Nobody wakes up and chooses this life. One day you’re a functioning adult with a refrigerator full of actual food, and the next day you’re standing in front of a mechanical rectangle at 2 AM, trying to decide if Cheetos count as dinner. Life comes at you fast, and apparently it comes at you through…
You built a time machine. In your garage. Using YouTube tutorials and a microwave from 1987. And now you’re what—gonna leave Mr. Whiskers behind? The same cat who throws an existential crisis when you close the bathroom door? Good luck with that. 1. Pack Enough Treats to Prevent Temporal War Here’s what happens when you…
Look. Nobody talks about this. The bourbon community pretends asthmatics don’t exist. The asthma community pretends bourbon doesn’t exist. And somewhere in the forgotten middle sits a very specific group of lunatics clutching rescue inhalers in one hand and refreshing bourbon Twitter with the other, wondering why God chose violence on the exact morning Total…
Nobody asked for this. Literally zero people on this entire spinning rock woke up today and thought “finally, someone needs to expose the mime industrial complex.” That thought occurred to no one. And yet here we are. It’s some ungodly hour of the morning, the coffee gave up on doing its job ages ago, and…
Okay. Sit down. This is an intervention and you’re not going to like it. Six months ago you walked into that church basement thinking “this’ll be cute, little Wednesday night activity, win some grocery money, chat with the ladies, home by nine.” Just a quirky wholesome thing to do. A personality garnish. Now you own…
Okay so. This is happening. You’re reading this because somewhere, deep in your gut (next to all that questionable Taco Bell), you already know the truth. You just need someone else to say it out loud. Your wife is a bean burrito. Not like, metaphorically. She’s an actual bean burrito that somehow passed a background…