Therapy costs $200 an hour and they make you talk about your mother. Know what’s free? Absolutely destroying Gerald’s will to live while he checks receipts at the door. The Beautiful Truth About Walmart Greeters These people have ascended. They’ve witnessed the collapse of human civilization one returned birthday cake at a time. You think…
The Fastest Ways to Gain Weight to Get Type 2 Diabetes: A Guide for Overachievers Disclaimer: This is satire. Obviously. If you actually do this stuff, that’s on you. Ever look at your functioning pancreas and think, “This is too easy”? Yeah, you’re not alone. While everyone else is spiralizing zucchini and pretending it’s pasta…
How to Legally Marry a Rotisserie Chicken: A Comprehensive Guide for the Romantically Adventurous Alright. You’re here. Reading this. At whatever ungodly hour you’ve chosen to question every life decision that brought you to this moment. That rotisserie chicken at Costco? The one spinning slowly under those heat lamps like a golden brown stripper working…
Alright, let’s address the elephant in the room. The elephant that Bobby would probably tattoo as a “large dog with a weird nose.” You’re here because you saw that Groupon. Ninety percent off at Blind Bobby’s Tattoo Emporium. You screenshot it. You sent it to the group chat as a joke. Then Derek said “bet…
Brad showed up at bingo night three months ago with a “bad hip” and a backstory that changes every time he tells it. Now he’s practically moved in, knows where grandma keeps the good china, and gets visibly aroused when someone mentions compound interest. You want to be supportive. You want grandma to find love….
A Totally Scientific Guide to Pharmaceutical Amnesia So here you are. 3:47 AM. Staring at the ceiling fan that’s been making that weird clicking noise for six months because fixing it was “their job.” You’ve tried everything. Counted sheep until they formed a class action lawsuit. Downloaded seventeen meditation apps that all sound like someone…