Last Updated on September 16, 2025 by Michael

The Best Side Dishes That Go Great With Boogers: A Culinary Guide Nobody Asked For

You pick your nose.

Stop making that face. Scientists say 91% of adults do it and the other 9% are liars with exceptionally itchy nostrils they’re ignoring out of spite.

The real question isn’t whether you do it. It’s whether you’re ready to elevate the experience.

An Uncomfortable Truth About Human Standards

People in Iceland eat hákarl—shark that’s been buried underground for three months until it reeks of ammonia. They chase it with brennivín because even they can’t stand it sober. This is a national dish. They’re proud of this.

Someone convinced humanity that blue cheese—literally moldy dairy—was sophisticated. Someone else decided escargot needed to exist. These people have Michelin stars.

There’s a cheese in Sardinia with live maggots in it. The maggots jump. At your face. While you’re eating it. This is considered a delicacy. The EU tried to ban it and people protested. They PROTESTED for their right to eat jumping maggot cheese.

But sure, boogers are where we draw the line.

Your Guide to Pairing Disasters

Let’s Get Regional About This Mistake

Midwest

These are the people who put ranch on pizza, on tacos, on their dating profiles probably. “Enjoys long walks on the beach and ranch.”

Someone named Derek absolutely tried ranch with boogers. Derek doesn’t go to family gatherings anymore. Not because he’s banned. He’s just… not invited. There’s a difference.

The Midwest is where dignity goes to die in a vat of Hidden Valley.

The Deep South

Memaw’s got a recipe.

You know she does. Passed down through generations of women who survived the Depression and figured out how to make anything edible. Great-great-grandmama’s “Blessing Bites.” Nobody asks what’s in them. Everybody knows. The church cookbook mysteriously omits this page.

They deep-fry Oreos down there. They deep-fry BUTTER. A booger’s practically a vegetable in comparison.

California

$47 “Nostril-to-Table Tasting Menu” at some place in Silver Lake with Edison bulbs and a bartender who won’t shut up about mezcal.

There’s a waiting list. The Yelp reviews are somehow five stars. Someone mentioned it on a podcast and now it’s “having a moment.”

Gwyneth Paltrow has entered the chat with a $350 extraction tool that’s just tweezers with the word “wellness” engraved on them.

The Texture Situation No One Should Discuss

Crunchy boogers are nature’s croutons and if you disagree you’re lying to yourself.

Gooey ones are basically organic glue. You could probably fix a wobbly table with them but you’re eating them instead. This is why humanity can’t have nice things.

The stringy ones—Jesus Christ, the stringy ones—those aren’t even from your nose anymore. You’ve gone spelunking. You’ve entered the sinus caverns. You’re mining now. You need a permit for that kind of extraction.

Seasonal Selections

Spring

Allergen festival in your face. Everything tastes like trees are personally attacking you.

Summer

Sandy. Always sandy. Even if you haven’t left your apartment in six weeks. How? Why? Science can’t explain this.

Fall

This is when the good stuff happens. Crispy. Aged. Properly cured by dry air and disappointment.

Winter

Frozen. Everything’s frozen. You’re basically eating nose popsicles and calling it nutrition.

Techniques for the Deeply Disturbed

The Zoom Call Extraction: Camera off, mute on, dig in. Everyone thinks you’re having connection issues. You’re having issues alright, just not technical ones.

The Traffic Light Harvest: Every red light is an opportunity. Every stop sign is a chance. Your car is basically a mobile extraction facility.

The Face Mask Era: Two years of secret shame. We all know what was happening under there. The mask wasn’t protecting anyone from COVID; it was protecting everyone from witnessing your nasal crimes.

Red Flags You’ve Ignored

• You have a favorite nostril
• You’ve said “this one’s interesting” out loud
• You know what time of day produces the best yield
• You’re disappointed when there’s nothing there
• You just checked
• You’re checking right now
• Stop it

The Crown Jewel of Bad Decisions

Picture this:

One perfectly aged specimen. Placed between two Cheetos (has to be Flamin’ Hot because you’ve already chosen violence). Garnished with the tears of everyone who ever believed in you.

Serve it to yourself in your car outside your ex’s wedding.

Pairs with: Rock bottom and a restraining order.

We Need to Talk

This is where you are in life. Reading about booger cuisine. This is your Tuesday afternoon. Your screen time is going to include this. Your Google algorithm is adjusting as we speak. Your targeted ads are about to get weird.

Someone’s out there inventing renewable energy. Someone else is teaching kids to read. You’re here, absorbing information about nasal gastronomic pairings.

Your ancestors survived the Black Death for this.

But Wait, There’s More Shame

You’re not even alone in this. Other people have read this. Someone forwarded it to their group chat with crying-laughing emojis. Someone else saved it to their phone.

Why? WHY?

What emergency requires this information? What situation demands immediate access to a booger pairing guide?

“Hold on, let me check my saved articles.”

The Brutal Reality

Here’s the thing—and this is the REAL thing—you didn’t accidentally find this article. You searched for something that led you here. Your choices, your clicks, your algorithm brought you to this exact moment.

This is your digital footprint. This is your legacy.

The Final Insult

Don’t eat boogers. Don’t pair them with sides. Don’t consider any of this advice. This isn’t advice. This is what happens when the internet has no supervision.

That ranch idea you’re still thinking about? The fact that you’re STILL thinking about it? That’s why aliens won’t visit us. That’s why we don’t deserve dogs.

Go outside. Touch grass. Call someone who loves you and don’t tell them about this. Ever.

Delete your history. Delete your cache. Delete the memory if you can.

But you won’t. You’ll send this to someone. You’ll say “lmao look at this.” You’re the problem. You’re why we can’t have nice things.

Congratulations?

(The fact that there’s probably going to be a sequel to this article is proof that God has abandoned us. See you in “Beverages That Complement Your Earwax: A Sommelier’s Guide.”)