17 Excuses for Calling Off Work That Actually Work (And Your Boss Will Actually Believe) Listen. You woke up this morning and violence was your first emotion. Violence toward your alarm. Violence toward the very concept of Tuesday. Violence toward Brad from accounting who will definitely microwave fish for lunch again. You’re not going in….
Look. Something needs to be said. Something that’s been festering in living rooms across this nation. Something that’s been silently (and sometimes not so silently) destroying relationships, ruining movie nights, and making guests develop sudden urgent reasons to leave. Your dog’s farts could strip paint off walls. You already know this. You’ve lived it. You’ve…
Something’s wrong. You can’t put your finger on it at first. Maybe it’s the way your bedroom smells like a petting zoo that lost its funding. Maybe it’s the mysterious fur stuck to your ceiling fan. Or maybe—just maybe—it’s the Size 28 footprint in chocolate pudding on your nightstand. Congratulations. You’ve joined an exclusive club…
Your pancreas is plotting your demise. Not in a dramatic way. More like a passive-aggressive roommate who’s been putting up with your crap for too long and is now leaving Post-it notes on everything. Morning Atrocities 1. That coffee order. Seventeen pumps of caramel. SEVENTEEN. At what point does coffee become a cry for help…
How to Eat Soup in the Shower: A Guide for People Who’ve Given Up on Boundaries So you’re googling “shower soup techniques” at 3 AM. Good for you. At least you’re committed to something. Let’s Address the Elephant in the Bathroom Everyone’s out here pretending they’ve got their life together, meal prepping on Sundays, using…
Listen, you own a toupee. That’s a fact. Maybe you call it a “hair system” or “follicular enhancement solution” but let’s not kid ourselves – it’s a toupee, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What IS wrong? Treating it like some sacred artifact that must be protected at all costs. You know what else people…