So you lost a leg and gained a $50,000 piece of hardware that makes transformer sounds when you walk. And you’re just… walking with it? Like some kind of pedestrian? Listen, everybody at that party has two boring meat legs that do nothing but transport their disappointing personality from the chips to the bathroom. You?…
You’re really doing this, huh? Found this article at 3 AM after googling “worst wedding venues” and somehow landed on “actually, what if though?” Or maybe you lost a bet. A big bet. The kind of bet that makes your friends question whether they actually like you or just keep you around for the entertainment…
Okay, so you’re broke. Like, checking-couch-cushions-for-gas-money broke. Googling “can you eat dog food if you season it” broke. Your house looks like a before photo that never got an after, the roof leaks like Edward Snowden, and you’re pretty sure that smell in the basement isn’t just mold anymore—it’s evolved. It has opinions now. Then…
Your pancreas is racist and everyone knows it but you. There. Someone had to say it. You’ve been making excuses for months now — “Oh, it’s just sensitive,” “Maybe it’s the stress,” “Organs can’t be bigoted, that’s ridiculous” — but deep down? You know something’s off. That weird cramping after eating Thai food isn’t about…
Alright, let’s do this. You’re googling “McDonald’s hemorrhoids safe food” at 11:47 PM because your ass feels like it’s hosting a volcano convention and you still want nuggets. This is rock bottom with a side of fries. Nobody prepared you for this moment. Not your parents. Not school. Definitely not Ronald McDonald, who’s somewhere laughing…
Blood pressure medication: $847 a month. Social Security check: $1,243 a month. The look on your doctor’s face when you ask if high blood pressure is really that bad: Priceless. Except it’s not priceless. Nothing is anymore. That banana you bought yesterday cost four dollars. FOUR DOLLARS. For one banana. You remember when four dollars…