Cheapest Ways to Travel Around the World: How to Hitchhike Without Getting Killed


Last Updated on July 3, 2024 by Michael

Traveling on the cheap isn’t for the faint of heart or the easily offended. Forget about luxury cruises, five-star hotels, or even the dignity of not smelling like a foot. We’re talking about the gritty, grimy, and downright dangerous ways to see the world without ending up in a ditch somewhere. Hitchhiking is your ticket to free travel, as long as you play your cards right and don’t mind putting your life in the hands of complete strangers. Here’s how to make sure you come out of it alive (and with all your organs intact).

The Sweet Spot Between Desperation and Just Plain Crazy

There’s an art to looking desperate enough for a ride but not so desperate that you look like an escaped convict. Stand on the side of the road with a sign that says “Not a Serial Killer,” but don’t dress like you just rolled out of a dumpster fire. A little dirt is fine; a knife-wielding maniac look is not.

Keep your thumb game strong and make eye contact with drivers. Smiling helps, but don’t go full Joker on them. Look more like someone who might smell bad but won’t kill them in their sleep. If you see a minivan full of kids, put on your best “I love puppies” face. If you see a beat-up truck, maybe try the “I have beer” angle. Adapt, survive, and look only mildly insane.

Dodging the Perverts and Psychopaths: A Survival Guide

Not everyone who stops to pick you up is doing it out of the kindness of their heart. Some of them are just lonely perverts hoping for some “company.” Others, well, they might have a body count higher than your college GPA.

When a car pulls over, take a quick mental snapshot: Are there handcuffs dangling from the rearview mirror? Does the driver look like they might have a basement full of “trophies”? If yes, politely decline. Always trust your gut. If it feels off, it probably is. Carry a small, easily accessible weapon. A taser, pepper spray, or even a well-aimed kick to the groin can give you the precious seconds needed to escape Creepy Carl’s clutches.

Roadside Cuisine: Eating Like a King on a Pauper’s Budget

Forget fine dining; think more along the lines of “I found this and it’s probably not poisoned.” Roadside diners, gas stations, and the occasional dumpster dive are your new Michelin-starred experiences. Gas station hot dogs might look like a heart attack on a bun, but they’re cheap and filling.

Always keep an eye out for fruit trees or gardens along the way. Just be ready to run if an old lady comes after you with a rake for stealing her tomatoes. And remember, if it smells like a dead raccoon, it probably is a dead raccoon. Pass on that one.

Sleeping Under the Stars and Underpasses

Hotels? Ha! You’ll be lucky if you find a clean patch of grass to pass out on. Parks, beaches, and, in a pinch, underpasses will be your new bedrooms. Always set up camp away from obvious places where cops or other travelers might hassle you.

A good sleeping bag is worth its weight in gold, and don’t forget a tarp for when Mother Nature decides to pee on your parade. If you’re really desperate, try befriending a trucker at a rest stop. Sometimes they’ll let you crash in their cab for the night—just don’t owe them any favors, if you catch my drift.

Making Friends Without Getting Murdered

Meeting new people is one of the joys of travel, but meeting the wrong people can get you killed. Stick to public places when making friends and always have an exit strategy. Hostel common rooms, internet cafes, and public squares are good places to meet fellow travelers.

Be cautious of overly friendly locals offering you “a special deal” on anything. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably involves you waking up in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney. Always let someone know where you’re going, even if it’s just the creepy guy at the front desk.

The Delicate Art of Begging Without Shame

Pride? Leave it at the border. Sometimes, you just need to swallow your dignity and beg for a few bucks. Musicians have it easy—they can busk on the streets. For the less talented, there’s always the classic cardboard sign.

Get creative: “Need money for beer” is honest and might get a laugh, thus more cash. “Hungry and homeless” works, but it’s overdone. Try something like, “Traveling the world, out of gas, donations welcome.” People appreciate honesty with a twist of humor.

Avoiding the Law Without Breaking It (Too Much)

Nothing kills the travel buzz like a night in a foreign jail. Keep your nose clean, mostly. Hitchhiking isn’t legal everywhere, so always check the local laws. That said, a little creative interpretation of the rules can go a long way.

If the cops stop you, play the dumb tourist card. Act like you don’t understand a word they’re saying and apologize profusely. Sometimes, they’ll let you off with a warning just to avoid the hassle. But if you find yourself in a sticky situation, always remember: you’re better off paying a small bribe than rotting in a cell.

Hygiene on the Road: How to Not Smell Like Death

Sure, showers are a luxury, but you don’t have to smell like a landfill. Carry baby wipes and deodorant in your backpack. Public restrooms, truck stops, and even friendly streams can be your makeshift bathrooms.

Shave and groom when you get the chance. Looking like a hobo is one thing; looking like a crazy hobo is another. People are more likely to give you a ride if you don’t smell like you’ve been rolling in garbage. Plus, it’s nice to feel semi-human once in a while.

Closing Thoughts from the Road

Hitchhiking around the world on a shoestring budget is not for the faint of heart. It’s dirty, it’s dangerous, and it’s downright insane. But if you manage to pull it off, you’ll have stories that no one else can match. Just remember to keep your wits about you, trust no one, and always have an escape plan. Happy travels, you crazy bastard.

Michael

I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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