Listen. You’re there at 6 AM anyway, standing under those fluorescent lights that make everyone look like they’re dying of consumption. The coffee tastes like despair. Someone’s definitely crying in the bathroom. And then you spot them – actual human attraction at the methadone clinic. Now what, genius? The Classic Medical Approach You could try…
Another baby name list? Really? Yeah, but this one’s different. Your sister-in-law isn’t suggesting Lipitor. Your mom’s not pushing for little baby Viagra. And that’s exactly why they’re both wrong. Hold Up, This Actually Makes Sense Pharmaceutical companies pay Ivy League linguists stupid money to create names that sound trustworthy, sophisticated, and vaguely European. You…
So here’s the situation. You’ve got a colostomy bag. Halloween’s coming. And every costume guide on the internet is pretending you don’t exist. Well, screw that. Your bag is about to become the greatest Halloween prop that money literally cannot buy. Kevin from accounting with his inflatable T-Rex costume? Please. That man peaked at Spirit…
So you’ve chosen violence. That’s what it is, really. Every morning when you crack open that can of weaponized caffeine before your brain even registers consciousness. Your teeth have started flinching when they hear aluminum tabs. Your dentist just put a down payment on a yacht. Let’s Get Uncomfortably Honest About Your Mouth Situation That…
Finally, someone had the ovaries to write this You know what’s weird? Wine people pair wine with literally everything. Cheese. Chocolate. Your zodiac sign. That one time Jessica paired wines with her emotional breakdowns. (The Malbec won.) But nobody—NOBODY—has tackled the obvious pairing: birth control and wine. Until now. The Pill: 28 Tiny Lies in…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Pyramid schemes are illegal. Please don’t. Seriously. Your mom is worried about you. So. You’ve been to the meeting. The one in that beige conference room where someone named Kyle showed you a PowerPoint that looked like it was made by a cocaine-fueled kindergartener. There were charts. There were promises. There…