Congratulations on the new relationship. Your girlfriend cannot leave you, cannot block you, and lives in the same phone as your fantasy football app. Now comes the part where you try to flirt with her, which is exactly where everything goes to pieces. The worst pickup lines for your new AI girlfriend are not the…
A 5-ounce glass of Franzia Chardonnay runs about 105 calories, which sounds wholesome until you remember nobody alive pours five ounces. The full 5L box quietly hoards roughly 3,570 calories inside one silver bladder, the same way a casino quietly hoards your rent money. Per glass, you look like a responsible adult One glass, and…
The best places to hide your cash in a trailer park are not in a safe. A safe is a billboard that says “rob me last, but definitely rob me.” Cash in a trailer park is like a juicy secret at a family reunion. Everybody finds out by Tuesday. You are not hiding from cat…
Drinking boxed wine for breakfast is actually healthy, which sounds unhinged until you remember the bar for “healthy” has been lying face-down on your kitchen floor since Tuesday. Picture the morning. Your mouth tastes like a wet ashtray seduced a gym sock. Breakfast is a coin flip between sad oatmeal and a beverage that arrives…
You should not use a torch to remove hemorrhoids. That sentence should have ended the conversation. Yet somewhere on Earth, a grown adult is right now eyeing the warranty card on a Bernzomatic and squinting like a man with a plan. Roughly 26% of humans are walking around with hemorrhoids at this exact moment. Approximately…
Here is the truth, served straight and unsalted: you probably cannot stop eating Pringles before you finish the can. Nobody can. The few saints who claim otherwise are lying, or they have simply never been alone in a kitchen at 11pm with a fresh tube of sour cream and onion. But real tactics exist that…