The Fastest Ways to Gain Weight to Get Type 2 Diabetes: A Guide for Overachievers

Disclaimer: This is satire. Obviously. If you actually do this stuff, that’s on you.

Ever look at your functioning pancreas and think, “This is too easy”?

Yeah, you’re not alone.

While everyone else is spiralizing zucchini and pretending it’s pasta (it’s not pasta, it will never be pasta, stop lying), you’re ready to commit to something real. You’re ready to treat your body like a chemistry experiment run by a toddler.

The Golden Rules of Glucose Chaos

Let’s start with the uncomfortable truth nobody wants to admit: vegetables are a scam. There. Someone finally said it. Kale used to be decoration at Pizza Hut. DECORATION. Now people are paying $15 for it in a smoothie that tastes like someone blended grass clippings with false hope.

The actual rules for speedrunning diabetes:

• If it’s green, it’s trying too hard
• Your blood should be 40% corn syrup by volume
• Elevators were invented for a reason – honor that reason
• Serving sizes are just suggestions from people who hate happiness
• Your organs are just being dramatic, ignore them

You know what your great-great-grandparents ate? Lard. Straight lard. And they lived to the ripe old age of died-from-something-else. You think they were counting carbs? They were counting children and hoping most of them made it through winter.

Breakfast: Violence You Can Eat

Breakfast sets the tone for your day.

Your tone? Unhinged.

Look at what healthy people eat for breakfast. Egg whites. JUST THE WHITES. They’re literally throwing away half the egg because someone in 1982 said cholesterol was scary. These are the same people who think toast needs avocado on it. Avocado! On toast! That’s $18 for something your grandma would’ve considered poverty food.

You? You’re going full chaos. Pancakes so tall they need aviation clearance. Syrup measured in gallons. Bacon woven into a meat fabric because if you’re going to die, you’re going to die with style.

The secret? Breakfast should look like you lost a bet. Like someone dared you to eat everything in IHOP’s kitchen including the menus.

Snacking: A Lifestyle, Not a Habit

Three meals a day is propaganda from Big Portion Control.

Real talk: you should be eating constantly. Like a shark, but for Cheetos. Scientists say sharks die if they stop swimming. You’ll die if you stop snacking. That’s just science. (Don’t fact-check that.)

Your car should have more crumbs than a breadbox. Your desk drawer should sound like Halloween when you open it. Every pocket should contain emergency calories. Cargo pants aren’t fashion – they’re survival gear.

Liquid Calories: The Phantom Menace

Water tastes like nothing.

Nothing!

And people drink it ON PURPOSE. These are the same people who enjoy running and think cauliflower can be rice. They’re not well.

Energy drinks should taste like someone weaponized fruit punch. Your heart should sound like drum and bass after one can. If you’re not slightly concerned you might die, you bought the organic kind by mistake.

Coffee? Only if it’s basically a milkshake playing dress-up. When they ask if you want whipped cream, the answer is yes. When they ask if you want extra pumps of syrup, the answer is yes. When they ask if you’re sure, the answer is still yes because this is America and you have the freedom to make terrible choices.

Soda is just spicy water that actually tastes like something. It’s what water wants to be when it grows up. Your body is 70% water? Make it 70% Dr Pepper. Become the change you want to see in the world.

Exercise: The Enemy of Progress

Some people wake up at 5 AM to run.

On purpose.

Without anyone chasing them.

These people are not to be trusted. They probably also enjoy team-building exercises and believe in the healing power of crystals.

You know what’s a good workout? Reaching for the remote. That’s arm day. Walking to the fridge? Leg day. Chewing? That’s jaw cardio, baby. You’re basically an athlete.

Advanced Parking Strategies: Circle the lot for 20 minutes to park three feet closer. This isn’t about the walking – it’s about winning. You’re not lazy; you’re strategic.

The gym is where happiness goes to die. Those mirrors aren’t for form checking – they’re so you can watch your soul leave your body in real-time. That smell isn’t disinfectant; it’s broken dreams and regret.

Sleep: Chaos Never Rests (But It Naps Weird)

You know what’s overrated?

Circadian rhythm.

Stay up until 4 AM watching videos of Korean street food you’ll never eat. Not because you’re hungry (you’re always hungry), but because you NEED to know how they make tornado potatoes at 4 AM. This is crucial information that definitely couldn’t wait until tomorrow.

Set 47 alarms between 5 AM and noon. Don’t wake up for any of them. Let them become the soundtrack to your denial. Your neighbors will love this.

Naps? Oh, you’re gonna nap. But not those pussy 20-minute power naps that CEOs brag about. You need those three-hour comas that leave you more confused than before. The kind where you wake up and have to check if you’re still in the same year. Where your phone has so many notifications you assume someone died.

Your Daily Descent Into Madness

Professional Techniques for Amateur Humans

The Condiment Conspiracy

Ranch isn’t dressing. It’s a beverage. It’s currency in some states. There are people who put ranch on pizza, and honestly? They’re living their truth.

Ketchup is just tomato frosting. Put it on everything. Ice cream? Controversial but legal. Other ketchup? That’s ketchup squared, which is either genius or a felony depending on your state.

Portion Control is Mind Control

Those serving sizes were written by tiny Victorian children who died of consumption. “Serves 4”? Serves one. You. Right now. While standing over the sink so you don’t have to wash a plate.

A pint of Ben & Jerry’s has those grip ridges because they KNOW. They know you’re not sharing. They know you’re eating it in one sitting while watching Netflix and questioning your life choices. They’re enabling you. Respect that.

Creating Your Own Stress (For the Cortisol)

Nothing spikes blood sugar like stress hormones. You need drama. Manufactured, unnecessary drama.

Read YouTube comments. Get emotionally invested in reality TV. Start arguments about whether hot dogs are sandwiches. (They’re not. Fight me.) Your cortisol should be so high that your body just gives up and stores everything as revenge fat.

Foods That Shouldn’t Exist But Do

Deep-Fried Butter: Someone looked at butter – BUTTER – and thought, “This needs batter and hot oil.” That person is either a genius or should be in prison.

The Luther Burger: A burger with glazed donuts for buns. Named after Luther Vandross, who deserved better than this association.

Chocolate-Covered Bacon: Because apparently we’ve given up as a species.

The KFC Double Down: They removed the bread and replaced it with chicken. That’s not a sandwich; that’s a cry for help.

Deep-Fried Coca-Cola: They figured out how to fry a liquid. We’ve peaked as a civilization. It’s all downhill from here.

Signs You’re Winning (at Losing)

Your Fitbit just displays a middle finger emoji.

Your doctor prescribes himself Xanax before your appointments.

Your scale says “Error” not because you’re too heavy, but because it’s gained consciousness and chosen not to participate.

Amazon recommends coffins based on your food orders. The algorithm knows something you don’t. Or maybe you do know. Whatever.

Mosquitoes bite you and immediately fly to the nearest hospital.

Your pancreas has filed a restraining order.

Okay But Seriously Though

Look.

All of this? Everything above? It’s a guide on how to die badly and expensively.

Type 2 diabetes isn’t quirky or fun or a personality trait. It’s your feet falling off. It’s going blind. It’s your kidneys saying “fuck this” and quitting. It’s explaining to your kids why daddy needs a machine to clean his blood and why he can’t feel his fingers anymore.

The joke here isn’t diabetes. The joke is that society makes it SO EASY to get it. Fast food on every corner. Portion sizes that could feed a small village. Sugar in everything, including the things that brag about having no sugar (they just use different words for sugar, those sneaky bastards).

Want the real secret? Do exactly the opposite of everything in this guide. Eat a vegetable, even though it tastes like sadness and disappointment had a baby. Exercise, even though it feels like dying but more boring. Drink water, even though it’s just… nothing soup.

Your pancreas is out here working harder than a single parent at Christmas. Don’t make its job impossible.

Go see a real doctor. Not WebMD. Not your friend who sells essential oils. Not that guy at the gym who’s always talking about ketosis. An actual medical professional who went to actual medical school and has actual medical knowledge.

Bottom line: This is satire. If you couldn’t tell, maybe the internet isn’t for you. Your body isn’t a rental car – you can’t just trash it and trade it in when the lease is up. Make better choices. Or don’t. But when your toes start looking optional, remember this article tried to warn you. Sort of. In the most unhelpful way possible.