Last Updated on June 17, 2024 by Michael
Ever dreamt of becoming a tattoo artist but your wallet laughs at your aspirations? Well, you’re in luck! This guide will teach you how to achieve your tattoo dreams using just a safety pin, some ink, and a questionable amount of courage. Let’s dive into the bizarre, slightly painful, and completely unnecessary world of DIY tattoos.
Step One: Raid the Junk Drawer for Supplies
Forget about fancy tattoo machines and sterilized needles. The real treasure lies in that junk drawer filled with random knick-knacks you never thought you’d need. Grab a safety pin – the rustier, the better. Adds character. And don’t forget the ink. Not tattoo ink, no, that’s too mainstream. We’re talking ballpoint pen ink. Because who needs professional-grade supplies when you have the mighty Bic?
Now that you’ve assembled your makeshift tattoo kit, it’s time to dive into the next step. But wait, what’s that under the expired coupons and dead batteries? A mysterious vial of “liquid courage”? Perfect! Take a shot. You’re going to need it.
Step Two: Sanitation Is for Wimps
All those health regulations about sterilizing equipment are just suggestions, right? Real DIYers scoff at safety! Take your safety pin and run it through a lighter flame for a couple of seconds. If it starts glowing red, you’ve probably held it there too long, but no worries, your tetanus shot is up to date… right?
Next, wipe it down with some rubbing alcohol if you’re feeling fancy. If not, a quick dip in your leftover whiskey will do the trick. Bonus points for drinking the whiskey first. It’s a win-win situation.
Step Three: Sketch Your Masterpiece
You’ve got your pin, you’ve got your ink, and you’re slightly tipsy. Now it’s time to create a masterpiece. Grab a piece of paper and start sketching. Remember, this is going on your body forever, so take your time. Draw something meaningful, like a tiny stick figure or a heart that looks more like a deformed potato.
If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, go freehand directly on your skin. That way, every mistake becomes part of the art. Who needs perfection when you can have a permanent reminder of that one night you made poor life choices?
Step Four: The Moment of Truth
It’s time to make your mark, quite literally. Press the safety pin into your skin gently, as if you’re dotting an i. Only this i will stay with you forever, unlike your last relationship. Dip the pin into the ink, and then poke it into your skin. Repeat this process a million times because that’s the level of commitment we’re working with here.
Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Or so they say. Feel free to scream into a pillow, curse the gods, or make a deal with the devil. Anything to distract from the fact that you’re voluntarily stabbing yourself repeatedly with a safety pin.
Step Five: Admire Your Horrible Life Choices
Congratulations! You’ve successfully given yourself a DIY tattoo. Take a moment to admire your work. Sure, it might be red, swollen, and resemble a kindergartner’s art project, but it’s yours. All yours.
Post a picture on social media and watch as your friends and family either praise your bravery or question your sanity. Either way, you’ve made a statement. And that statement is, “I have absolutely no regard for professional tattoo artists or basic hygiene.”
What to Do When Your Tattoo Gets Infected
So your DIY tattoo is looking a little…angry. Maybe it’s oozing something that definitely isn’t ink. Don’t panic. Just follow these simple steps to avoid a trip to the ER.
First, Google your symptoms. Always a good idea. Convince yourself you have about 48 hours to live. Then call your mom. She’ll either tell you to go to the doctor immediately or berate you for being an idiot. Probably both.
If you’re still conscious and not turning a strange shade of green, try some home remedies. Rub some dirt in it, pour more whiskey on it, or maybe even use actual antibiotic ointment if you’re into that sort of thing. Worst-case scenario, you’ll have a gnarly scar to show off at parties.
How to Explain Your DIY Tattoo to Future Partners
Eventually, someone special is going to see your DIY tattoo and ask, “What the hell is that?” Here are a few strategies for handling this delicate situation.
Option one: Lie. Tell them it’s an ancient symbol of your people, a mark of bravery passed down through generations. They’ll either be impressed or too confused to ask more questions.
Option two: Blame it on a wild night out. “Oh, that? Yeah, I got it in a bar in Tijuana. Crazy night, I barely remember it.” This approach adds an air of mystery and danger, which can be strangely appealing.
Option three: Own it. “Yeah, I gave myself a tattoo with a safety pin and ink. I’m hardcore like that.” This one’s for the bold and unashamed. If they can’t handle your DIY tattoo, they’re probably not the one for you anyway.
DIY Tattoo Removal: The Sequel Nobody Wanted
Regret is a dish best served with a side of pain and a sprinkle of “what was I thinking?” If you find yourself wanting to part ways with your DIY masterpiece, here are some options.
Laser removal is the professional, safe, and ridiculously expensive route. But where’s the fun in that? Instead, consider these DIY removal techniques.
Lemon juice and salt scrub: Because nothing says “I make good decisions” like rubbing citrus and salt into an open wound. It’s like making a margarita on your skin. And just as painful.
Cover-up tattoos: Find a friend with actual tattooing skills and beg them to fix your mistake. Just make sure they’re not using a safety pin this time.
Embrace the scar: Think of it as a lesson learned, etched into your skin forever. Plus, chicks dig scars, right? Or at least that’s what you’ll tell yourself every time you look in the mirror.
Conclusion: Was It Worth It?
So, was it worth it? Only you can decide. Maybe you’ve discovered a hidden talent for body art, or maybe you’ve just realized that some things are better left to the professionals. Either way, you’ve got a story to tell and a permanent reminder of your willingness to try new things – even if those things involve a questionable level of self-inflicted pain.
In the end, DIY tattoos with a safety pin and ink might not be the best idea you’ve ever had, but they’ll definitely make you laugh, cry, and wonder what the hell you were thinking. And isn’t that what life’s all about?
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