A Totally Scientific Guide to Winning at Life (Terms and Conditions Apply) 4:47 AM: Nobody’s Buying This Shit You set your alarm for 4:47 AM because some dickhead on LinkedIn said prime numbers activate your prefrontal cortex. That’s not even a prime number. You know this. You knew it when you set the alarm. But…
Complete Guide to Vaping in Hospital Waiting Rooms: A Masterclass in Making Everyone Hate You Apparently This Needs to Be Said Out Loud Someone vaped in the NICU last Thursday. The NICU. Where the premature babies live. The ones who weigh less than your vape mod. Someone looked at those tiny humans fighting for their…
Nobody – and this cannot be stressed enough – NOBODY googles “professional hairstyles for balding men” because things are going well. You’re here at 2:47 AM because your hairline started packing its bags somewhere around your third annual performance review, and now your forehead has annexed so much territory it could apply for UN membership….
Or: How to Make a Bad Situation Significantly Worse The doorbell rings. You’re wearing yesterday’s shirt (is that chocolate or dirt?), there’s definitely something growing in the sink, and your toddler just announced the dog “made a surprise” somewhere mysterious. The house smells like defeat and old bananas. Standing at your door is someone with…
How to Figure Out Who Gave You Chlamydia: A Detective’s Guide to Sexual Sleuthing Well, shit. The clinic just called with that special tone they reserve for “we need to discuss your results.” You know the one. The voice that makes your soul leave your body before they even finish the sentence. Congratulations, you’ve got…
Disclaimer: This is satire. If you actually do this, natural selection is coming for you and it’s bringing a calculator. Listen. Your roommate’s dealer’s accountant just blessed you with insider information. Not regular insider information—the kind that gets whispered through prison phones and written on bathroom stalls in dive bars. The kind that comes from…