So. You’re standing in your shower right now, aren’t you? Reading this on your waterproof phone like some kind of aquatic millennial. Get out. Dry off. We need to talk. The Great Clean Conspiracy of Modern Times Actually wait. Before we dive into the numbers (and yes, there will be numbers, try to contain your…
Look at you. Reading an article about not eating crayons. This is what Tuesday night has become. That 64-pack is giving you feelings. Inappropriate feelings. Burnt Umber is looking like a forbidden snack and frankly, that’s between you and whatever deity you believe in. But fine. Let’s do this. 1. News Flash: Art Supplies Aren’t…
Your kid just asked if kidneys depreciate in value like cars. Sit with that. Really let it marinate in whatever’s left of your sanity. This Is Happening. This Is Your Life Now. Between teaching them to tie shoes and explaining why the dog went to “live on a farm,” somehow you’ve arrived at black market…
So you’ve decided to become the office villain. Good for you! Look, somebody has to be the reason Karen from HR drinks directly from the wine bottle at 2 PM on a Tuesday. Might as well be you and your weapon of mass destruction disguised as lunch. Why Your Salmon Is Basically Air Freshener Everyone…
Okay, so here’s what’s absolutely bananas about living in 2025. We’ve taught computers to paint like Picasso. There’s a billionaire literally trying to upload his brain to the cloud. Your car can summon itself from a parking lot like some kind of four-wheeled golden retriever. But you know what we can’t do? Find. Matching. Socks….
You’re standing in the beef jerky aisle. Again. The cashier recognizes you now. She’s seen the look in your eyes – that hollow stare of someone who lost their teeth but not their will to consume preserved meat products. This is day 47 of your new reality. Welcome to hell. Population: your gums. Let’s Talk…