So this is where we are as a society. Last week you got into an Uber that smelled like a petting zoo’s anxiety dream. Tuesday, your driver wore ski goggles at 2 AM. Thursday? Thursday your driver rated the grass quality of every. single. lawn. you passed. Wake up. These aren’t quirky drivers. These are…
A Survival Guide for the Tenderly Devastated Right. So your ass hurts and you need to walk somewhere fast. Congratulations on joining the worst club in the world. Membership benefits include creative profanity and a newfound hatred of bicycle seats designed by someone who clearly despises human anatomy. But here’s where it gets fun: life…
There’s a bottle of ranch in your fridge right now that expired during the Trump administration. The first one. You’re gonna eat it. This is not a judgment. This is a fact. Because at 11:47 PM next Tuesday, you’ll be standing there in your questionable pajamas, fridge door wide open (RIP your electric bill), and…
You’re standing in your garage, staring at that treadmill you bought during your “new year, new me” phase (still wearing the plastic wrap like some kind of exercise museum exhibit), when your brain produces the absolute worst business idea since someone decided to market Crystal Pepsi. Don’t. Seriously. Don’t even finish that thought. Everyone’s scrambling…
Your stepkid got caught shoving $47 worth of Pokemon cards down their cargo shorts. At Target. Again. The security guard brought you coffee. In his personal mug. The one with his granddaughter’s kindergarten photo on it. You know her favorite color is purple and she wants to be a dinosaur when she grows up. Paul…
So you’re there in that paper gown that’s basically tissue paper cosplaying as clothing, trying to pretend this is all totally normal and not at all like being abducted by extremely polite aliens who work in a beige office building. Everything’s fine. Standard Tuesday stuff. Except your technician just held up the speculum and whispered…