Last Updated on June 27, 2024 by Michael
Welcome to the weird and wild world of chewing tobacco, where spitting is a talent, and nicotine is a god. If you’ve just entered this realm of oral fixation, buckle up and prepare for a ride as bumpy as the teeth of a lifelong chewer. We’re diving into the nitty-gritty of chaw, and trust me, it’s going to get messier than your cousin’s mullet.
Lube Up Your Lips, Cowboy
First things first, you’ve got to treat your lips like a NASCAR pit crew treats a race car. Chewing tobacco will tear up your mouth faster than a woodchipper on overdrive. Chapstick is your new best friend; slather that stuff on like you’re preparing for an Antarctic expedition. You don’t want your lips to look like they’ve been dry-humping sandpaper.
And don’t forget about hydration. Guzzle water like you’re trying to drown a small forest fire. This isn’t just for your health; it’ll keep your spit nice and juicy. No one likes a parched chewer—it’s like watching a cactus trying to cry.
Now, if you’re thinking of using Vaseline, let me stop you right there. That’s a slippery slope, and next thing you know, you’re turning up to work looking like you just ate fried chicken with your face.
Choose Your Poison Wisely
There’s a whole buffet of chew out there, from the mild to the “oh my god, my mouth is on fire” varieties. Beginners should start with something mellow. Think of it as dipping your toe in the water before diving into a shark tank.
Grizzly and Skoal are good starting points, but stay away from the hardcore stuff like Copenhagen unless you want to feel like you’ve been making out with a blowtorch. Choose a flavor that won’t make you gag like a cat on a furball. Wintergreen is popular, but if you fancy yourself a bit of a rebel, give peach or apple a whirl. Just don’t go crazy and mix flavors unless you want your taste buds to stage a revolt.
And here’s a pro-tip: avoid the cheap stuff. Your mouth is not a landfill for bargain-bin chew. You wouldn’t wipe your ass with sandpaper, so don’t stuff your face with garbage either.
The Perfect Pack and Stuff
Alright, you’ve got your chew, now it’s time to pack it. Packing your can is an art form, like spray-painting a dumpster or shaving a greased pig. Hold the can in one hand and tap the lid with your other hand’s knuckles like you’re trying to wake it up from a deep sleep.
When you get that nice, compact wad, it’s time to stuff it in your face. Pinch a good chunk and stuff it between your lip and gum like you’re smuggling a small rodent. Be careful not to overdo it; you’re not trying to set a record for the most tobacco in a single mouth.
If you look like a squirrel storing nuts for winter, you’ve gone too far. And don’t forget to balance it out. Nobody wants to look at a lopsided face; it’s unsettling.
Spit Like a Champ
Spitting is not just a necessity; it’s a goddamn performance. You’re not just expelling juice; you’re telling the world, “I am a master of my own bodily fluids.” Get yourself a good spittoon. If you’re fancy, go for one of those brass ones that make you feel like a cowboy. If not, an old soda bottle will do.
Practice your aim. Nobody wants to see you dribble tobacco juice down your chin like a toddler with a juice box. Perfect your technique until you can hit a target from ten paces. And for the love of all that is holy, do not, I repeat, do not swallow that stuff. Your stomach will stage a rebellion that makes the French Revolution look like a picnic.
Stealth Chewing Like a Ninja
You’ve got to be sneaky if you don’t want to get caught. Nobody likes the guy who’s always spitting in public places. Master the art of subtlety. Keep your lips tight and your movements minimal. You’re not chewing cud; you’re enjoying a secret pleasure.
If you’re in a place where you can’t spit, like church or a court hearing, learn to “tuck and hold.” This means keeping the juice in your mouth until you can find an appropriate place to dispose of it. Don’t be that guy who leaves a trail of brown spit everywhere.
Keep mints or gum handy to mask the smell. And for God’s sake, wash your hands. Tobacco-stained fingers are a dead giveaway and look like you’ve been fingering an exhaust pipe.
Dealing with the Side Effects
You’re going to feel a buzz. It’s inevitable. This isn’t your grandma’s peppermint candy. Nicotine will hit you like a freight train, and if you’re not ready, it’ll knock you on your ass.
Sit down if you feel lightheaded. Nobody wants to explain why they fainted from chewing tobacco. It’s embarrassing and you’ll never live it down. Drink water to stay hydrated and keep some snacks nearby to balance out the buzz. Jerky is a good choice. It’s manly and it’ll soak up the excess saliva.
Your gums are going to hate you. They’ll get sore, they’ll bleed, and they might even start receding. This is your mouth’s way of saying, “Hey, asshole, what the hell are you doing to me?” Take care of your oral hygiene. Brush your teeth, floss, and use mouthwash. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a smile that looks like a haunted graveyard.
How to Quit When You Inevitably Realize This Is Stupid
You’re going to want to quit. Trust me. After the novelty wears off and you realize your breath smells like a cat’s ass and your teeth are turning brown, you’ll want out. But quitting isn’t easy. Nicotine is a clingy mistress, and she doesn’t let go without a fight.
Start by cutting back. Reduce the amount you chew each day until you’re down to nothing. Use nicotine patches or gum to wean yourself off. And if you need to, see a doctor. They can give you something to help with the cravings.
Stay busy. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, and the devil loves chewing tobacco. Find a hobby, take up knitting, or start a fight club. Anything to keep your mind off the chew.
Conclusion That Doesn’t Sound Like a Conclusion
There you have it, the down and dirty of chewing tobacco. It’s a wild ride, full of ups, downs, and a whole lot of spit. Whether you stick with it or decide to quit, at least you’ve got the knowledge to do it right. So go out there, pack a lip, and remember to spit with pride.
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