Building Custom Shelves to Hide Your Collection of Questionable DVDs

Last Updated on July 6, 2024 by Michael

So, you’ve got a stash of DVDs that would make your grandma faint and your mom shake her head in disapproval. We’re talking about those titles that you don’t exactly bring up during Sunday brunch. Whether it’s the campy horror flicks, the soft-core fantasies, or the “documentaries” that are anything but educational, you need a place to keep them away from prying eyes. Here’s how to build some custom shelves to keep your guilty pleasures out of sight and out of mind.

The Strategic Placement of Shame

First things first, where the hell are you going to put these shelves? The best hiding spots are places no one ever thinks to look. Like behind that ancient, dust-covered encyclopedia set you inherited from an old relative or underneath your collection of expired canned goods.

You could go for the classic behind-the-books trick. Create a false back in your bookshelf, hiding your DVDs behind a row of more “acceptable” titles. Bonus points if the visible books are about something as dull as taxes or algebra. No one in their right mind will bother looking there.

If you’re feeling a bit more adventurous, consider the bathroom. No one snoops through bathroom cabinets (at least, no one you should be friends with). Install a small shelf behind the toilet paper stockpile or inside a fake plumbing access panel. Your porcelain throne will now guard your secret stash.

Building Shelves Like a Mad Scientist

Alright, now that we’ve found the perfect spot, let’s talk about constructing these secret shelves. You don’t need to be Bob Vila, but a basic understanding of tools would help. If you can’t tell a hammer from a screwdriver, you might want to reconsider this whole DIY thing.

First, gather your supplies: wood, nails, a saw, and maybe some industrial-strength Velcro if you’re feeling lazy. Measure twice, cut once. Or, if you’re like me, measure once, cut haphazardly, and pray it fits. Assemble the frame of your shelf using nails or screws. If you’re going for the ultra-secret look, attach hinges to create a swinging shelf that opens to reveal your stash. It’s like something out of a bad spy movie.

Pro tip: If you suck at carpentry, bribe a friend with skills (and a few beers) to do it for you. Just make sure they don’t snitch about what’s really going on behind those shelves.

Decorate Like You’re Hiding Bodies

Once your shelves are up, it’s time to make them blend in. This is where your creativity (or paranoia) comes into play. Paint the shelves to match the surrounding walls or furniture. Camouflage is key here. If your secret stash is in a closet, make it look like just another stack of boring old towels or linens. No one’s going to dig through a pile of 90s floral-patterned bedsheets, I promise you.

Another good idea is to use decoys. Place some mundane items in front of your shelves—think board games, photo albums, or a box labeled “Tax Receipts 1998-2002.” You could even throw in a few old issues of Reader’s Digest for good measure. Anything that screams “Nothing interesting here!” will do the trick.

Guarding Your Secret Like a Psychotic Squirrel

Your custom shelves are built, camouflaged, and ready for action. But don’t get too comfortable just yet. You need a strategy to ensure your stash remains undiscovered. Ever heard the phrase “Loose lips sink ships”? Yeah, that applies here. Tell no one. Not your best friend, not your significant other, not even your dog. Trust no one.

In the event someone does discover your secret, have a diversion ready. Maybe a decoy stash of mildly embarrassing DVDs—think “Twilight” or “50 Shades of Grey.” Something that’ll make them laugh and forget why they were snooping in the first place.

When Things Go Sideways

Despite your best efforts, there might come a time when your secret DVD collection is discovered. Maybe a nosy visitor stumbled upon it, or perhaps you got a little too drunk and decided it was a good idea to show off your hiding spot. Whatever the case, you need an emergency plan.

Deny everything. Claim it’s a friend’s collection, or you’re holding it for someone else. If that doesn’t work, go on the offensive. Accuse them of invading your privacy, and make them feel guilty for snooping around. If all else fails, embrace the embarrassment. Laugh it off and make up ridiculous stories about why you have a complete collection of “Movies So Bad They’re Good.”

Conclusion: Embrace Your Inner Weirdo

Life’s too short to worry about what other people think of your taste in movies. Building custom shelves to hide your questionable DVD collection is more about the thrill of secrecy and the fun of DIY projects than anything else. So go ahead, indulge your weirdness, and build those hidden shelves with pride. And if anyone finds them, just remember: they’re the weird ones for snooping in the first place.