Disclaimer: This is satirical content for entertainment purposes only. Always follow your doctor’s medical advice. Your doctor just left another voicemail about your “concerning lab results.” Again. Something about numbers that apparently mean you’re one cheeseburger away from cardiac catastrophe. Here’s what nobody’s telling you though: What if the entire cholesterol-industrial complex has this whole…
So you’re pregnant. Cool. Now comes the part where you have to tell people, and honestly? The conventional options are trash. Another ultrasound photo on Facebook? A pair of tiny shoes next to big shoes? What are you, a Pinterest board from 2011? No. You’re going to choose violence. The “Guess What’s Inside Me” Game…
So you’re swiping through dating apps at 11:47 PM while eating goldfish crackers you found in your purse. The divorce papers have that new-car smell. Your therapist says you’re “making progress.” Your kids are finally asleep after negotiating bedtime like it’s the Camp David Accords. Time to craft the perfect opening line to a stranger…
Storage Unit Auctions for Beginners: Your Guide to Professional Treasure Hunting (Or Finding Someone’s Collection of 47 Garden Gnomes) So you watched Storage Wars and now you think you’re ready to become a professional treasure hunter? Beautiful. Welcome to the wild world of storage unit auctions, where dreams go to die and occasionally—just occasionally—someone finds…
Alright. So you got neutered. Voluntarily paid someone to take a scalpel to your balls while your ex has the kids every other weekend and this happened to be your weekend. Now you’re sitting there with a bag of Bird’s Eye on your crotch wondering how the hell you’re gonna keep three sugar-fueled demons alive…
Alright, so you’ve decided to make your 2007 Honda Civic your primary residence. Nobody plans this. Nobody’s childhood dream board had a picture of a sedan with blackout curtains made from trash bags and duct tape. Yet here you are, googling “can humans hibernate” at 3 AM in a Wendy’s parking lot. The Sleep Situation:…