Everyone acts like getting abducted by aliens is this transcendent experience. Like you’re gonna come back enlightened, maybe with some cool space wisdom about the meaning of life. Bullshit. Getting abducted is like being kidnapped by DMV employees who happen to have spaceships and zero understanding of human anatomy. Here’s why it sucks, in excruciating…
Downloaded an AI girlfriend app, huh? Look, nobody’s judging. (Everyone’s judging. Your Google search history is judging. The algorithm itself is definitely judging.) But you’re here now, committed to this particular brand of digital romance, so might as well own it. You open the app and suddenly forget how words work. Brain? Smooth as a…
Alright. You searched for this. That happened. Right now, somewhere in Silicon Valley, a Google engineer is staring at your search query and questioning everything they thought they knew about human behavior. Your internet service provider just held an emergency meeting. Amazon’s algorithm is confused why you’re suddenly getting ads for therapy. But here you…
9 Strategies to Handle Hot Pepper Eating Contests (Without Actually Dying) Right. So you signed up for a hot pepper eating contest. That waiver you just signed? The one with phrases like “permanent nerve damage” and “possible hallucinations”? Should’ve been your exit cue. But no. Here you are, staring down a table of peppers that…
Your girlfriend’s uterus just got yeeted into medical waste and you’re standing in the hospital gift shop holding a teddy bear that says “Get Well Soon” like some kind of idiot. Nobody prepared you for this. The surgeon explained the procedure using words like “laparoscopic” and “bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy” while you nodded along pretending you didn’t…
Winning: How to Be Happy by Lowering Every Standard You Have Somewhere right now, someone is journaling their gratitude while doing sun salutations at 5 AM. That person is a liar. Nobody’s actually grateful at 5 AM. At 5 AM, humans are supposed to be unconscious, dreaming about showing up to work naked or whatever…
