Last Updated on September 18, 2025 by Michael
Your pancreas is racist and everyone knows it but you.
There. Someone had to say it. You’ve been making excuses for months now — “Oh, it’s just sensitive,” “Maybe it’s the stress,” “Organs can’t be bigoted, that’s ridiculous” — but deep down? You know something’s off. That weird cramping after eating Thai food isn’t about spice tolerance. It’s about your pancreas being a xenophobic little shit.
Look, nobody grows up thinking they’ll have to cancel their own organ. But here you are, googling “pancreas deprogramming” at 3 AM while your racist uncle of an organ plots its next microaggression against your small intestine.
1. The Great Sugar Segregation of Your Bloodstream
Plain white sugar? Your pancreas is ON IT. Insulin deployed immediately. Blood glucose stable. Beautiful.
Palm sugar from that Vietnamese coffee shop? Suddenly your pancreas needs to “verify its chemical structure” and “assess potential security threats.”
It’s literally the same sucrose, Bradley. (Yeah, your pancreas is named Bradley now. Bradley’s a dick.)
You know what the real kicker is? When you eat maple syrup, your pancreas has to check if it’s from Canada or Vermont. Canadian maple syrup gets processed 30% slower because Bradley thinks Canada is “suspiciously socialist.” Vermont syrup though? That’s the good stuff. That’s freedom syrup.
Your endocrinologist says this isn’t possible. Your blood work says otherwise. Those glucose spikes aren’t random — they’re following a pattern that looks suspiciously like a map of Bradley’s approved countries. Which is just the continental United States. And sometimes Italy, but only for dessert.
2. Enzyme Apartheid
| What’s Happening | The Medical Term | What It Actually Means |
|---|---|---|
| Selective amylase release | “Idiopathic enzyme dysfunction” | Your enzymes are racist |
| Delayed lipase for certain fats | “Cultural digestive resistance” | Won’t process olive oil because it’s “too Mediterranean” |
| Protease strikes | “Protein processing anomaly” | Tofu makes your pancreas angry |
Your doctor keeps using fancy terms. You know the truth.
3. Your Medical Chart Says “Difficult Patient (Organ-wise)”
You’re not the difficult one. Bradley is.
Every ultrasound tech in a 50-mile radius has a story about your pancreas. The one who quit mid-exam. The one who started crying. The new guy who said “Is it… is it trying to communicate?” before immediately transferring to pediatrics where organs supposedly behave better.
4. Bile Discrimination Lawsuit Pending
Your gallbladder — sweet, hardworking, never-complains-about-anything gallbladder — is documenting everything for the inevitable lawsuit.
Tuesday: Pancreatic enzymes showed up 45 minutes late to digest lunch (was falafel). Wednesday: Full enzyme strike during dinner (was dim sum). Thursday: Bradley released exactly one (1) drop of lipase for an entire Indian buffet. Friday: Pretended to be asleep during Mexican food.
The liver’s agreed to be a character witness. The stomach’s staying neutral but you can tell it’s uncomfortable with the whole situation. The spleen’s pretending it doesn’t know any of you.
5. WebMD Thinks Your Pancreas Has Been Radicalized
You didn’t even know that was a diagnostic option but apparently your search history triggered some kind of algorithm.
“Pancreas only works for American food” “Organ racism real?”
“Can enzymes be nationalist?” “Pancreas hurts when eat sushi why” “Is my pancreas MAGA” “How to liberalize digestive system”
Targeted ads are now showing you both insulin supplements AND diversity training courses. Amazon’s confused. You’re confused. Bradley’s not confused — Bradley knows exactly what he’s doing.
6. The Islets of Langerhans Have Established Border Control
Remember when your islets just made insulin like normal cellular neighborhoods?
Now they’ve got checkpoints. Glucose needs two forms of ID. Foreign amino acids get detained for additional screening. There’s a waitlist for non-traditional nutrients. YOUR CELLS HAVE IMPLEMENTED EXTREME VETTING.
Beta cells holding “community meetings” about preserving islet culture. Alpha cells complaining about all the “new hormones” moving in. Delta cells just trying to live their lives but getting pulled into every drama because they’re technically part of the homeowner’s association that nobody asked for but somehow exists at a cellular level.
You ate hummus last week and could literally feel your islets having an emergency session about “Middle Eastern infiltration of our digestive homeland.”
Hummus.
Chickpeas and tahini.
That’s what caused a cellular border crisis in your abdomen.
7. Insulin Resistance, But With Prejudice
Normal insulin resistance: Your cells don’t respond well to insulin.
Bradley’s insulin resistance: Your cells receive insulin with a little note attached that says “effectiveness not guaranteed for ethnic foods.”
Your muscles are confused. Your fat cells are having an identity crisis. Your liver’s just metabolizing alcohol to cope with the situation, which honestly? Fair.
8. Tuesday at 3 PM: “The Bradley Hour”
Nobody subscribed to this podcast. Nobody wants this podcast. The podcast exists anyway.
This week on “Digestive Destiny”: Bradley interviews your appendix about “the good old days when organs knew their place.” Your appendix hasn’t done anything useful since the Paleolithic era but suddenly it’s got hot takes about modern digestion?
Episode titles getting progressively worse:
- “Gluten: The Real Enemy Within”
- “How Soy Destroyed American Digestion”
- “Kimchi: Biological Warfare?”
- “They’re Putting Chemicals in the Food That Turn The Organs Gay”
That last one got Bradley’s podcast banned from Organ Spotify (which isn’t real but Bradley doesn’t know that).
Your kidneys started their own competing podcast just to fact-check Bradley. It’s called “Actually, Though” and every episode is just your kidneys explaining why Bradley’s wrong about everything. Your kidneys don’t even have time for this — they’re filtering literally all your blood — but they’re so annoyed they’re doing it anyway.
9. The Appendix Coalition Nobody Asked For
Your appendix is like that friend who never has opinions about restaurants but suddenly becomes Gordon Ramsay when someone suggests Ethiopian food.
Now it and Bradley text each other.
ORGANS. TEXTING. EACH OTHER.
How? Don’t think about it too hard. Just know that your pancreas and appendix have a group chat called “Patriots of the Peritoneum” and your entire digestive system has screenshots.
They tried to recruit your spleen last week. Your spleen leaked the screenshots to your liver. Your liver posted them in the “All Organs Except Bradley” group chat. It’s a whole thing.
What Now, Genius?
You can’t return a racist pancreas. There’s no exchange policy. The warranty doesn’t cover ideological extremism.
Shit that won’t work:
- Reasoning with Bradley (he’s made of cells, not logic)
- Therapy (no therapist is prepared for “my pancreas is alt-right”)
- Essential oils (Bradley thinks those are “hippie propaganda”)
Shit that might work:
- Exposure therapy through aggressive international eating
- Threatening to go keto (Bradley’s worst nightmare is unemployment)
- Getting your other organs to peer pressure him
The nuclear option: Tell Bradley you’re moving to Canada. Watch how fast he starts processing maple syrup properly when he thinks it’s about to be his only job.
Here’s the thing nobody tells you about having a racist pancreas: You still need it. You can’t just cancel Bradley and move on. He’s in there, making insulin (selectively), producing enzymes (discriminatorily), being essential to your survival (problematically).
So you do what everyone with problematic relatives does. You cope. You eat your international food and let Bradley throw his little tantrums. You apologize to ultrasound techs. You explain to dates that the weird gurgling after ethnic restaurants isn’t the food, it’s your “ideologically challenged” organ.
And late at night, when Bradley’s quiet and you’re digesting a completely acceptable American cheese sandwich without incident, you wonder: Is this fixable? Can a pancreas grow? Can Bradley learn?
Probably not.
But tomorrow you’re eating Korean BBQ anyway. Because fuck Bradley.
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