Because Your Therapist Is Already Booked Solid Genital warts. Two words nobody wants in their search history. Yet here you are, probably on incognito mode, looking for literally any way to make this situation less soul-crushing. Good news: You’re not dying. Bad news: You’re about to develop an uncomfortably intimate relationship with your pharmacist Brad,…
A Totally Scientific and Not At All Satirical Investigation Look. That sad little container of floss your dentist passive-aggressively handed you six months ago? Still in the plastic bag with the free toothbrush nobody asked for? Yeah. That one. Time to stop feeling guilty about it. Your Wallet Will Thank You (And So Will Your…
What the Actual Fuck Is Wrong With People We Need to Talk Alright so humanity peaked with the moon landing and it’s been downhill ever since. Case in point: microdosing laxatives is a thing now. Not a joke. Not satire. An actual thing that actual humans are doing with their actual bodies. On purpose. Someone…
Because Dying Slowly Wasn’t Quite Slow Enough Okay. So you’re old. Not “senior discount at Denny’s” old. We’re talking “remembers when doctors recommended cigarettes for stress” old. “Your first car had an ashtray as standard equipment” old. “You’ve outlived three different food pyramids” old. And you’re bored. Jesus Christ, are you bored. You’ve organized your…
Look, you’re about to spend 45 minutes in a tube that sounds like a broken dishwasher having an argument with a jackhammer. Why not make it memorable? 1. “THE MAGNETS ARE SPEAKING TO ME IN MORSE CODE!” You know what’s worse than the endless banging? The silence when the tech asks if you’re okay through…
Your prostate has been colonized by Belgian communists and buddy, that’s just Tuesday now. The Beginning of Your Extremely Specific Nightmare Starts with the pee, obviously. One morning you’re standing there, half-asleep, and your stream looks like someone dissolved a Smurf in Mountain Dew. First thought? Those gas station vitamins finally catching up. Second thought?…