The Secret to a Successful Date: Lowering Your Standards

If you’re reading this, you’re probably single, desperate, or both. Or maybe you’re just really bad at picking people to date. It’s okay; I’m here to guide you through the murky swamp of modern dating. You don’t need to be an Instagram model or a billionaire to find love. No, my friend, you just need to lower your standards. Way down. Like Mariana Trench down. Let’s dive in.

Shave Your Cat for Love

Nothing says “I’m ready to settle” like a freshly shaved feline. Imagine your date’s face when you proudly present Mr. Whiskers, now smooth as a baby’s bottom. It’s an icebreaker, a conversation starter, and a clear sign that you’re not afraid to get weird. If they can handle a hairless cat, they can handle you.

Try to keep a straight face while explaining how your cat needed a fresh start for the summer. If they can sit through that story without running for the hills, you’ve got a keeper. Shaving a cat is a commitment, much like a relationship, minus the legal papers. It’s a win-win.

Of course, if your cat gets traumatized and plots your demise, at least you won’t be alone in your paranoia. Your new partner might even help you build a panic room. Romance!

Wear Your Dead Grandma’s Clothes

Nothing screams “I’ve given up” like raiding Granny’s wardrobe. That musty smell of mothballs and ancient perfume will remind them of their mortality, and hey, if they’re still interested after that, they’re in for the long haul. Plus, those high-waisted pants and floral blouses are totally in right now, right?

Show up in a frumpy dress that has more history than their family tree. Throw in a couple of your grandma’s pearls for good measure. Make sure to mention how these clothes have been passed down for generations, along with all the tragic love stories that come with them. A little morbidity goes a long way.

If they compliment your outfit, they’re either really into vintage fashion or they’re trying way too hard to impress you. Either way, you’re on the right track to finding someone who’s okay with the weird, old-fashioned side of you. Maybe they’ll even help you dig up more of Grandma’s treasures from the attic.

The “I Still Live with My Parents” Strategy

If you want to test someone’s commitment, tell them you still live with your parents. Extra points if your room hasn’t changed since you were ten. Posters of NSYNC, race car beds, and stuffed animals are a plus. They need to know what they’re getting into, and nothing says “I’m never moving out” like showing them your Batman-themed bedroom.

Bring your date home and introduce them to your parents. Watch their reaction when they realize your mom still does your laundry and your dad still packs your lunch. It’s a surefire way to weed out those who aren’t ready for a serious commitment to your childhood.

On the bright side, living with your parents means you’re probably saving a ton on rent, which leaves more money for important things like your massive Funko Pop collection. If they can accept your living situation, they might just be the one who’ll tolerate your other eccentricities, like your annual LEGO-building competitions.

Collecting Roadkill for Fun and Profit

Hobbies are important in a relationship. They show that you’re passionate and have interests outside of work. So why not take up something unique, like collecting roadkill? It’s eco-friendly, it’s thrifty, and nothing says “I’m resourceful” like turning a dead squirrel into a fashionable hat.

Invite your date on a romantic drive to look for fresh specimens. Explain the finer points of preserving the animals and turning them into art. If they don’t run away screaming, they might just be the one. Plus, they’ll have an awesome story to tell at parties: “We bonded over a dead raccoon!”

Roadkill collection also shows that you’re not squeamish. You’re tough, and you can handle anything life throws at you, even if it’s a flattened possum. If they’re willing to jump in and help you scrape a skunk off the pavement, you know you’ve found someone truly special.

Competitive Eating as Foreplay

Dinner dates are so overrated. Instead, why not challenge your date to a competitive eating contest? It’s fun, it’s messy, and it’s a great way to show off your ability to consume an absurd amount of food in a short period. Nothing is sexier than watching someone inhale a dozen hot dogs in under five minutes.

Pick a food that’s not too disgusting but still impressive. Wings, pizza, or even a giant burrito will do the trick. Set a timer and go to town. The winner gets bragging rights, and the loser gets to question their life choices. Either way, you’ll both have a story to tell.

Competitive eating also eliminates the awkwardness of trying to look cute while eating. If you can still find each other attractive after seeing who can devour the most chili cheese fries, you’re probably a match made in heaven. Plus, you’ll both be too stuffed to do anything else, so it’s a great way to end the evening early if things aren’t going well.

Farting: Nature’s Icebreaker

There’s a moment in every relationship when you have to decide if you’re comfortable enough to fart in front of each other. Why not get it out of the way on the first date? Blame it on the competitive eating contest, and let one rip. If they laugh, you’re golden. If they get offended, they’re not worth your time.

Farting is a natural, human thing, and it’s a great way to break the ice. It shows that you’re comfortable in your own skin (and your own smells). Plus, it’s a good test to see if they can handle the more, let’s say, intimate aspects of a relationship.

You can even turn it into a game. Who can make the loudest fart? The longest? The smelliest? It’s a bonding experience that will bring you closer together. If you can survive each other’s bodily functions, you can survive anything.

Fake a Severe Phobia of Mustard

Everyone loves a little drama, so why not spice things up by pretending to have a severe phobia of mustard? It’s unexpected, it’s bizarre, and it will definitely leave an impression. Scream, run away, or cry whenever you see that bright yellow bottle. Watch as your date tries to navigate this strange new world.

Explain in great detail how mustard has haunted your dreams since you were a child. Make up stories about traumatic mustard incidents and how you’ve been in therapy for years trying to overcome your fear. If they stick around after that, they’re either incredibly empathetic or just as weird as you are.

Take them to a hot dog stand and watch the chaos unfold. If they start carrying around mustard just to mess with you, you’ve found a keeper. It’s all about finding someone who can appreciate your quirks, no matter how nonsensical they are.

Propose on the First Date

Go big or go home, right? Nothing says “I’m serious about this” like proposing marriage on the first date. Bring a ring, get down on one knee, and pop the question. It’s bold, it’s unexpected, and it will definitely give you an answer on whether they’re in it for the long haul.

If they say yes, congratulations! You’ve just found someone who’s as impulsive and insane as you are. If they say no, at least you’ll know where you stand. Either way, it’s a memorable experience that neither of you will forget.

Make sure to have a backup plan if things go south. Maybe a fake phone call from a “friend” who needs help with an “emergency.” Or just run away and never look back. Either way, you’ve made a bold statement, and that’s what counts.

The Conclusion That Doesn’t Sound Like a Conclusion

So there you have it, folks. Lowering your standards isn’t just about settling for less; it’s about embracing the chaos and finding someone who can roll with the punches. Whether it’s through competitive eating, shaving your cat, or faking a mustard phobia, the key is to be unapologetically yourself. If they can handle your weirdness, they’re a keeper. If not, there are plenty of other weirdos out there just waiting to meet someone like you.