Alright, so you’ve exhausted Tinder, Bumble made you cry, and your mom’s friend’s daughter turned out to be your therapist. Time to think outside the box. Or in this case, outside the industrial-sized vat of Thursday’s mystery stew. Welcome to the wildest dating strategy nobody asked for. Why Soup Kitchens Are Secretly Dating Gold Mines…
So you’ve decided to major in Applied Gold Digging with a minor in Strategic Emotional Manipulation? Congratulations. You’ve chosen the only career path where your performance review includes “ability to laugh at jokes about the Reagan administration” and “tolerance for erectile dysfunction medication side effects.” Look, somebody needs to tell you the truth about this…
Blue lights. That specific shade of oh-shit-blue that makes your sphincter achieve dimensions previously only theorized by quantum physicists. And there you are, sitting in your Honda Civic that still has the “Baby on Board” sticker from the previous owner (there’s no baby, you just thought it might make cops go easier on you), trying…
Alright, let’s address the worm in the room. You’ve got a tapeworm. Maybe you got it from that sketchy sushi place where the health grade was somehow a “C-“. Maybe it was that backpacking trip through Southeast Asia where you thought you were being “adventurous” with street food. Maybe—and this is the worst possibility—it was…
Right, so everyone’s walking around acting like their Myers-Briggs type is a medical diagnosis. “Sorry, can’t come to your party, it would drain my INTJ energy.” Meanwhile, you’re over here with an ACTUAL medical diagnosis and suddenly you’re the weird one? Make it make sense. Look, Jessica’s been telling everyone she’s an empath for three…
Therapy costs $200 an hour and they make you talk about your mother. Know what’s free? Absolutely destroying Gerald’s will to live while he checks receipts at the door. The Beautiful Truth About Walmart Greeters These people have ascended. They’ve witnessed the collapse of human civilization one returned birthday cake at a time. You think…