Disclaimer: This is satire. If you actually do this, you deserve whatever kitchen appliance gets embedded in your skull. You googled this. You sat down at your computer, presumably sober, and typed these words in this order. Somewhere, a marriage counselor just felt a chill run down their spine and doesn’t know why. No. Just……
Walking to get food? What is this, the Renaissance? Humanity spent millions of years evolving opposable thumbs just so we could perfect their ultimate purpose: frantically tapping “order again” at 2 AM while wrapped in a blanket burrito of our own making. We’re not using delivery apps. They’re using us. And we’re into it. The…
That piece of paper taped to your door? The one written in legal gibberish that basically translates to “pack your crap, you’re done here”? Yeah, that’s not exactly a hallmark moment. Look, nobody dreams of getting an eviction notice. It’s not on anyone’s vision board next to “travel more” and “learn pottery.” But here’s the…
Alright, you magnificent lunatic. So you woke up one day and decided that limbs are for quitters? That the entire Department of Motor Vehicles can go pound sand with their “requirements”? That you’re gonna operate a motor vehicle using nothing but determination and whatever body parts still report for duty? Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Cars Were…
Your grandma’s house looks like a museum and a junkyard had a baby, and that baby was raised by QVC. Every drawer contains at least seventeen rubber bands, three broken pens, and coupons that expired during the Clinton administration. The spare bedroom? You can’t even open the door anymore. Something’s blocking it. Might be exercise…
Debt collectors found you again? Of course they did. These people could find Waldo in witness protection. Here’s the thing about owing money: everyone acts like it’s some massive moral failing. Like you woke up one day and thought “You know what sounds fun? Financial ruin!” Nobody mentions how that Best Buy credit card started…