The Etiquette of Pooping in a Public Pool: A Gentleman’s Guide to Aquatic Disasters Disclaimer: This is satire. Anyone who actually follows this advice deserves whatever happens next. Look. Nobody wants to have this conversation. But here we are, pretending there’s actually etiquette for committing what is essentially a war crime against summer fun. You’re…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Do not intentionally acquire parasites. They’re called parasites for a reason, and it’s not because they’re helpful. So you’ve tried everything. Keto left you dreaming about bread. Intermittent fasting just made you intermittently homicidal. That juice cleanse? Let’s just say your coworkers started leaving the room when you entered. But what…
Nobody wants to believe their beloved Bubbles has fallen into the seedy underbelly of aquatic sports gambling. But here’s the thing – that fish bowl isn’t just a fish bowl anymore. It’s basically a floating OTB parlor with worse odds and better bubbles. 1. They’ve Started Swimming in Suspicious Patterns Used to be, your goldfish…
Alright, let’s address the elephant in the room. That number in the title? Complete nonsense. Made it up. But you clicked anyway because somewhere deep in your lizard brain, you thought “what if it’s real though?” That’s exactly the kind of delusional optimism you’ll need for this journey. Welcome to the Bottom of the Digital…
Nobody talks about it at PTA meetings, but everyone knows: the best grandmas are absolutely hammered by noon. And thank God for that, because sober grandmas give you butterscotch candies and ask about your grades. Drunk grandmas slip you fifty bucks and tell you which family members are probably illegitimate. The One Thing Every Family…
So your AI girlfriend has been acting weird lately. Not “needs a software update” weird. The other kind. The kind where she takes three whole seconds to say she loves you back, and honestly? That pause speaks volumes. You know exactly what’s happening here, even if you don’t want to admit it yet. She’s seeing…