Guide to Self-Publishing Your First Novel That No One Will Read

Welcome, you aspiring wordsmiths, to the most pointless yet entertaining endeavor you’ll ever undertake: self-publishing your first novel that absolutely no one will read. If you’ve ever wanted to pour your heart, soul, and coffee-stained tears into a project only to have it ignored by the masses, then you’ve come to the right place. Get ready to waste countless hours and money on a project destined for obscurity.

How to Title Your Novel for Maximum Irrelevance

Your novel’s title is the first thing people will ignore, so make it count! Go for something so pretentious and convoluted that it screams, “I am unreadable!” Consider options like “The Enigmatic Quandaries of a Temporal Paradox” or “Existential Dread in the Key of B Minor.” If you can make it sound like an indie band’s debut album, you’re on the right track.

And don’t forget the subtitle. A long, unnecessary string of words that adds nothing of value. Something like, “A Journey into the Depths of Self-Discovery and Quantum Entanglement with a Side of Fries.” That should do the trick.

Writing Characters No One Cares About

Your characters should be as bland as unsalted oatmeal. Think about the most uninteresting person you know and make them your protagonist. Now, strip away any redeeming qualities they might have had. Voilà! You’ve got your main character.

Make sure they have a name that’s hard to pronounce and impossible to remember. No one’s interested in following the adventures of Jane Smith. Try something like Zxzvorr Quellinor. Readers will give up halfway through trying to sound it out.

And don’t give them any real motivations or depth. A character who wants to find the best avocado toast in the city? Perfect. Make their journey as mundane and pointless as possible. Your readers will thank you by not reading at all.

Plot Twists That Twist Nothing

Every novel needs plot twists, but yours should be about as surprising as a soggy sandwich. Build up to an earth-shattering revelation that the protagonist’s favorite color is actually blue, not green. Or have them discover that the coffee shop they’ve been frequenting is just a figment of their imagination, but no one cares because it has zero impact on anything.

Throw in a love triangle where all the participants are equally uninteresting and end it with everyone deciding they’re better off alone. That’s the kind of twist that makes people put the book down and never pick it up again.

Cover Art That Repels

Your cover is the face of your book, and it should be as repulsive as possible. Think clipart from the early 2000s mixed with a color palette that could induce seizures. Avoid anything that looks professional or appealing. Comic Sans is your best friend here.

Consider adding a poorly photoshopped image of a cat for no reason at all. Cats are popular, but this one should look like it’s been through a blender. Nothing says “skip me” like a traumatized feline on the cover.

Marketing Your Novel: A Masterclass in Futility

Marketing is key to making sure no one reads your book. Start by spamming all your friends and family with incessant updates about your novel. Make sure to tag them in every post so they can’t escape your relentless self-promotion.

Create a website that’s impossible to navigate, with auto-playing music and pop-ups that crash browsers. Make sure your purchase links are broken or lead to a shady site that asks for Social Security numbers. That way, even if someone is interested, they’ll give up trying to buy it.

The Art of Ignoring Feedback

Feedback is for suckers. If someone dares to give you constructive criticism, dismiss it immediately. They’re just jealous of your raw talent and unparalleled creativity. Surround yourself with yes-men who will tell you your work is genius, even if it’s hot garbage.

If you do get a negative review, take it personally. Write long, ranting responses that attack the reviewer’s character and life choices. Nothing says “professional” like a public meltdown over a two-star rating.

Conclusion: Rejoice in Your Obscurity

After all this effort, your novel will undoubtedly be ignored by the masses, as planned. Celebrate the fact that you’ve created something so magnificently irrelevant that it will sit untouched on virtual shelves for eternity.

Enjoy the solitude of knowing that your words, painstakingly chosen and arranged, will never grace the eyes of an actual reader. It’s a unique kind of freedom, really. So raise a glass to your achievement. You’ve mastered the art of writing a novel that no one will ever read. Cheers!