your face but know exactly how you take your coffee (you don’t, it’s energy drinks or death). They know your gaming schedule better than your family knows your birthday. They’ve heard you cry over voice chat and never mentioned it again because that’s what real friends do.

You’ve been playing with XxDeathKiller420xX for eight years. Is he a 40-year-old accountant? A teenager from Sweden? Three raccoons in a trench coat? Doesn’t matter. He’s never missed a raid. That’s all you need to know.

Listen, here’s the thing society doesn’t want you to know:

Everyone pretending to enjoy the outside world is lying. They’re all jealous of your setup. While they’re stuck in traffic, pretending to care about their jobs, you’re living your truth. You’re fighting dragons, building empires, carrying teams of ungrateful strangers to victory.

They say you’re wasting your life, but you’re the only one actually enjoying yours.

The outside world is just a loading screen between gaming sessions. And nobody – nobody – enjoys loading screens.

Keep your blackout curtains closed. Keep your standards low. Keep your K/D high.

This is the way.

Disclaimer: This guide is not medical advice, though it’s probably more honest than whatever your doctor told you about “needing sunlight to live.” Side effects of following this guide include: becoming nocturnal, developing the ability to see in complete darkness, forgetting what grass feels like, and achieving a level of happiness that makes productive members of society deeply uncomfortable. Your results may vary, but they’ll definitely be inside.