How to Figure Out Who Gave You Chlamydia: A Detective’s Guide to Sexual Sleuthing Well, shit. The clinic just called with that special tone they reserve for “we need to discuss your results.” You know the one. The voice that makes your soul leave your body before they even finish the sentence. Congratulations, you’ve got…
Disclaimer: This is satire. For the love of all that’s holy, see a real dentist. That tooth hurting? The one that feels like a tiny construction crew decided to jackhammer directly into your soul at 3 AM? Yeah. That one. Listen, you could go to a dentist. Someone who spent eight years learning which hole…
Because Your Therapist Is Already Booked Solid Genital warts. Two words nobody wants in their search history. Yet here you are, probably on incognito mode, looking for literally any way to make this situation less soul-crushing. Good news: You’re not dying. Bad news: You’re about to develop an uncomfortably intimate relationship with your pharmacist Brad,…
A Totally Scientific and Not At All Satirical Investigation Look. That sad little container of floss your dentist passive-aggressively handed you six months ago? Still in the plastic bag with the free toothbrush nobody asked for? Yeah. That one. Time to stop feeling guilty about it. Your Wallet Will Thank You (And So Will Your…
What the Actual Fuck Is Wrong With People We Need to Talk Alright so humanity peaked with the moon landing and it’s been downhill ever since. Case in point: microdosing laxatives is a thing now. Not a joke. Not satire. An actual thing that actual humans are doing with their actual bodies. On purpose. Someone…
Because Dying Slowly Wasn’t Quite Slow Enough Okay. So you’re old. Not “senior discount at Denny’s” old. We’re talking “remembers when doctors recommended cigarettes for stress” old. “Your first car had an ashtray as standard equipment” old. “You’ve outlived three different food pyramids” old. And you’re bored. Jesus Christ, are you bored. You’ve organized your…