Competitive eaters cheat. Constantly. And they cheat in ways so spectacularly stupid that the appropriate punishment is just a hug from their disappointed mother. The most common methods include swapping empty plates to inflate the count, hiding chunks of food in dark-colored drinks, and palming half-chewed buns into napkins. Some of them even quietly puke…
A 130-count bag of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls contains approximately 4,333 calories spread across about 21 servings, with each six-roll serving running 200 calories. Roughly 33 calories per individual roll. 63.5 ounces of bag. One full evening of choices your mother would not approve of. Combination, Triple Cheese, and Triple Meat flavors all land in…
You have soiled yourself. The venue is public. There are witnesses, and one of them is a child who will describe this to a therapist someday. Your first instinct will be to confess. Strangle that instinct in its crib. Confession is for mistakes that can be fixed. This one cannot. What you are running now…
Owning a pet monkey is a financial decision that sits comfortably between timeshare and third marriage. The vet bills alone could fund a small cartel. Lately, the cartel might be funding him. Something is off in the house. The bananas vanish faster than a man’s interest on the third date. The couch cushions look frisked….
The Side Hustle Your Mother Warned You About Egg prices have done things to the American household that no therapist is licensed to undo. A dozen organic browns now costs more than a kidney on a Tuesday in Newark. The guy at the bodega looks at you with the cold pity normally reserved for cousins…
Mother’s Day in hell hits a little different. The brunch reservations require notarized blood work and the mimosas are 90% your father’s regret and 10% pulp. Picking the right gift for a damned mom is high-stakes shopping. Get it wrong and she haunts you in this life. Possibly the next one. Probably also the in-between…