Nobody told you about this part. They mentioned juice boxes and participation trophies and some nonsense about “supporting your child’s athletic journey.” But did anyone—ANYONE—explain that youth soccer parking lots operate under the same rules as prison yards? That securing a spot within a quarter-mile of the field requires skills typically reserved for international espionage?…
Okay, so here’s what happened. Somewhere between the pandemic, the dating app apocalypse, and that guy who asked if vaginas have bones, your vagina said “fuck it” and started preparing for the end times. And honestly? Good for her. 1. She’s Started Hoarding Toilet Paper (And Everything Else) That tampon that mysteriously vanished from your…
So you’ve got twelve bucks and the judgment of a concussed raccoon. Welcome to the club. There’s no membership card, but there is a hangover that’ll make you question the existence of a merciful god. Let’s Talk About Rock Bottom’s Basement You know that moment in the liquor store when you’re doing the math? Not…
Just lost next month’s rent on a “guaranteed” system that definitely wasn’t guaranteed? Good news: your body is literally manufacturing money right now. Bad news: you have to let strangers drain it out of you with needles. The Beautiful Economics of Controlled Bleeding Plasma donation is the only hustle where being a repeat customer is…
So you bought a fake mustache. Maybe it was on sale. Maybe your friends dared you. Maybe you lost a bet to someone named Keith who still quotes Borat in 2025. Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re now holding this synthetic face-caterpillar, and deep down – deep, deep down in that place where you…
The Great Digital Migration of 2009 (And They Never Left) Remember when Facebook required a college email? When your biggest worry was whether to list yourself as “in a relationship” or “it’s complicated”? Yeah, those days are dead. Your parents killed them. The invasion started innocently enough. One day in 2009, your mom created an…
