So your snake is having a midlife crisis. You get it. Maybe Mr. Slithers caught his reflection in the terrarium glass and realized he’s been bald his entire life. Maybe Princess Noodle saw that influencer cobra on TikTok rocking bangs and now she won’t eat her frozen mice until she gets a makeover. Whatever brought…
Buckle up, buttercup. Time for some truth. The Economics of Getting Lit on a Budget You know what’s wild? Watching someone drop $18 on a six-pack of beer that tastes like a pine tree had sex with a grapefruit. Meanwhile, Daryl just walked out of the same store with enough beer to kill a horse…
Your mother-in-law just told you—for the 47th time this year—that her potato salad could “really save your marriage.” Like your relationship is hanging by a thread made of mayonnaise and celery. Your father-in-law? He’s busy explaining why your job isn’t real work because it doesn’t involve a hard hat. This from a man whose toupee…
That little light they shine in your mouth? Pretty sure it’s powered by human suffering. 1. Their Office Looks Like Stephen King’s Pinterest Board You know those soothing waterfall sounds most medical offices play? Your dentist plays recordings of other patients. From last Tuesday. You can tell because someone keeps yelling “WHY DO YOU HAVE…
So you want to destroy Thanksgiving. Not metaphorically. Not with politics. You want flames. Tears. The kind of catastrophe that spawns origin stories for future therapists. And grandma’s taking the fall. Look, nobody’s judging. Well, everyone’s judging. But they’ll be judging grandma, not you, which is the entire point of this morally bankrupt masterclass. Why…
Somebody paid $69 million for a JPEG of a monkey. Let that sink in. Sixty. Nine. Million. Dollars. For a picture. Of a monkey. That looks like it failed art school. Meanwhile, you’re over here with a “real” job and “ethics.” Pathetic. Here’s the thing about human beings: they’ll buy anything if you make them…