You kept a horse indoors. A small one. It was still a horse, and your apartment will never forget it. Now the lease is ending, and your landlord is clutching your deposit like the last lifeboat off a sinking marriage. The money is recoverable. Most of it, anyway. But you are about to clean like…
Dating already means screening strangers for whether they chew with their mouth open or text their mom mid-appetizer. Now there’s a newer concern. Whether they want your kidneys, and whether they’ve already found a buyer. The warning signs your date is trying to harvest your organs for resale are subtle, well-mannered, and usually delivered by…
Somewhere in America right now, a 34-year-old paralegal is gazing into the soulful eyes of a beagle named Reginald and thinking the unthinkable. Reginald is a wonderful boy. He has never judged anyone for crying into Honey Nut Cheerios and holds no opinions about credit scores, exes, or your gym membership. None of this means…
Somewhere out there, a brave and deeply confused soul is standing in a bathroom holding a bag of oranges and a fifth of rum, doing math. This page exists for that person. What follows is 101 reasons not to use your toilet as a punch bowl. Each one stands on its own. Each one is…
Computer troubleshooting tips that don’t involve hitting all share one dirty little secret: the boring fixes work, and your fist never has. Restart it. Yank the plug out and ram it back in. Cool it down, evict the forty browser tabs breeding like horny rabbits, and check whether something’s squatting inside it. Not one of…
Do not try to milk a walrus. That should be the whole article. But people keep asking, presumably the same people who lick frozen flagpoles and trust gas station sushi. So here are seven reasons, each one a fresh slap to your dignity, your ankles, and possibly your criminal record. A walrus is a 4,000-pound…