Someone had to write this. The internet has been waiting. The dartboards have been waiting. The void has been waiting, and the void is circular and mounted on a wall. You clicked on this article, which says something about you. Either you’re blind and genuinely interested in throwing sharp objects recreationally, or you’re sighted and…
So. You made a face at Thanksgiving. Maybe it was the casserole. Maybe it was that gray meat situation that seemed to be watching you back. Maybe it was the jello mold that contained what appeared to be olives, mandarin oranges, and someone’s abandoned dreams from 1974. Your spouse saw it. Your mother-in-law saw it….
The medical professional gave you the news, and now there’s a situation happening in the lower deck that looks like a pepperoni pizza had a mid-life crisis. It sucks. It’s itchy. It feels like your groin is hosting a tiny, angry Coachella for viruses that nobody invited. But here is the thing: misery is for…
Listen up, city slicker. You’ve been watching Yellowstone reruns and now you think you’re ready for the ranch life? Put down the remote. This needs to be said. Horses Are Basically Medieval Torture Devices That Eat Money (Reasons 1-23) 1. A horse is what happens when evolution has a mental breakdown. It’s a half-ton panic…
Every winter, someone decides their wood stove is a magical portal where physics takes a vacation. A dimension where consequences pack their bags and leave town. A realm where “what’s the worst that could happen?” never gets answered. Bad news: it’s just a metal box. In your living room. And it remembers everything. Aerosol Cans:…
The beauty industry has been lying to you. Not about skincare or whatever serum costs $400 and allegedly contains orchid tears harvested by monks who took a vow of silence about moisturizing. About something more fundamental. Something growing right under your nose. Literally. Your nose hair. You’ve been treating it like the enemy—trimming, plucking, waxing…