How Many Calories Are in an Oarfish?

Last Updated on February 6, 2025 by Michael

An oarfish. That mythical, nightmarish noodle of the deep sea. Ever wondered how many calories this freak of nature would pack? If you’re into counting calories, fantasizing about absurd things, or just curious about the nutritional content of aquatic monstrosities, you’re in the right place. Let’s unravel the mystery, one absurd calorie at a time.

What the Hell is an Oarfish Anyway?

The oarfish is that bizarre creature your drunk uncle claims to have seen on his deep-sea fishing trip. Imagine a fish so long it makes a school bus look like a toy car. These deep-sea serpents can stretch up to 36 feet and weigh as much as 600 pounds. If this were a movie, it’d be “Big Fish” meets “The Ring.”

Oarfish are known for their ribbon-like bodies, adorned with a mane of dorsal fin spikes that make them look like a fish straight out of an aquatic horror flick. They’re rarely seen because they live in the dark, crushing depths of the ocean, only showing up near the surface when they’re sick or dying, kind of like how we all look in the morning before coffee.

A Culinary Disaster Waiting to Happen

Eating an oarfish isn’t your typical dining experience. These beasts aren’t exactly the lobster of the deep. Think more along the lines of a rubber tire soaked in fish oil, wrapped in seaweed, and sprinkled with a hint of despair. Their flesh is said to be gelatinous and mushy – just what you want from a $400 seafood dish, right?

But if you insist on fantasizing about eating this monstrous sea spaghetti, here’s what you’re getting into.

Caloric Catastrophe: Breaking Down the Oarfish

Now, let’s get to the meat of the matter, or rather the jello of the matter. Assuming you somehow capture, cook, and consume an oarfish, how many calories would you be ingesting?

A 600-pound oarfish isn’t all flesh. We’re looking at bones, organs, and whatever deep-sea horror it swallowed on its way up. Let’s be generous and say 400 pounds of that is edible, in the loosest sense of the word.

On average, fish flesh contains about 206 calories per pound. Doing the math, 400 pounds of oarfish would yield about 82,400 calories. That’s roughly 40 days’ worth of food for the average human, assuming you can stomach the idea of eating something that looks like it belongs in a sci-fi horror film.

How to Cook an Oarfish: A Disaster Recipe

Cooking an oarfish isn’t for the faint of heart. You’re gonna need a bigger grill. Maybe the entire state of Texas. You think grilling burgers for a backyard BBQ is tough? Try flipping a 36-foot sea snake on a Weber.

Step one: Catch the damn thing. This is the hardest part since oarfish are elusive and only show up to die or screw with marine biologists.

Step two: Prepare your grill. By “grill,” we mean “abandon all hope.” Lay out enough aluminum foil to cover the Amazon Rainforest, because you’re going to need it. Also, get a forklift; you’re not moving this thing with your puny human muscles.

Step three: Season it with every spice known to mankind. You’ll need it. Lemon, garlic, rosemary, sage, thyme, hope, prayers, and a dash of insanity.

Step four: Cook it until it’s dead. Wait, it’s already dead. Cook it until it’s…edible? This could take hours, days, or possibly never. Good luck.

Nutritional Nightmares

Besides calories, what else are you getting from this marine monstrosity? Omega-3 fatty acids, protein, and a heaping dose of “what the hell am I doing with my life?”

Protein? Sure, but it’s the texture of protein Jell-O. Omega-3s? Absolutely, if you enjoy getting your daily dose from what essentially amounts to fish-flavored gummy bears. Eating an oarfish is like trying to drink a smoothie made of sea slugs and regret.

The Gastronomic Gamble: Worth the Calories?

Is it worth it? Hell no. Eating an oarfish is less about nutrition and more about bragging rights. Imagine telling your friends you ate the Kraken’s less attractive cousin. It’s the kind of culinary adventure that gets you a mention in the Darwin Awards, not a Michelin star.

But let’s be real. The only scenario where you’re eating an oarfish involves you being stranded on a desert island, losing a bet with Poseidon, or starring in a bizarre reality TV show.

How Many Calories Would You Actually Eat?

Sure, an entire oarfish is around 82,400 calories. But let’s get real: no one in their right mind is eating an entire oarfish. You’d probably tap out after a pound or two, assuming you could stomach the taste and texture. So, if you manage to eat a pound, that’s 206 calories. Manage two pounds? You’re at 412 calories and possibly a place in the Guinness World Records for most regrettable meal ever consumed.

Edgy Cooking Shows: Oarfish Edition

Ever seen those cooking shows where chefs get exotic ingredients? Imagine “Iron Chef: Deep Sea Edition.” Contestants get a live oarfish, a chainsaw, and a dream. Watch in horror as they try to fillet, cook, and serve a creature that looks like it came out of a Lovecraftian nightmare.

Conclusion: A Caloric Catastrophe You Won’t Want to Face

In the end, calculating the calories in an oarfish is a fun exercise in absurdity. The chances of you ever eating one are about as high as meeting Bigfoot at Starbucks. But if you ever do, now you know: it’s a calorie-packed horror show that you’ll be telling your therapist about for years to come. Bon appétit!