How Not to Fall in Love During a Prostate Exam

Last Updated on June 20, 2024 by Michael

Experiencing a prostate exam can feel like the ultimate test of self-restraint, not to mention an exercise in awkwardness. Yet, amid the cold hands, clinical small talk, and intimate poking and prodding, there lies a real danger – the terrifying prospect of falling in love. Follow these indispensable, utterly absurd tips to ensure your heart remains untouched during this peculiar medical encounter.

Avoid Eye Contact Like It’s Your Ex at a Wedding

When you walk into that sterile room, eye contact is your enemy. The doctor is just a professional doing their job, not a candidate for your heart’s deepest desires. You must steel yourself against their calm, competent demeanor and laser-focused gaze. It’s essential to remember that the spark you feel might just be the lubricant.

Talk about the weather, your favorite sports team, or the latest episode of a reality TV show. Anything to avoid those deep, penetrating stares that could lead you down the path of a rom-com storyline. It’s just a prostate exam, not the start of an unexpected love story.

If you catch yourself feeling too comfortable, break the ice with something totally out of place. “Have you ever wondered if Bigfoot enjoys romantic comedies?” works wonders to shatter any potential romantic tension. Confuse them; confuse yourself – anything to keep the mood strictly clinical.

Think of Your Grandmother’s Toenails

Distraction is key. Picture the least sexy thing imaginable: your grandmother’s crusty toenails after she’s been wearing the same socks for a week. Visualize those gnarly, thick, yellowed claws scratching against the linoleum floor.

Once you’ve mentally gagged, there’s no room for butterflies in your stomach. If that doesn’t work, think of the time your uncle Dave farted loudly at Thanksgiving dinner right when everyone went silent for grace.

Focusing on such delightfully repulsive images will help keep your brain firmly out of the love zone. Remember, this is a clinical procedure, not a candlelit dinner for two.

Request a Playlist of Nursery Rhymes

The environment is crucial. Silence can be intimate, so fill the room with something that’s impossible to associate with romance. Ask the doctor to play nursery rhymes or children’s songs. Imagine the Little Engine That Could narrating your prostate exam. It’s hard to fall in love when “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” is playing in the background.

If they refuse, start humming loudly yourself. “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” in a loop is guaranteed to kill any romantic vibe. You’ll be too busy trying to remember the lyrics to fall into the trap of misplaced affection.

Pretend You’re a Stand-Up Comedian Preparing for a Set

Humor can defuse tension. Imagine you’re a stand-up comedian gathering material for a new routine. This exam is your stage, and the doctor is your unknowing audience. Try to mentally draft jokes about the situation: “So, there I was, pants around my ankles, thinking, ‘Is this how I finally find love?’”

Focus on crafting the perfect punchline rather than the doctor’s soft, reassuring touch. Remember, no matter how gently they handle your prostate, they’re not your soulmate – they’re just giving you fodder for your next comedy special.

Ask Inappropriate Questions About Alien Abductions

Nothing kills a budding romance faster than inappropriateness. Once the doctor starts the examination, dive into the weirdest, most off-putting topics you can think of. “Do you think aliens have advanced prostate examination techniques?” “If a ghost had a prostate exam, would it be called a paranormal proctology?”

Throw in a few questions about the possibility of extraterrestrial life enjoying prostate exams, and you’ll quickly steer the conversation far from romantic territory. The more bizarre and awkward, the better. Keep them guessing, and yourself from falling into any romantic traps.

Develop an Irrational Fear of Gloves

Gloves are a necessary part of the procedure, but you can use them to your advantage. Develop an irrational fear of latex gloves. When the doctor snaps on a pair, overreact in the most ridiculous way possible. Scream, “Not the gloves! Anything but the gloves!”

Pretend you’re deathly allergic to latex and insist on using your imaginary “special gloves” that you forgot at home. Watching the doctor try to process your absurdity will ensure neither of you have time to entertain romantic thoughts.

Channel Your Inner 90s Action Hero

You are not a vulnerable patient; you are a 90s action hero. Picture yourself as Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone. Growl lines like, “This isn’t love; it’s war,” or, “I didn’t sign up for romance; I signed up to kick prostate cancer’s ass.”

Visualize yourself in a dramatic slow-motion sequence where the doctor is the villain, and you’re about to drop a one-liner before saving the day. The key is to turn the exam into a high-stakes action movie scene where love has no place.

Bring a Creepy Doll as a Chaperone

A creepy doll is the ultimate romantic deterrent. Place it in the corner of the room with its lifeless eyes staring directly at the doctor. Introduce it as “Mr. Snuggles, my emotional support doll.”

The unsettling presence of a creepy doll will keep the atmosphere far from romantic. Every time the doctor looks at it, they’ll be reminded that this is no place for tender feelings. Plus, it’s a great conversation piece that will keep the focus away from any potential spark.

Randomly Bark Like a Dog

Whenever the doctor gets too close or the atmosphere gets too quiet, randomly bark like a dog. This absurd behavior will keep the situation from becoming too intimate. If barking feels too tame, meow, cluck like a chicken, or make whale sounds.

Your unpredictable animal impressions will ensure that the only love in the room is the doctor’s love for their job, and your love for absurdity. Plus, it’s a great way to test the doctor’s professionalism.

Insist on Wearing a Tinfoil Hat

Enter the exam room with a tinfoil hat securely fastened on your head. Explain that it protects you from falling in love during medical procedures. This hat is your shield against any romantic feelings that might arise.

Whenever the doctor tries to make conversation, adjust your tinfoil hat and mutter about the dangers of mind control. The sheer absurdity of your behavior will keep the situation firmly in the realm of the bizarre, far from anything resembling romance.

Conclusion: The Final Frontier

As you pull up your pants and adjust your tinfoil hat one last time, take a moment to appreciate the absurdity of the situation. You’ve managed to navigate the prostate exam without falling head over heels for your doctor. Sure, you might now have a reputation for being the weirdest patient ever, but at least your heart remains intact.

Remember, a prostate exam is just a medical procedure, not a romantic rendezvous. With these tips, you can keep your feelings in check and ensure that the only thing you leave with is a clean bill of health – and maybe a creepy doll as a new best friend.