Look. This conversation has been a long time coming. You’ve been up at 3am doing things on the internet. Unhinged things. Googling “signs of demonic possession” and “can evil be hereditary” and “is it normal to hear boss music when my mother-in-law pulls into the driveway.” Your browser history reads like the prequel to a…
Look. Nobody here is judging you. But if you’re genuinely considering downing 24, 30, or god forbid, 36 beers in one sitting, someone needs to intervene. That someone is this article. Buckle up, champ. The Physical Consequences Your liver will file for divorce. It’s been putting up with a lot. This might be the final…
7 Lies All Used Car Salesmen Tell (And Why You Should Run) Something needs to be said. Something that has plagued humanity since the first caveman tried to sell another caveman a slightly used wheel with “character marks.” You know the guy. Short-sleeve dress shirt tucked into pleated khakis. Handshake that’s somehow both too firm…
Nobody wakes up and chooses this life. One day you’re a functioning adult with a refrigerator full of actual food, and the next day you’re standing in front of a mechanical rectangle at 2 AM, trying to decide if Cheetos count as dinner. Life comes at you fast, and apparently it comes at you through…
You built a time machine. In your garage. Using YouTube tutorials and a microwave from 1987. And now you’re what—gonna leave Mr. Whiskers behind? The same cat who throws an existential crisis when you close the bathroom door? Good luck with that. 1. Pack Enough Treats to Prevent Temporal War Here’s what happens when you…
Look. Nobody talks about this. The bourbon community pretends asthmatics don’t exist. The asthma community pretends bourbon doesn’t exist. And somewhere in the forgotten middle sits a very specific group of lunatics clutching rescue inhalers in one hand and refreshing bourbon Twitter with the other, wondering why God chose violence on the exact morning Total…
