Last Updated on October 28, 2025 by Michael

Winning: How to Be Happy by Lowering Every Standard You Have

Somewhere right now, someone is journaling their gratitude while doing sun salutations at 5 AM.

That person is a liar.

Nobody’s actually grateful at 5 AM. At 5 AM, humans are supposed to be unconscious, dreaming about showing up to work naked or whatever anxiety looks like in your subconscious. But society decided that suffering before sunrise makes you a better person, and now everyone’s pretending they love it. Time to stop pretending.

The Math Nobody Wants You to Know

Happiness = Reality – Expectations.

That’s it. That’s the formula. Some PhD probably got tenure for figuring that out, but you could’ve told them that after your third glass of wine at Thanksgiving when your mom asked about your five-year plan.

Think about it. Your great-grandparents expected flying cars and colonies on Mars. You get excited when the barista spells your name right. Who’s winning here? (Hint: it’s you, even if they wrote “Kaitlyn” when your name is “Bob.”)

The entire self-help industry is built on making you feel like garbage so you’ll buy their solution. But what if – and hear me out – what if you just decided you’re already fine? Not great. Not amazing. Just… fine. Revolutionary? No. Effective? Absolutely.

Alright, Let’s Murder Your Ambitions

You’ve got goals? Cute. How’s that working out?

Stop treating your life like it’s a LinkedIn profile that needs optimizing. You’re not a brand. You’re a human disaster wrapped in anxiety and held together by caffeine, and that’s perfectly adequate.

Dating: Lower That Bar Until It’s Underground

Modern dating is just two people pretending to be better versions of themselves until someone accidentally farts and the whole charade collapses.

Everyone’s profile says they love hiking and adventures. Nobody loves hiking. People love the idea of being someone who hikes. There’s a massive difference. One involves actual sweat and knee pain, the other involves buying North Face jackets you’ll never wear outdoors.

You want to find “The One”? Statistics called – they’re laughing. There are 8 billion people on this planet. If there’s only one person for you, those odds are worse than winning the lottery while getting struck by lightning while a shark attacks you. On land.

New dating standards that actually make sense:

• Texts back (eventually)
• Owns at least one towel that isn’t stolen from a hotel
• Their ex is an ex, not a “complicated situation”
• Doesn’t think podcasts count as a personality
• Can handle silence without filling it with conspiracy theories
• Knows the difference between “your” and “you’re” (negotiable if they’re really hot)

That couple posting #RelationshipGoals photos? They argued for 45 minutes about where to eat before that picture. You know it. They know it. The only honest relationship goal is finding someone whose crazy matches your crazy enough that you don’t murder each other over thermostat settings.

Your Career Is a Joke and Everyone’s In On It

Every motivational speaker selling you the dream of “doing what you love” conveniently loves charging $5,000 to tell you that.

You know who’s actually winning at careers? People who figured out how to do the absolute minimum while still getting paid. That’s not laziness – that’s game theory. Your coworker who’s always “swamped” but never seems to produce anything? They’ve transcended. They’ve achieved corporate nirvana.

Companies don’t care about you. You’re a line item on a spreadsheet that someone in management is trying to make smaller. So why are you killing yourself for a pizza party and a mention in the company newsletter nobody reads?

Actual professional development:

• Perfected the “thinking face” during meetings about nothing
• Mastered the art of looking essential while being completely replaceable
• Turned “fake it till you make it” into a sustainable career path
• Convinced everyone you’re a “self-starter” when you can barely start your car
• Created the illusion of productivity through strategic email timing

Money: You Don’t Have It and That’s Hilarious

Financial advisors love saying “pay yourself first.” Cool. With what money, Bradley?

Here’s the truth about financial planning: Everyone’s broke, just at different levels. Jeff Bezos is just broke with more zeros. Your rich friend? Stressed about their mortgage on a house they can’t afford. You? Stressed about rent on a place you can barely afford. Same energy, different price points.

Your new financial goals:

• Check bank balance without crying
• Find a quarter in your couch (passive income!)
• Remember which streaming services you’re subscribed to
• Pay a bill on time (accidentally counts)
• Achieve the credit score of a responsible hamster

Stop feeling bad about not having savings. Nobody has savings. People who claim they have savings are either lying or their parents are rich. Usually both.

Fitness Is a Scam Sold by People Who Hate Food

The wellness industry makes billions convincing you that suffering equals health.

Your friend doing CrossFit isn’t healthier than you – they just have more Instagram-worthy injuries and a vocabulary that includes “WOD” and other made-up words. You know what’s actually healthy? Not destroying your joints for the approval of strangers on the internet.

The only fitness plan you need:

• Walk (to the fridge)
• Lift (your phone)
• Stretch (the truth about your activity level)
• Run (from responsibilities)
• Plank (on your couch, horizontally)

Every January, gyms make their entire yearly profit from people who’ll show up exactly twice. You’re not lazy for skipping this ritual – you’re economically intelligent.

Your Living Space Is a Disaster and That’s Art

Marie Kondo wants you to thank your socks before throwing them away. Your socks are in a ball under your bed, fermenting with dreams you gave up on in 2019.

Those home organization shows where everything has a place and a label? Those people are medicated. Heavily. Nobody naturally lives like that. Humans are chaos. Your apartment should reflect that truth.

The Chair™ exists in every home. It’s not for sitting. It’s for clothes that aren’t dirty enough for laundry but aren’t clean enough for the closet. The Chair™ is purgatory for fabrics, and it’s sacred.

You don’t need to adult better. Adults are just kids who got taller and sadder. Your parents didn’t know what they were doing either – they just didn’t have social media to document their failures.

Social Life: You Don’t Want One and That’s Valid

Remember when you thought being popular mattered?

Now someone invites you out and your first thought is calculating how many excuses you have left this month. “Sorry, can’t make it” is self-care. “Maybe next time” is a beautiful lie you both agree to maintain.

Friendship in your 30s is just sending memes to each other instead of talking and occasionally mentioning that you should hang out, with zero intention of following through. That’s not sad. That’s efficient.

The Morning Routine That Actually Works

Stop pretending mornings are magical.

Stop Caring So Much, You’re Embarrassing Yourself

You’re trying to care about climate change, social justice, your health, your career, your relationships, your future, your past, and whether you’re using the right pronouns for your friend’s houseplant. That’s too much.

Pick two things. Maybe three if you’re an overachiever. Everything else? Not your problem.

The world is on fire, the economy is fake, and we’re all going to die someday. You recycling that yogurt container isn’t fixing anything. But if it makes you feel better, go ahead. Just stop pretending it matters.

Personal Growth Is Masturbation for People Who Think They’re Special

Self-help books are horoscopes for people with Amazon Prime.

“Everything happens for a reason”? Yeah, the reason is chaos and random chance, but that doesn’t sell books. You know what’s really happening? Nothing. Nothing is happening for any reason, and that’s oddly freeing once you accept it.

Stop trying to become a better version of yourself. This is it. This is the version. It’s like a software update that mostly just drains your battery faster – technically different, functionally identical.

Hobbies Are Just Money You Threw Away

That guitar? That’s $500 of shame leaning against your wall. Those art supplies? A monument to the person you thought you’d become before you remembered you have no talent or dedication.

But here’s the secret: Nobody finishes anything. Everyone’s pretending they’re making progress on projects that died the moment they started. Your abandoned hobbies aren’t failures – they’re donations to the economy.

Feeding Yourself: A Daily Crisis Nobody Talks About

Cooking shows convinced everyone that meals should be experiences.

Meals aren’t experiences. Meals are obligations you’re forced to deal with three times a day until you die. Sometimes that obligation is met with cheese eaten directly from the package while standing in front of the open fridge. That’s not depression – that’s efficiency.

The Truth Nobody Wants to Hear

Everyone successful enough to give advice got lucky, rich, or both.

The millionaire telling you to hustle harder? Trust fund. The influencer with the perfect life? Sponsored by brands and dead inside. Your friend who “has it all together”? They called their mom crying yesterday about a work email.

But you? You’ve figured out the ultimate cheat code: Stop playing the game.

You’re not lowering standards. You’re rejecting the entire premise that standards were legitimate to begin with. That’s not failure – that’s philosophy.

Every day you wake up in a world designed to make you feel inadequate, and you choose to exist anyway. Not thrive. Not excel. Just exist. And honestly? That’s enough.

The bar isn’t on the floor. There is no bar. There never was. It was a collective delusion, and you’ve opted out.

You’re not broken. The system is broken, and you’re just the only one honest enough to admit it.

So go forth. Achieve nothing. Expect less. Discover that less is actually plenty, and plenty is too much work anyway.

Welcome to happiness. It looks exactly like giving up, but with better branding and fewer tears in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

(You’re still going to cry in the Trader Joe’s parking lot. But at least now you’ll know why.)