That salmon mousse from cocktail hour just filed a restraining order against your stomach. The room’s doing the Macarena. Without music. And Cousin Beth wants to tell you about her essential oils business for the forty-seventh time tonight. You’ve got maybe 30 seconds before you ruin someone’s $50,000 party. Maybe less. Let’s Talk About Timing…
Alright, apparently this needs to be said out loud: Getting scurvy on purpose is not a diet plan. It’s barely even a cry for help. It’s more like a cry for someone to revoke your decision-making privileges and maybe check your browser history. But here we are. Quick Refresher for Anyone Who Slept Through History…
Look, we need to address the elephant in the room. Not the overdraft fees or the fact that your savings account earns less interest than finding quarters in your couch cushions. The pens. Those beautiful, perfectly innocent writing instruments just sitting there like tiny plastic sirens calling to your soul. And honestly? Your soul is…
What the Actual Fuck Is Wrong With People We Need to Talk Alright so humanity peaked with the moon landing and it’s been downhill ever since. Case in point: microdosing laxatives is a thing now. Not a joke. Not satire. An actual thing that actual humans are doing with their actual bodies. On purpose. Someone…
Because Dying Slowly Wasn’t Quite Slow Enough Okay. So you’re old. Not “senior discount at Denny’s” old. We’re talking “remembers when doctors recommended cigarettes for stress” old. “Your first car had an ashtray as standard equipment” old. “You’ve outlived three different food pyramids” old. And you’re bored. Jesus Christ, are you bored. You’ve organized your…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Don’t actually do this. Prison jumpsuits make everyone look like rejected Cheetos. So. You’ve decided to monetize human empathy. Everyone knows that one person whose “rare neurological condition” mysteriously flares up right before rent’s due. Their symptoms read like someone threw darts at a medical dictionary while blindfolded. Their doctor is…