How to Train Your Parrot to Roast Your Ex on Command

Last Updated on September 23, 2024 by Michael

Alright, let’s talk about something truly useful. Forget teaching your parrot to say “hello” or some other mindless drivel. You’re here for something with actual value—like turning your feathered friend into a ruthless insult machine. You’ve been wronged, and nothing says closure quite like having a bird absolutely destroy your ex’s fragile ego with a few well-timed roasts. Let’s get into how to train your parrot to verbally body-slam the one who ghosted you, cheated on you, or maybe just had bad taste in Netflix shows. Who cares? They’re dead to you now.

Step One: Choose the Right Parrot (A.K.A. Not All Birds Are Created Equal)

First things first, if you’re out here trying to train a pigeon to roast your ex, just stop. You’re setting yourself up for failure. Pigeons are like the drunk frat boys of the bird world—dumb as hell and completely useless at anything beyond eating trash off the street. What you need is a parrot with some spice, like a Cockatoo or an African Grey. These birds have the sass levels necessary to eviscerate someone’s soul with words.

Plus, parrots can live for like 70 years, which means they’ll be roasting your ex for decades. Imagine you’re old and gray, sitting in your recliner, and your parrot just casually drops, “That’s why your Tinder matches ghost you, Steve.” You’ll never stop laughing.

Develop a Healthy Diet of Insults

Now, before you start feeding your parrot lines that make your ex cry themselves to sleep, you’ve got to lay some groundwork. You wouldn’t walk into a bar and immediately challenge the biggest guy to a fistfight (unless you’re feeling particularly suicidal). Same goes for your parrot. Start with some light roasting, like calling out minor personality flaws.

Examples:

• “Oh, nice shirt! Did your mom pick that out for you?”
• “Do you always breathe that loud, or is today special?”
• “Did your boss say you’re ‘just not management material’ again?”

Ease your parrot into it, but make sure these insults are still stinging enough to leave a mark. Just don’t immediately hit them with the nuclear option. Build the tension.

Make Sure Your Parrot Has an Expletive Arsenal

Let’s be real: no roast is complete without some well-placed profanity. Now, I’m not saying turn your parrot into a swear machine (okay, I am saying that), but a well-timed f-bomb or two can send someone spiraling into an existential crisis.

Start with the classics. It’s time for the filthiest, dirtiest language you can muster. Nothing too extreme—you don’t want the bird flying off and getting you reported to the authorities for hate speech—but just enough to keep things spicy. Teach your parrot to sprinkle in:

• “You f***ing moron.”
• “What kind of dumb-a** wears socks with sandals?”
• “Do you ever think before you open your mouth, or is it all just guesswork?”

Make sure the bird feels the emotion behind it. You want passion, not just squawking for the sake of squawking. Your parrot’s got to mean it, like it’s been wronged too. Parrots hold grudges, and that’s what you want. Channel their natural pettiness. If they’ve got beef with your ex, they’ll deliver those insults with some venom.

Use Psychological Warfare: Hit ‘Em Where It Hurts

Now that your parrot can swear like a sailor, it’s time to upgrade to psychological warfare. Your ex might try to laugh it off at first. But once your parrot starts roasting their deepest insecurities, that’s when you know you’ve won. Train your bird to go after things that’ll really mess with their head:

• “That’s why your father never hugged you.”
• “Bet your therapist’s getting rich off of you, huh?”
• “No wonder you can’t keep a relationship, you needy little gremlin.”

This is where you take no prisoners. Go after everything—job failures, relationship baggage, and unresolved childhood trauma. Parrots are observant little creatures, so they’ll pick up on your ex’s vulnerabilities and turn them into verbal daggers.

Bonus points if the roast involves something super specific, like their lack of progress in therapy or their weird attachment to a high school sports trophy they never really earned. Hit those deep cuts.

Training Through Repetition (Like Your Ex’s Repeated Failures)

Consistency is key when you’re training your parrot to verbally humiliate someone. Just like your ex consistently screwed up that relationship, you need to repeatedly expose your bird to the insults. Repetition makes perfect, and you want your parrot to roast your ex on autopilot, like it’s as natural as breathing.

Set aside time each day to rehearse insults. Do it in different rooms, at different times, and maybe even in different voices if you want to make sure it really sticks. You might feel like a crazy person saying, “That’s why your credit score is s***,” over and over again, but you’re doing this for the greater good. Stick with it.

Soon enough, your parrot will start saying these things unprompted, which is the ultimate goal. Imagine you’re just sitting around and your bird randomly says, “You know your ex peaked in high school, right?” with no warning. That’s the dream.

Practice Makes Perfect (And Public Humiliation Makes It Even Better)

If you really want to nail the training, take your parrot out in public to get some real-world practice. The best way to test its roasting skills is by introducing it to new people and seeing how it reacts. Bring your parrot to your ex’s favorite bar, or better yet, the place they go on awkward Tinder dates. Let the parrot loose on unsuspecting patrons.

“Nice shoes, did you find them in a dumpster?” It’ll be like performance art. The beauty of it is your parrot can insult anyone, but your ex is the target. Train the bird to recognize your ex’s voice, their face, or even just the sound of their annoying laugh. Once it can zero in on them like a missile, that’s when the magic happens. Your ex won’t know what hit them.

Advanced Techniques: Teaching Your Parrot to Laugh At Your Ex’s Jokes (And Then Say “Just Kidding”)

Now, for the final phase of training: mastering the art of fake laughter. You know that laugh your ex used to do when they thought they were being funny but were really just embarrassing themselves? Yeah, teach your parrot to imitate it.

After the parrot nails that, follow it up with a deadpan “just kidding.” Nothing will make your ex question their entire existence quite like hearing a parrot sarcastically laugh at their jokes. This takes the roast to a whole new level. Not only is your parrot roasting them, it’s also dismissing any attempt they make to salvage their dignity.

Conclusion: Congratulations, You’ve Just Weaponized a Bird

If you’ve followed these steps correctly, you’ve turned your parrot into an unstoppable insult machine. Your ex will never know peace again, constantly on edge, knowing that at any moment, a bird might swoop in and verbally tear them apart. This is more than revenge—it’s an art form.

Enjoy the chaos.