She came over carrying cookies and kissed you on the cheek. The breath she sent your way on the exhale could strip varnish off a coffin. The dentures have crossed a line. They are no longer teeth, they are a bioweapon parked behind her lipstick. You love her, and you also love breathing. Both things…
Somewhere in America right now, a gastroenterologist is staring at the back of a stranger’s head from a profoundly unflattering angle. They have heard things. Disturbing things. Quotable things. Things their spouses have not been told about. Some of those things were said by patients running on one-third sedation, one-third dignity, and one-third leftover Pinot…
A hangover is your body’s annual performance review, delivered by a tiny pissed-off accountant who lives in your skull and uses your eyeballs as drum kits. The morning after a bender comes with the same tempting little lie: that some magical cure is out there, waiting to undo the eleven Aperol spritzes you treated like…
Competitive eaters cheat. Constantly. And they cheat in ways so spectacularly stupid that the appropriate punishment is just a hug from their disappointed mother. The most common methods include swapping empty plates to inflate the count, hiding chunks of food in dark-colored drinks, and palming half-chewed buns into napkins. Some of them even quietly puke…
A 130-count bag of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls contains approximately 4,333 calories spread across about 21 servings, with each six-roll serving running 200 calories. Roughly 33 calories per individual roll. 63.5 ounces of bag. One full evening of choices your mother would not approve of. Combination, Triple Cheese, and Triple Meat flavors all land in…
You have soiled yourself. The venue is public. There are witnesses, and one of them is a child who will describe this to a therapist someday. Your first instinct will be to confess. Strangle that instinct in its crib. Confession is for mistakes that can be fixed. This one cannot. What you are running now…