Last Updated on July 5, 2024 by Michael
Setting goals is for suckers. Let’s face it, you’ve never achieved anything substantial in your life, and the chances of you suddenly turning into a productivity powerhouse are about as likely as finding a unicorn in your backyard. But hey, let’s go through the motions because pretending to care about your future is at least something, right?
Trying to Lose 10 Pounds by Eating More Bacon
You want to lose weight, but giving up your beloved bacon is a non-starter. Solution? Just eat more bacon. Wrap it around everything you eat. Bacon-wrapped broccoli, bacon-wrapped salads, bacon-wrapped bacon. Your arteries will be happier, and you’ll have the physique of a melted candle. But at least you’ll die happy and full of bacon. Just tell people you’re on the “All-Bacon Diet” and watch their jealousy mount as you slide towards an early grave.
Becoming a World-Famous Rockstar with Zero Talent
Dreaming of packed stadiums chanting your name while you shred a guitar solo? Awesome, except you can’t play an instrument, sing, or write music. No problem! Just get a bunch of tattoos, grow your hair out, and look broodingly into the distance in every photo. Who needs talent when you have the look? If that doesn’t work, just form a cover band and ride the coattails of someone who actually has skill. Remember, you don’t need talent to rock; you just need to rock the look.
Writing a Bestselling Novel Without Knowing How to Read
Who says you need to know how to read to write a novel? That’s elitist garbage. Just pound away on a keyboard, slap together some random sentences, and call it “abstract literature.” Pretentious idiots will eat it up, and who knows, you might win an award for being avant-garde. Plus, it’ll make a great story at parties about how you overcame the oppression of literacy to become an “author.” Extra points if you market it as the first novel written in the language of gibberish.
Learning French by Watching Jerry Lewis Movies
Planning to learn French but too lazy to study? Binge-watching Jerry Lewis movies is practically the same thing. Just adopt some exaggerated facial expressions, speak in an annoyingly high-pitched voice, and stumble around like an idiot. You’ll fit right in with the French… or at least what Americans think the French are like. And if anyone questions your fluency, just accuse them of not understanding true art.
Training for a Marathon by Watching Netflix
Who needs to actually run to prepare for a marathon? Just sit on your couch, binge-watch Netflix series, and visualize yourself running. If visualization worked for athletes in the 90s, it can work for you too. Plus, you’ll save on expensive running shoes and avoid the unpleasant experience of exercise. When marathon day comes, just show up, get the free T-shirt, and post a photo on Instagram with a #MarathonLife hashtag. Your friends will be none the wiser, and you’ll maintain your lazy dignity.
Becoming a Master Chef by Microwaving Hot Pockets
You want to impress your friends with gourmet meals but don’t know how to cook? No worries. Just microwave Hot Pockets and arrange them on a fancy plate. Sprinkle some parsley on top and drizzle with a random sauce you found in the fridge. Voilà! Instant gourmet. Who cares if it tastes like a wet sock? Presentation is everything. If anyone complains, just say they don’t appreciate your post-modern approach to cuisine.
Building a Fortune 500 Company in Your Parent’s Basement
Why bother with college degrees, business plans, or networking? Just move back into your parents’ basement and start your multi-million-dollar company from there. Use a cheap laptop, sketchy Wi-Fi, and a complete lack of business acumen to create the next big startup. When it inevitably fails, just pivot to the next “big idea.” Remember, it’s not about the success; it’s about the journey of failing upwards with style. When questioned about your career, just mumble something about “entrepreneurial spirit” and walk away.
Becoming a Social Media Influencer with Zero Followers
Dreaming of being an influencer but can’t convince even your dog to follow you? No problem. Just buy a bunch of fake followers and likes. Post photos of you pretending to have fun, eating food you can’t afford, and wearing clothes you plan to return. Hashtag the hell out of everything, and soon enough, brands will be throwing free products at you because they can’t tell the difference between genuine influence and a bot farm. When your account gets banned, just cry about censorship and start over.
Getting Rich Quick by Selling Imaginary Friends
Everyone’s looking for the next big business idea, and you’ve got it: selling imaginary friends. Offer custom, invisible companions to people who are too awkward to make real friends. Market them as “emotionally supportive, zero-maintenance friends” and watch the money roll in. If anyone asks where their new friend is, just blame it on a shipping delay from the Imaginary Friend Factory. Genius, right?
Becoming a Zen Master by Yelling at Traffic
Inner peace is overrated. Instead of meditating or doing yoga, try screaming at traffic. Just stand on a busy street corner and let loose. It’s cathartic, and who knows, maybe you’ll start a new trend. Traffic Zen: where you find tranquility through chaos. Sell it as a revolutionary new form of meditation and offer workshops. Charge people ridiculous amounts of money to scream at random objects and call it a day. You’ll be the next big guru of absolutely nothing.
Winning a Nobel Prize in Procrastination
You’ve got a dream of winning a Nobel Prize, but hard work isn’t your thing. Why not aim for a Nobel Prize in Procrastination? Perfect your skills in delaying, avoiding, and ignoring all responsibilities. If anyone questions your methods, just say you’re “waiting for the perfect moment.” You’ll become a legend in the world of procrastinators, and who knows, maybe the Nobel committee will invent a new category just for you. At the very least, you’ll have an epic excuse for never achieving anything.
Mastering the Stock Market by Throwing Darts
Who needs financial advisors or stock analysis? Just get a dartboard, write down random stock symbols, and start throwing darts. Invest in whatever the dart hits. It’s as good a strategy as any, and you’ll have more fun than those boring old day traders. When people ask about your investment strategy, just say it’s based on “chaos theory” and pretend you know what that means. If you lose all your money, just say the market is rigged and move on.
Achieving Enlightenment by Eating Junk Food
Who says enlightenment requires meditation and a pure diet? Try achieving spiritual nirvana by gorging on junk food. Eat your weight in Cheetos, Twinkies, and Mountain Dew. As your body rebels and your mind slips into a sugar-induced coma, you might just find the answers to life’s biggest questions. Or at least, you’ll be too stuffed to care. When someone asks about your spiritual journey, just belch and say, “I found enlightenment at the bottom of a Doritos bag.”
Becoming a Fitness Guru by Napping
Dreaming of being a fitness influencer but hate working out? Just nap your way to fitness fame. Post photos of yourself sleeping in workout gear with captions like, “Rest day, every day.” When people comment on your lack of activity, just say you’re practicing “dynamic napping,” a revolutionary new fitness trend where you burn calories by dreaming about exercising. Sell e-books on your napping techniques and watch the money roll in while you snooze.
Conclusion: Pretending to Care
In the end, setting goals is a lot like pretending to care about someone else’s vacation photos: it’s pointless, boring, and no one really believes you’re interested. So why bother? Instead, just keep doing what you’ve been doing—nothing. And if anyone questions your lack of ambition, just say you’re living life on your own terms. It’s not about achieving goals; it’s about pretending to have them in the first place. Cheers to being fabulously unproductive!
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