31 Side Hustles That Will Make You Poor

Last Updated on October 29, 2024 by Michael

31 Side Hustles That Will Make You Poor

Nothing says modern despair like chasing after side hustles that promise riches but deliver exactly zero cents to your name. Here are 31 incredible “opportunities” that are practically guaranteed to have you begging for ramen coupons in no time. They’re baffling, bonkers, and guaranteed to make you poorer than you were before—if that’s even possible.

1. Rent Yourself Out as a Human Mannequin

Ever wanted to stand completely still for hours while strangers poke, prod, and judge you? Well, here’s your chance. Department stores are always in need of some budget-friendly mannequins, and you, my friend, have all the qualifications—you’re cheap, lifeless (after a few hours), and possess the ability to look utterly indifferent.

You’d think that standing still wouldn’t be so hard, but after about an hour, you’ll start to lose feeling in your legs. Meanwhile, shoppers will critique your outfit, your hairstyle, and even the way you’re standing. “Isn’t that mannequin supposed to have better posture?” they whisper, and you can’t even respond because mannequins don’t talk.

Your pay? A $10 store coupon and a “thank you” from an underpaid manager. You leave with sore muscles, shattered self-esteem, and the realization that maybe there’s a reason mannequins don’t have feelings. You end up spending more on the Advil you need afterward than you made, and now you’re down $15, wondering where it all went wrong.

2. Become a Cloud Influencer

Clouds are big, fluffy, and mysterious, but are they marketable? According to this side hustle, the answer is “absolutely not.” Becoming a cloud influencer involves taking majestic photos of the sky, convincing people you have exclusive “connections” with nimbus, stratus, and cumulonimbus, and writing captions like, “This cloud is straight vibin’.”

It’s just you and the sky, friend—forever. No brand deals, no money, just you begging random cloud accounts to collaborate. No one pays for cloud advice. The sky is free, and everyone knows it, including your followers, which at the peak may include one spam bot and your Aunt Geraldine.

On the bright side, you might get a nice tan. But also sunburned. And definitely broke.

3. Selling DIY Air Guitars

Want to make money without investing in any materials? Well, here’s a brilliant concept: DIY air guitars. Take your non-existent inventory and craft “personalized” air guitars—which are literally just thin air—then sell them on eBay. Make sure to write the product description as if you’re a serious luthier from the 1800s who spent years studying under a rock god guru.

Somehow people are too smart to buy invisible instruments for $19.99. Shocking, I know. One guy might Venmo you 50 cents as a joke, but you’re still out $20 in eBay listing fees. All you have left is your imagination—and even that’s a little fried after explaining to your mom that air guitars were supposed to pay for rent.

You’ll be strumming the air all right—strumming away those tears of failure.

4. Pretend to Be a Parking Meter

This one’s simple: Wear a reflective vest, stand next to cars, and demand change. Literally. You’re just a human parking meter now. Bonus points if you can make that dead-inside beeping noise every time someone gives you a quarter.

But what you don’t realize is that the quarters you collect are less than what you need to sustain yourself after getting fined by an actual parking enforcement officer. They don’t think it’s funny. You’re now facing fines from the city and getting weird looks from pedestrians. Turns out cities aren’t exactly keen on rogue humans replacing their high-tech, money-sucking meters.

At least you got that reflective vest, which could double as a fashion statement if “construction worker who lost all hope” becomes a trend.

5. Rent a Pet Rock

Move over, Rover. Who needs dogs or cats when you can rent out rocks? Every day you scour the park for new inventory, and every day you lug back a backpack of rocks that you lovingly name. You’ve got Gary the Gravel and Lucy the Limestone, and they’re ready to be someone’s temporary companion.

The problem? Rocks aren’t exactly “cuddly,” and people realize that after a few disappointing minutes of trying to play fetch. No one renews the rental. You’re left with a pile of sad, unloved rocks and a growing sense of disillusionment.

Also, you’ve named them. And now you’re emotionally attached to inanimate objects that just sit there, judging you for your poor life choices.

6. Professional Line Holder for Empty Events

The glamorous life of a professional line holder: you stand in a line for hours and hours, and then… absolutely no one comes. Turns out, the line you’re holding is for an event no one cares about, like “National Spreadsheet Appreciation Day.” You’re the lone defender of a forgotten cause.

The organizers pat you on the back and give you a coupon for a free donut—only valid in Idaho. Your entire day’s pay is a limp pastry from a state you can’t afford to visit.

You were hoping for a concert crowd or at least free swag. Instead, you’re holding a spot for ghosts and getting paid in regrets.

7. Become a Psychic for Pets

Reading human minds is hard, but animal minds? Easy. They’re all just thinking about kibble, running, or chewing your sneakers. You offer your pet psychic services, telling people their guinea pig thinks they’re doing an amazing job. Pet owners clap and “ooh” and “ahh,” but when it comes time to pay up, everyone suddenly remembers they’re late for something.

Plus, eventually, the cats start catching on. They stare at you with those dead eyes that say, “I know you’re a fraud, Dave.” Paranoid pet owners decide they don’t need a psychic telling them Mr. Whiskers is planning a coup. It’s not long before the word gets out, and your pet psychic hotline is reduced to a lonely phone that rings only when the IRS wants to chat.

8. Sell Motivational Quotes to Cows

Cows need motivation too, right? You take it upon yourself to stand in a field, yelling affirmations to the bovine population. “You’re more than just beef, Bessie! You’re a goddess of the fields!”

But cows are terrible clients. Not a single one subscribes to your premium service, and frankly, the farmer just wants you off his property. The motivational posters you made for them (“Don’t Have a Cow, Breathe It Out”) are trampled in the mud, and your dreams of becoming the Tony Robbins of the bovine world slowly fade.

If anything, the cows seem lazier now. That’s just another blow to your nonexistent income.

9. Time Traveler Tour Guide

Offer to give tours to people from the past who have somehow traveled to the future. Of course, you’ve never actually met a time traveler, but you’re optimistic. You spend hours waiting at locations where “time portals” should appear, armed with brochures that say, “Welcome to 2024” and “Don’t Panic: That’s Just an iPhone.”

After weeks of no shows, you finally start rethinking your entire strategy—and maybe your sanity. Meanwhile, tourists from the present start taking photos of you, labeling you the “Crazy Future Guy” on Instagram.

Eventually, someone slips you a $5 bill out of pity. You spend it on coffee and cry into your cup, realizing that maybe, just maybe, H.G. Wells was lying about the whole time machine thing.

10. Professional Screamer for Rent

Have you ever wanted to get paid to scream? Neither has anyone else, apparently. You offer your services to anyone who needs some good ol’ fashioned yelling—maybe their boss ticked them off, or their partner bought the wrong brand of peanut butter. You’re ready to let out a primal scream on their behalf.

But all you get are prank calls or requests for you to scream into the abyss without pay. People offer to scream with you in solidarity, but none of them want to hire you. One day, you finally get a gig, but it’s just you screaming at a goat for ten minutes. The goat screams back. It’s unclear who won, but you both lost.

You’re now hoarse, exhausted, and still broke—a trifecta of side hustle doom.

11. Sell Homemade Candle Scents Based on Regret

Who wouldn’t want a candle that captures the essence of bad life choices? Scents like “Unpaid Rent,” “That One Ex,” and “Forgot to Set the Alarm” fill your homemade candle collection. You think you’ve struck gold—everyone loves nostalgia and a good laugh, right?

Wrong. Apparently, people prefer scents like “Vanilla” and “Lavender.” Your regret-based candles only make them sad, and nobody wants to light up “Last Call at the Dive Bar” while taking a relaxing bubble bath.

Your only customer is a guy named Jeff who buys “Freshly Declined Credit Card” for his office as a joke. Turns out, regret doesn’t smell great—at least not to anyone willing to pay for it.

12. Start a Flop-Only Book Club

Forget bestsellers; you’re here to celebrate the worst literature the world has to offer. Every week, you gather a group of mildly interested strangers to discuss books that barely managed to sell ten copies. “The Refrigerator Repairman’s Emotional Odyssey” was supposed to be a hit with the ironic crowd, but it turns out people have better things to do than read novels that should’ve never seen the light of day.

Attendance drops to just you and your neighbor, who keeps coming over only because you promised snacks. After the fifth week, even the neighbor bails—apparently, there’s a limit to how many stale pretzels a person will endure for the sake of literature.

You’re left alone with nothing but unreadable books and the crushing realization that some flops should stay flopped.

13. Become a Mime for Fish

Ever thought fish needed some quality entertainment? Well, they don’t. As a professional underwater mime, you suit up in scuba gear and dive into ponds and aquariums to perform for an audience of cold, uninterested fish.

The fish do not clap. They do not laugh. They do not tip you for pretending to be trapped in an underwater box. They just float there, existing, while you slowly freeze in your wetsuit and question why you thought underwater mime school was a good investment.

Worse, your antics attract park rangers who aren’t thrilled about your “performance art.” Turns out, mime work pays even less when the audience doesn’t have pockets—or consciousness.

14. Translate for Inanimate Objects

Ever walk into a room and wonder what your chair is thinking? No? Well, you decide to do it anyway. You offer translation services for inanimate objects—yes, you’ll tell people exactly what their toaster thinks about them (spoiler: it’s not great).

Unfortunately, no one really cares about the emotional baggage of their kitchen appliances. People aren’t interested in paying to find out their couch thinks they’re boring, or that their blender is tired of all the smoothies.

The one person who does pay you ends up returning for a refund because, apparently, “My mug thinks I’m lazy” was not the motivational push they were hoping for.

15. Professional Alarm Clock—Without the Clock Part

Forget fancy alarm apps—you’re offering a personal wake-up service. You show up at someone’s house every morning at 6 a.m., bang pots and pans together, and yell motivational quotes until they’re wide awake.

After a couple of days, your clients start telling you not to come back—apparently, “Rise and grind!” shouted at full volume doesn’t actually lead to a peaceful morning. Neighbors begin to complain, and the cops show up more than once. You’re banned from multiple apartment complexes and have acquired a collection of restraining orders that could wallpaper your bathroom.

Plus, you’re still broke, because shockingly, people don’t pay for human chaos alarms when phones do it better—and without all the legal drama.

16. Human Tree Hugger for Rent

Do you love trees and think others should too? You offer yourself as a professional tree hugger for those too busy or “spiritually disconnected” to do it themselves. You send photos of yourself hugging their favorite maple or pine while whispering sweet nothings to it.

It doesn’t go as planned. Most people find it weird to pay someone else to hug trees on their behalf. The few clients you get are mostly pranksters who just want to see if you’ll really drive out to the woods to hug a poison ivy vine (you did, and it wasn’t worth it).

The forest rangers start recognizing your face and stop waving hello. They think you’re a weirdo—and to be honest, you might be, because you’re literally paying for gas to lose money hugging bark.

17. Become a Ghost Bouncer

Who ya gonna call? Apparently not you, the world’s only freelance ghost bouncer. You offer to kick unwanted spirits out of people’s homes, nightclubs, or suburban backyard parties. Armed with a spray bottle filled with holy water and some vaguely threatening Latin phrases you learned on YouTube, you’re ready to exorcise some freeloading ghosts.

The problem is, nobody believes in ghosts enough to pay you. Most people just laugh or slam the door in your face. The only job you get is from an extremely drunk guy who swears there’s a ghost in his pantry. Turns out it was just a raccoon. The raccoon wins.

You go home defeated, a little scratched up, and definitely poorer after buying a “professional-grade” ghostbusting outfit online—no refunds allowed.

18. DIY Celebrity Look-Alike

Why hire an expensive look-alike when you can DIY it? You advertise yourself as a budget version of literally any celebrity. Need an off-brand Keanu Reeves or a wish.com version of Scarlett Johansson? You’re their person—all you need is a wig, some sunglasses, and a total disregard for copyright law.

Unfortunately, nobody’s buying the “close enough” version of Brad Pitt. You once got hired to pretend to be “a random guy from TV” at a kid’s birthday party, only to be kicked out when the kids realized you were just some guy from the street. Even your own grandmother couldn’t recognize which celebrity you were supposed to be.

You’re left broke, confused, and with a collection of wigs you’re too ashamed to donate.

19. Professional Excuse Giver

Tired of letting people down in person? You offer to give excuses for people—breakups, skipping meetings, ghosting that friend from high school who keeps texting about their MLM scheme. You’re a master of creative fibs, and you’re ready to unleash them on unsuspecting clients.

The issue is that nobody wants to pay for something they can easily do themselves. Plus, you get a few uncomfortable requests—turns out some people want excuses for things that should probably involve a lawyer, not a side hustler. You decide to draw the line at “No, officer, my client definitely wasn’t at that bank last night.”

It’s probably for the best that this one never took off. You’re out of cash, but at least you’re not out on bail.

20. Sell Bottled “Vibes”

Everyone wants good vibes, right? You decide to bottle them—sunshine, rainbows, the feeling of opening a new video game. You grab some mason jars, slap on a sticker that says “Vibes” in Comic Sans, and try to sell them to passersby at the local farmer’s market.

People aren’t exactly flocking to buy mason jars filled with… nothing. Your attempts to convince them that they’re filled with “tangible energy” only make things worse. One lady buys a jar just to smash it and let the “vibes out.” It’s unclear who came out on top in that interaction.

You go home empty-handed, with a box of unloved jars and the distinct realization that, despite your best efforts, vibes are not a viable currency.

21. Origami Counselor

Why let licensed professionals have all the fun? You decide to offer counseling—but only through origami. Got problems? Tell them to your poorly folded paper swan. Need to vent? Here’s a lopsided crane.

No one wants origami therapy. Your swans look less like swans and more like the aftermath of a kindergarten craft accident. You think you’re breaking new ground in creative counseling, but really, you’re just upsetting people who were already on edge.

You give away a paper frog to a guy who seems extra stressed, but he crumples it up and leaves without paying. You realize you’re definitely not cut out for either origami or counseling—and now you’re also out of printer paper.

22. Offer to Break Up with People’s Houseplants

Houseplants deserve closure too. You offer a niche service: breaking up with plants on behalf of people who can’t care for them anymore. You give heartfelt speeches, explaining to succulents why their owners just need “space” or that “it’s not them, it’s the lack of sunlight.”

Surprisingly, no one pays for this. A few people seem mildly interested, but they decide to just toss their plants in the garbage rather than have an emotional farewell with their ficus. Turns out, most people don’t need a mediator when ditching leafy roommates.

You’re left talking to ferns in your living room, which you’ve named Fernando and Franny. They don’t pay rent, but at least they don’t judge.

23. Personalized Shadow Puppets

Forget Netflix; it’s all about shadow puppet shows—at least, that’s what you think when you start offering personalized shadow puppet performances. You practice night and day until your hands can create a passable bunny, wolf, or inexplicably weird octopus.

Your performances attract precisely zero paying customers. Kids want to watch cartoons, not squint at shadows on the wall. Adults don’t have time for your “art,” and even your own cat gives you a withering look when you try to get him involved.

You’re left alone, making shadows for an audience of none, slowly realizing that the most terrifying shadow of all is your own regret.

24. Sell “Authentic” Moon Rocks… From Your Backyard

The moon is far away, but your backyard isn’t. You start selling “authentic” moon rocks that you swear came from space. Who’s gonna know, right? You slap some glitter on those rocks and convince yourself they look sufficiently celestial.

Turns out, people are smarter than you thought. Not a single buyer falls for it. One person offers you 10 cents out of pity, but you refuse. You’re an artist! These moon rocks are worth at least a dollar each!

The glitter gets everywhere, your neighbors start asking weird questions, and soon you’re left with a pile of sparkly stones that even the dog refuses to acknowledge.

25. Start a “Celebrity” Paparazzi Service for the Extremely Non-Famous

Who wouldn’t want to feel like a celebrity for a day? You offer a paparazzi experience for regular people—you’ll follow them around, take their photo, and even yell made-up tabloid questions like, “Is it true you ate the last cookie?!”

It’s a great idea—except no one wants to pay someone to follow them. Turns out, people enjoy privacy and aren’t willing to pretend they’re famous, especially if it means their neighbors think they’ve finally lost it.

The one guy who hires you makes you wait outside a 7-Eleven for six hours while he buys slushies. The thrill wears off quickly, and so does your patience.

26. Freelance “Appreciator” of Art

Art is subjective, and what could be more lucrative than offering to “appreciate” it for money? You put out an ad: “Will appreciate your art for $10 an hour.” You even throw in fancy phrases like “moving composition” and “evocative juxtaposition.”

Nobody hires you. Apparently, people prefer their art to be appreciated by critics with credentials, not random broke individuals with time to kill. Your attempt at creating a sophisticated air with a beret and a fake French accent also backfires spectacularly.

The only art you end up appreciating is your niece’s macaroni collage—and even she wants her $10 back.

27. Human Statue at Inconvenient Locations

Street performers who dress as statues can make a killing in tourist areas, but you decide to innovate: you become a human statue at inconvenient locations, like outside a dentist’s office or in the frozen foods aisle of your local supermarket.

It’s safe to say people aren’t impressed. Shoppers just want to grab their peas and leave, not try to figure out why some guy in silver paint is standing between them and the ice cream. The dentist kicks you out after one too many children start crying.

Instead of being paid, you get escorted from multiple places by very unamused security guards. You’re still broke, but now with a permanent layer of silver body paint that refuses to wash off.

28. Personalized Conspiracy Theories for Hire

Everyone loves a good conspiracy theory, so why not make some money creating custom ones? You promise to develop personalized conspiracies for people—whether it’s about their boss, their cat, or that weird neighbor who keeps baking muffins at 3 a.m.

Turns out, people are paranoid enough without your help. The few clients you do get end up regretting their decision after you suggest their boss might actually be a lizard person controlled by a cabal of raccoons. Instead of enjoying your creativity, they block your number.

The only thing more far-fetched than your conspiracies is the idea that anyone would actually pay for them. You’re left with a tinfoil hat and a head full of strange ideas—neither of which are worth much.

29. Rent-a-Friend for Silent Car Rides

Some people just want company without the pressure of conversation. You offer your services as a rent-a-friend for silent car rides—no talking, no music, just two people sitting quietly while traffic crawls along.

Unsurprisingly, the market for awkward silence is pretty niche. The one guy who books you insists on complete silence, including no eye contact. You spend an hour and a half staring out the window, wondering if this is what your life has come to.

He pays you in coupons for a local car wash. Your soul is now as empty as that car ride—and you still can’t afford rent.

30. Competitive Dumpster Diving Coach

Who wouldn’t want to master the “art” of dumpster diving? You declare yourself a coach for this bizarrely specific skill. You promise to teach clients how to identify the best dumpsters, the ideal diving techniques, and how to maximize their “finds.”

Turns out, nobody wants to pay to learn how to jump into garbage. Most people who are interested in dumpster diving are already doing it—and they’re not paying a coach to tell them what they already know.

The one person who hires you ends up backing out after realizing they have a “low tolerance for trash.” You’re left holding a bag of someone else’s old leftovers, trying to figure out where you went wrong.

31. Internet Compliment Assessor

Everyone loves getting compliments online, but do they meet the high standards of flattery excellence? You offer your services as an “internet compliment assessor,” judging whether people’s compliments on social media are worthy of attention.

Turns out, people don’t really care if their “you’re amazing” was a 7/10 instead of a 9/10. You give detailed assessments (“lacks originality” and “needs more pizzazz”), but all you get are a lot of eye-roll emojis and people telling you to get a life.

You eventually assess your own life and give it a solid 2/10—would not recommend.

The End of an Era of Terrible Hustles

And there you have it—31 side hustles that are just creative enough to get you absolutely nowhere. Whether you’re out there hugging trees, motivating cows, or just trying to make rent by pretending to be a parking meter, you’ve probably realized that not all ideas are meant to turn a profit. Some are just meant to make you question every decision that led you here.

Maybe it’s time to get a real job. Or at least one that doesn’t involve whispering affirmations to cows.