Alright, let’s address the worm in the room. You’ve got a tapeworm. Maybe you got it from that sketchy sushi place where the health grade was somehow a “C-“. Maybe it was that backpacking trip through Southeast Asia where you thought you were being “adventurous” with street food. Maybe—and this is the worst possibility—it was…
Right, so everyone’s walking around acting like their Myers-Briggs type is a medical diagnosis. “Sorry, can’t come to your party, it would drain my INTJ energy.” Meanwhile, you’re over here with an ACTUAL medical diagnosis and suddenly you’re the weird one? Make it make sense. Look, Jessica’s been telling everyone she’s an empath for three…
The Fastest Ways to Gain Weight to Get Type 2 Diabetes: A Guide for Overachievers Disclaimer: This is satire. Obviously. If you actually do this stuff, that’s on you. Ever look at your functioning pancreas and think, “This is too easy”? Yeah, you’re not alone. While everyone else is spiralizing zucchini and pretending it’s pasta…
Alright. So you got neutered. Voluntarily paid someone to take a scalpel to your balls while your ex has the kids every other weekend and this happened to be your weekend. Now you’re sitting there with a bag of Bird’s Eye on your crotch wondering how the hell you’re gonna keep three sugar-fueled demons alive…
A Totally Scientific and Not At All Satirical Guide So your liver’s toast. Absolutely done. It’s transformed itself into what medical professionals call “cirrhotic tissue” but what’s basically just angry meat jerky that hates you personally. Your doctor’s being all theatrical about it too, throwing around words like “end-stage” and “transplant list” like they’re getting…
So you’ve chosen violence. That’s what it is, really. Every morning when you crack open that can of weaponized caffeine before your brain even registers consciousness. Your teeth have started flinching when they hear aluminum tabs. Your dentist just put a down payment on a yacht. Let’s Get Uncomfortably Honest About Your Mouth Situation That…