Your pancreas is racist and everyone knows it but you. There. Someone had to say it. You’ve been making excuses for months now — “Oh, it’s just sensitive,” “Maybe it’s the stress,” “Organs can’t be bigoted, that’s ridiculous” — but deep down? You know something’s off. That weird cramping after eating Thai food isn’t about…
Alright, let’s do this. You’re googling “McDonald’s hemorrhoids safe food” at 11:47 PM because your ass feels like it’s hosting a volcano convention and you still want nuggets. This is rock bottom with a side of fries. Nobody prepared you for this moment. Not your parents. Not school. Definitely not Ronald McDonald, who’s somewhere laughing…
Blood pressure medication: $847 a month. Social Security check: $1,243 a month. The look on your doctor’s face when you ask if high blood pressure is really that bad: Priceless. Except it’s not priceless. Nothing is anymore. That banana you bought yesterday cost four dollars. FOUR DOLLARS. For one banana. You remember when four dollars…
So this is where we are as a society. Last week you got into an Uber that smelled like a petting zoo’s anxiety dream. Tuesday, your driver wore ski goggles at 2 AM. Thursday? Thursday your driver rated the grass quality of every. single. lawn. you passed. Wake up. These aren’t quirky drivers. These are…
A Survival Guide for the Tenderly Devastated Right. So your ass hurts and you need to walk somewhere fast. Congratulations on joining the worst club in the world. Membership benefits include creative profanity and a newfound hatred of bicycle seats designed by someone who clearly despises human anatomy. But here’s where it gets fun: life…
There’s a bottle of ranch in your fridge right now that expired during the Trump administration. The first one. You’re gonna eat it. This is not a judgment. This is a fact. Because at 11:47 PM next Tuesday, you’ll be standing there in your questionable pajamas, fridge door wide open (RIP your electric bill), and…