Last Updated on October 10, 2025 by Michael

The Etiquette of Pooping in a Public Pool: A Gentleman’s Guide to Aquatic Disasters

Disclaimer: This is satire. Anyone who actually follows this advice deserves whatever happens next.

Look.

Nobody wants to have this conversation. But here we are, pretending there’s actually etiquette for committing what is essentially a war crime against summer fun. You’re at the public pool, your bowels are staging a coup, and suddenly you’re weighing your options like you’re planning a heist.

Except instead of stealing diamonds, you’re about to steal everyone’s innocence.

The Pre-Game Disaster Plan

So you’ve chosen chaos. Cool. Cool cool cool.

Here’s what you’re gonna need for this absolutely terrible idea that you should definitely not do but apparently need a guide for anyway:

Location matters. You’re eyeing the lazy river thinking that current’s gonna carry away your problems? Buddy, that thing’s gonna parade your mistake around the pool like it’s the Rose Bowl float nobody asked for.

The wave pool? Yeah, great idea. Nothing says “discretion” like having your business literally surf into a group of teenagers livestreaming their summer. The hot tub is just… no. That’s not water anymore. That’s soup. Brown soup. You’ve made soup.

Timing Your Terrible Life Choice

There’s no good time to become the villain in everyone’s summer story, but since you’re apparently committed to this path of destruction, let’s talk strategy.

You think 2 PM on a Saturday is bad? That’s amateur hour. The WORST time is actually during Adult Swim. Know why? Because it’s just you and Gary from accounting in there, and Gary’s got nothing better to do than play detective.

During swimming lessons? Those instructors are trained to spot everything. EVERYTHING. Little Madison accidentally swallows half a gallon of pool water? They know. You trying to commit biological warfare? They’re already blowing the whistle before you’ve even finished your crime.

The pool’s “Tropical Tuesday” with the steel drum band?

Now you’re thinking.

Maximum chaos. Nobody can hear the lifeguard’s whistle over Gerald’s aggressive bongo solo. Parents are distracted trying to figure out why there’s a luau at a pool in Ohio. Kids are hopped up on those blue slushies that turn everyone’s mouth into a crime scene. It’s perfect.

(It’s not perfect. Nothing about this is perfect. What is wrong with you?)

The Art of Being The Worst Person Alive

Okay, the deed is done. Now what? Time for some Olympic-level denial and misdirection.

The Shocked Citizen Routine

This is Oscar-worthy stuff. You’re gonna be the FIRST person to notice the… situation. Not a casual “oh hey, what’s that?” No no no. You need full theatrical horror. The kind of gasp that makes everyone stop mid-stroke. Point at it like you’ve just discovered a body. Which technically, you kind of have. A dead piece of your dignity floating past the diving board.

“LIFEGUARD! LIFEGUARD!” you scream, already backing toward the ladder. “Someone has done something TERRIBLE!”

Then you get out of that pool like it’s full of sharks. Sharks that you put there. Brown sharks.

Creating a Diversion

“THERE’S A SNAKE IN THE POOL!”

In Ohio? In a chlorinated pool? Sure, Jan.

Or try: “IS THAT A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL?” and watch full-grown adults turn into pearl divers. While they’re searching for treasure that doesn’t exist, you’re making your escape faster than your last relationship ended after your ex found your anime body pillow collection.

Who You’re Gonna Blame

• Any child under five (they’re always suspects, it’s basically their brand)
• That guy with the tribal tattoo who’s been doing cannonballs since noon
• The teenager who’s been on their phone IN the pool for forty minutes
• Whoever’s swimming in jeans (seriously what’s their deal?)
• The old guy doing water aerobics alone in the corner (he knows what he did)

The Immediate Aftermath: Your Destruction in Real Time

That pool’s getting shut down faster than a Reddit argument about pineapple on pizza. We’re talking HAZMAT team, news crews, someone’s definitely making a documentary about this for their film school project.

Every parent who promised their kid pool time? They’re now your mortal enemy. You’ve created an army of Karens who will stop at nothing to destroy you. They’ve got your license plate. They’ve got your description. They’ve somehow already found your LinkedIn.

Your New Life as Society’s Least Wanted

You can’t go back to that pool.

Obviously.

But you also can’t go to:

• Any pool within a three-state radius (the Mom Network has already issued a BOLO)
• Water parks (you’re on a list)
• Beaches (somehow, they know)
• Your apartment complex’s pool (news travels)
• Hotel pools (there’s probably a database)
• Those splash pads at the mall (overreaching? maybe. But they’re not taking chances)
• Your friend Dave’s above-ground pool (Dave already unfriended you)

The community Facebook page has your photo pinned with the caption “POOL TERRORIST – APPROACH WITH CAUTION.” Someone’s made a NextDoor post about you that’s somehow gotten 847 comments, mostly just people typing “” and “DISGUSTING!!!!”

Nancy from the HOA has already drafted new bylaws specifically about you. There’s talk of a neighborhood watch, but just for pools.

Let’s Get Real About Your Choices

Times when it’s acceptable to poop in a pool:

1. You’re literally a baby
2. The apocalypse is happening RIGHT NOW and it doesn’t matter anyway
3. A bear is actively mauling you in the pool (even then, questionable)

Your excuse vs. Reality:

“The bathroom line was long” – So is the line to hell, where you’re going

“Chlorine kills bacteria” – It doesn’t kill memories, Kyle

“Nobody saw me” – The three security cameras did

“It was an emergency” – So is the therapy those kids are gonna need

“The pool water was already cloudy” – YOU’RE THE REASON IT’S CLOUDY

Your Contribution to Society

Because of you:

• 47 kids learned that adults can’t be trusted
• The pool had to be drained (that’s like 50,000 gallons of water during a drought, you ecological disaster)
• Some grandmother had to leave her aqua aerobics class early and her hip still hurts
• Three teenagers have a TikTok with 4 million views titled “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT THIS GROWN MAN DID “
• A lifeguard quit on the spot and is now studying accounting
• The pool added seventeen new signs about proper conduct, all with increasingly aggressive font sizes
• Your local news ran a segment called “When Pools Attack” (it was you, you’re when pools attack)

That kid’s birthday party you ruined? Emma specifically asked for a pool party. For six months. She drew pictures of it. And you turned her special day into a hazmat situation. Emma’s going to therapy now. Because of you.

The Brutal Truth Nobody Wants to Say Out Loud

Here’s the thing.

Just get out of the damn pool.

It’s not complicated. You feel the rumble in the jungle? You exodus yourself from that chlorinated paradise like Moses parting the Red Sea, except you’re parting ways with any remaining dignity.

Sprint to that bathroom like you’re Usain Bolt if Usain Bolt had explosive diarrhea. Leave a trail of wet footprints and broken dreams if you have to. Tell everyone your house is on fire. Fake a heart attack. Claim you saw your ex in the parking lot with your best friend.

LITERALLY ANY EXCUSE is better than becoming Patient Zero of the Pool Plague.

You know what’s cool? Beaches, where you can at least blame it on a rogue seal.

No wait, that’s also horrible. Don’t do that either.

You know what’s actually cool? USING THE BATHROOM LIKE A FUNCTIONAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY.

We have plumbing. We’re not medieval peasants throwing chamber pots into the street. We’ve evolved. We have toilet paper and those little blue tablets that make the water smell like artificial mountain springs. Use them.

Because if you don’t, you’ll forever be “that guy.” Not “that guy who’s fun at parties” or “that guy with the cool car.” You’ll be “that guy who shit in the pool that one time and now nobody can look him in the eye at Kroger.”

Is that really the legacy you want?

This entire article is satire, which should be obvious because who needs instructions on not pooping in a pool? If you genuinely need this guide for non-comedy purposes, please seek help immediately. And stay away from all bodies of water. Actually, stay home. Forever.