There is a special circle of hell reserved for people who balance their glasses on top of their skull like a tiny smug throne, and the line to get in is out the door. Why people who wear glasses on their head are jerks is not a question. It is a diagnosis. It is the…
Faking a slip-and-fall at the grocery store will not make you rich. It will make you a felon with a bruised ass and a leading role in a film nobody wants to watch. The get-rich-quick fantasy floating around online is closer to a slow-motion financial castration. The numbers are humiliating and the cameras never blink….
Aunt Carol is sixty-three, walks with a cane she nicknamed “Sheila,” and has been blissfully single since the second Bush administration. Then last Tuesday she rolled up to Sunday dinner with a man named Dakota who introduced himself, to the entire family, as “a vibe.” The signs your aunt’s new fiance is only after her…
Good news: the single most achievable goal on your calendar this weekend is not contracting syphilis. It is free. No gym membership, no meal prep, no podcast. And unlike every goal you have ever set, the bar is ankle height. Your body has one job between Friday and Sunday. Remain a corkscrew-bacterium-free zone. And yet,…
The best jobs for people who fear salad dressing all share one feature. None of them involve a man named Greg ambushing your romaine with something he describes as “creamy.” A genuine fear of salad dressing has a name, and that name is “completely valid, leave me alone.” You shouldn’t have to flinch every time…
Why smoking menthol cigarettes makes you a better parent is the one parenting question no pediatrician will answer with a straight face. So someone sober-ish had to. The short version: a menthol cigarette is the only seven minutes a day your children are legally and physically unable to follow you. That’s not coping. That’s leadership….