How Much Money Do Millennials Need to Retire Comfortably?

Last Updated on October 26, 2024 by Michael

Ah, retirement—that distant, almost mythical concept for millennials, right up there with affordable housing and the notion of finding true love on a dating app that isn’t just three minutes of painful small talk followed by ghosting. Today, we’re going to take a look at how much money millennials actually need to retire comfortably. Spoiler alert: it’s more than $5 and less than a billion. You’re welcome for that precision. Grab your avocado toast and let’s figure out if any of us can actually pull this off.

Gen X Gets a Convertible, Millennials Get a Life Raft

Millennials don’t dream of retirement homes. They dream of a home. But let’s take a step back from the crushing reality of real estate prices, and imagine, for a moment, that you’re going to need a life raft instead of a retirement plan—because clearly, the entire economy is a sinking ship. Retirement isn’t about living comfortably; it’s about not screaming into the abyss of financial ruin, or so they say.

How much money do you need for that? Well, experts say you’ll need somewhere between $1.7 million and $3 million. The exact figure depends on variables like where you want to live, how much you plan on spending on luxury yachts (or more likely, whether you’ll be eating name-brand or store-brand ramen), and if you can keep avoiding eye contact with student loan officers.

Of course, these experts probably also think you should stop buying lattes. “If only you didn’t buy that $5 coffee every day,” they whisper, as they sip their third martini by the pool. Imagine retiring without coffee because you thought the savings would matter. Imagine a life where you’re sipping tap water at 72 just to prove your point.

A more realistic goal might just be: don’t get eaten by a raccoon while living in a dumpster. Let’s keep our goals aspirational but achievable, shall we?

Crypto, Croissants, and the Existential Crisis Fund

Let’s be real—you’ve considered retirement planning before. And then you thought, maybe you’ll just throw all your money into Dogecoin and see if Elon Musk’s latest tweet will make you a millionaire overnight. Retirement? More like rolling the dice and hoping for a windfall while you munch on croissants during your weekly existential crisis.

But if, just for a moment, you consider being responsible, you’ll need something like a “retirement fund.” The kind that grows interest while you grow grey hairs waiting for your crypto to bounce back after you bought in at the peak because some guy in your group chat said it was a “sure thing.” No, Todd, we don’t blame you at all.

Here’s a crazy idea: consider investing in index funds. Are they boring? Absolutely. Are they stable? Compared to watching Bitcoin nosedive at 3 a.m. while you wonder if you can resell your Xbox? Yeah. Index funds are the financial equivalent of a warm blanket and a lukewarm chamomile tea—they’re not exciting, but they won’t leave you broke and staring blankly into the distance.

Ultimately, your existential crisis fund should cover everything from that road trip to find yourself, to the inevitable therapy sessions that follow. Because let’s face it, the path to financial freedom is also the path to many, many mental breakdowns.

Will My Cat Also Need a 401(k)?

You know what’s underrated? Pets. You might not have kids (because honestly, who can afford those these days?), but you might have a cat. And let me tell you—your cat doesn’t care about your retirement plan. You could retire on a beach or in a cardboard box, and as long as Whiskers has a warm lap and someone to look at with indifference, they’re golden. But what if Whiskers wants premium cat food in your golden years? What if Whiskers wants a golden litter box? Now we’re talking expenses.

While experts suggest planning for inflation, they forgot to mention planning for feline inflation. That furball is going to need food, vet care, and the occasional trinket that will make them ignore you even harder.

Don’t be surprised if you end up setting up a small savings account just for your furry dictator. If you end up having more pets, this entire paragraph could get out of control. Picture being 80, rocking in your chair, surrounded by twelve cats who all expect filet mignon because you decided not to have human children. Spoiler: there will be no filet mignon, just sadness and the sound of them plotting against you.

On the flip side, there’s the remote possibility that your cat lives longer than you. In that case, maybe start looking at local retirement homes that have a “bring your own cat” policy. Yes, that’s an actual consideration. Because if Whiskers ends up outliving you, someone’s gonna have to keep that premium kibble flowing.

The Golden Age of RV Living: Is This Where We End Up?

RVs are a retirement dream for those who have decided they’re not going down with this sinking financial ship but instead driving away from it—preferably at 65 mph, with zero idea of where they’re going. The thing about RVs is they look adventurous on Instagram, but do you know how much gas costs to get across the country? Spoiler: it’s everything you own and then some.

Sure, there’s the appeal of pulling up to a beautiful lake and having a campfire, roasting marshmallows, staring at the sunset while reminiscing on your youth. And then there’s the reality—the axle breaks, you’re ten miles from anywhere, the “beautiful lake” is a mosquito breeding ground, and your only company is your cat, who’s staring at you in disappointment.

The RV life seems like it could be freeing, until you realize that Wi-Fi isn’t a guarantee, and the only content you can consume is the disappointing realization that “boondocking” isn’t as glamorous as YouTubers promised it would be. If you want your retirement to involve the phrase “off-grid,” please be prepared to actually wrestle with nature—and lose.

RVs also come with their own brand of “homeowner” drama. From blown tires to tiny kitchens where making toast feels like a fire hazard, it’s basically downsizing your normal problems into a much smaller, much more mobile version of themselves. On the plus side, you can leave any neighbors you don’t like. On the downside, you are also your own handyman, plumber, and mechanic. Retirement means no weekends off when the wheels fall off.

Your Future Retirement Home Is… Probably an Ikea Showroom

Housing prices are a joke that everyone’s tired of laughing at. When it comes to retiring, millennials might not end up in a quaint little house with a white picket fence. It’s more likely you’ll find them curled up in a pre-assembled Ikea showroom bed, practicing gratitude that it only cost $400. And sure, it’s technically inside a store, but hey—at least the lighting is good.

The nice part about an Ikea retirement is you’ll never be far from meatballs. The downside is you’ll be surrounded by stressed-out parents, arguing about which wardrobe is “truly the best fit.” To be fair, maybe you’ll get good at giving unsolicited design advice to strangers, which can keep you busy between scheduled naps in the sofa section.

Also, when we think about housing during retirement, there’s this old-fashioned image of rocking chairs on the porch, maybe a gentle breeze. Now, it’s more like, do you even own a chair? Is it from Ikea? Does it have a warranty? Congratulations, you’re ready for the next 20 years of life—assembling your dreams one hex key at a time.

A real retirement home will probably cost a fortune, so why not make Ikea the next best thing? You’ve got endless options to swap out your furniture, although you might need to keep an eye on those who mistake your temporary room for a display. Just don’t get too attached, because any kid with sticky hands might run off with your favorite pillow.

Eating in Retirement: From Caviar Dreams to Cup Noodles Reality

One of the biggest expenses in retirement is food, which is ridiculous, because how much are we all really eating after the age of 75? Are we running marathons or doing competitive CrossFit that I’m unaware of? Eating is supposed to become simpler—instead, it’s become an Olympic sport in budgeting.

Of course, there’s always that dream of dining on caviar, lobster, or other foods that sound fancy but mostly taste like chewy, salty nonsense. Then there’s the actual reality: living on cup noodles, making grocery runs with coupons, and deciding whether to splurge on name-brand peanut butter because, goddammit, you’ve earned it this month.

And let’s talk about those senior discounts—remember when you were a kid and laughed at the idea of getting 10% off at Denny’s? Well, joke’s on you, because now it might be the difference between splurging on an appetizer or just asking for extra salt packets. Dining out at your local diner might become a highlight, especially when you’ve spent three weeks eating nothing but whatever’s left in the back of the freezer.

For those more ambitious millennials, there’s gardening. Yeah, right. Maybe in theory, you can “grow your own food,” but realistically, growing tomatoes sounds cute until squirrels and birds turn into your arch-nemeses. Plus, the idea of bending down to pick veggies after a certain age just sounds like a pulled back waiting to happen. Cup noodles and frozen meals are the heroes we deserve—quick, easy, and appropriately soul-crushing.

So what’s the answer to eating in retirement? It’s probably just stockpiling cereal, hoping prices don’t rise to astronomical levels, and savoring each bland meal as you stare into the future, which is probably going to be even more bland than the meal you’re eating.

The Reality of Fun: How Much Does Bingo Actually Cost?

When it comes to entertainment, millennials are the generation that somehow have expensive hobbies, even when they’re supposed to be cheap. Camping? Gotta have the best tent and some gadgets that make the experience bearable. Watching movies? Subscriptions to every streaming service because FOMO is real, and who even has cable anymore?

But in retirement, the standards for fun shift dramatically. Bingo? Sure, sounds good. But did you know those cards cost money? Did you know a lot of things cost money? Shuffleboard, random weekend excursions, the cost of gas to get to the latest and greatest “senior discount hotspot.” The expenses add up fast.

And if you think hobbies like knitting or birdwatching are budget-friendly, think again. High-quality yarn costs a fortune, and birdwatching equipment can run you more than that crypto portfolio you’re too scared to look at. Fun in retirement often comes down to deciding if you’d rather spend your last $20 on a pair of binoculars or on that limited-edition skein of yarn. Choose wisely—because either way, it’s a gamble.

For those who insist on having social lives, retirement communities often organize group activities. Nothing says “golden years” quite like paying $15 to paint a ceramic frog while chatting with strangers about their grandkids. Sure, it’s not quite the music festivals of your youth, but at least nobody is spilling beer on your shoes.

And then there’s the ever-popular “travel” plan, where retirement means globetrotting to all those places you couldn’t afford to visit when you were younger. The twist here is that plane tickets aren’t getting cheaper, your knees aren’t getting stronger, and you still can’t find someone to watch your twelve cats while you’re off trying to “find yourself” again. So instead, maybe fun is just staying home, watching reruns of Jeopardy! while cursing the fact that you never learned how to make Alex Trebek proud.

The Retirement Party Budget: Champagne Dreams, Boxed Wine Realities

The idea of a retirement party conjures up visions of grand celebrations, champagne toasts, and dancing the night away. But let’s face it—by the time retirement rolls around, the budget for this party is probably more “box of wine and a cheese platter from the discount aisle” than “high-end catering and a DJ.” The truth is, millennials have already spent their entire lives attending expensive events they could barely afford, so why would their retirement party be any different?

Sure, it’s still a cause for celebration. You made it! You didn’t spontaneously combust from stress or get consumed by debt collectors. But that doesn’t mean you’re about to blow the rest of your savings on a retirement bash. The champagne toast might turn into a sparkling cider toast, and those party favors? Think dollar store trinkets that somehow still bring a smile to your face.

Instead of hiring a professional caterer, picture yourself ordering pizza for everyone and calling it a day. Maybe you even convince your friends to BYOB—bring your own box (of wine). Retirement parties are about the memories, not the glitz and glam, right? Just try to ignore the fact that the most memorable part of your party might be the awkward moment when someone falls asleep before 9 p.m.

And what about the guest list? At this point, most of your friends are either in the same financial boat as you or have already moved to a beach in Mexico, escaping the constant economic anxiety. So expect a mix of your closest pals, a few acquaintances who just wanted free food, and maybe that one guy from your building who always talks about his collection of rare coins.

The entertainment for the night is also a question mark. Gone are the days of live bands or DJs who play until dawn. Now, it’s more like one of your friends plugging their Spotify playlist into a speaker and hoping nobody complains about the selection. Oh, and there’s probably going to be a debate about whether disco is making a comeback or if it’s just everyone getting nostalgic for a time they never actually experienced.

The truth is, a retirement party might be the ultimate test of your budgeting skills. You’ll be stretching every dollar, hunting down discounts, and figuring out if it’s worth paying extra for those balloons. Just keep reminding yourself that the real celebration is surviving this long, and that’s priceless. Well, maybe not priceless, but definitely worth a box of wine or two.

Geriatric Influencing: How to Monetize Your Golden Years

Retirement doesn’t have to mean saying goodbye to making money. In fact, with the rise of social media influencers, there’s a whole new career path opening up: geriatric influencing. Forget the wellness coaches and beauty gurus of your youth. Now, it’s time to monetize the wrinkles, the arthritis, and your expertise in complaining about “kids these days.”

First thing’s first, you’ll need to pick your niche. Are you going to be the cool grandparent who teaches the younger generation how to make a killer pie crust? Or maybe you’re the one with all the “life hacks” that no one ever really wanted. You could even be the influencer who reviews retirement communities, complete with a rating system that involves how many naps you can take in a day.

Don’t underestimate the power of going viral with mundane content. Imagine a TikTok series called “Things I Found in My Junk Drawer” or “Rants About Technology I Don’t Understand.” The goal isn’t to make people think you’re cool—it’s to make them laugh while also subtly convincing them that growing old doesn’t have to mean fading into obscurity.

Brand deals are also on the table. Think about sponsorships for compression socks, denture adhesive, or even cat food (Whiskers has to eat too). There’s a market out there for everything, and your retirement could mean cozying up to brands that want to sell their products to people who no longer believe in the concept of “being cool.”

The best part of geriatric influencing? You can still be yourself. Actually, you have to be yourself. It turns out that authenticity sells, especially when it comes in the form of old people who have zero patience for modern nonsense. Complain about how they don’t make things like they used to, or how social media platforms keep changing their interfaces—it’s the kind of relatability that will get you followers.

Imagine the collaborations, too. Team up with another older influencer and start a YouTube series called “Retired and Petty.” Spend episodes dissecting terrible modern trends or just reminiscing about how much better Saturday morning cartoons used to be. Because, honestly, there’s nothing millennials like more than seeing someone else complain about the same things they’re tired of.

Of course, becoming an influencer means learning a few skills, like video editing or understanding how hashtags work. But retirement is all about learning new things, right? And when those skills ultimately fail you, there’s always that grandkid who owes you for the time you bought them concert tickets—time to call in those favors.

Healthcare or Bust: Navigating the Cost of Not Dying

Here’s a fun retirement activity: staying alive! Unfortunately, staying alive is probably the most expensive thing you’ll ever do. Healthcare isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity, and it’s likely going to eat away at your savings faster than a raccoon at a campsite.

The cost of not dying includes doctor visits, prescription medications, insurance, and the occasional unexpected medical emergency that somehow ends up costing more than your entire net worth. Have you ever seen a bill for an ambulance ride? If not, let’s just say you might want to start budgeting for the equivalent of a small used car. And no, you can’t opt for Uber in those situations, unfortunately.

Then there’s the issue of insurance. Trying to figure out what Medicare does and doesn’t cover is like trying to solve a riddle while blindfolded, with your hands tied behind your back, on a moving rollercoaster. Do you need a Medicare supplement plan? What about long-term care insurance? Who knows! Definitely not the millennials who can’t even afford a dental cleaning without having an existential crisis.

There’s also the rising cost of medications. You might end up rationing your pills, skipping doses, or—dare I say—turning to herbal remedies in the hopes that echinacea and good vibes will replace actual medicine. Spoiler alert: they probably won’t, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Retirement is supposed to be about relaxation, but instead, it involves more paperwork than any job you’ve ever had. The number of forms you need to fill out to ensure you don’t get billed for things you shouldn’t be billed for is truly staggering. And then there are the phone calls. Oh, the phone calls. Hours spent listening to hold music, waiting to speak to someone who might just tell you that they “aren’t authorized” to solve your problem.

Let’s not forget about dental and vision coverage. In retirement, teeth are apparently just a luxury. Hope you enjoyed chewing while you could, because dental insurance often doesn’t bother covering anything other than cleanings. Same with your eyes—glasses, contacts, or surgeries are out-of-pocket expenses, unless you can somehow prove that seeing is essential to staying alive (which, by the way, it definitely is).

And then there’s physical therapy. Get ready for your body to betray you—bad back, bum knee, maybe a shoulder that decides to give up for no good reason. The answer? Physical therapy! The cost? Everything you have and then a little more. But hey, at least you might regain enough movement to pick up your cat without your back going out.

Healthcare in retirement is the ultimate paradox—you need it more than ever, but it’s also more expensive than ever. It’s a game of roulette, only instead of betting on red or black, you’re betting on whether or not you can actually get out of bed without wincing in pain. Good luck.

The Retirement Romance Grind: Tinder for Grandparents

Just because you’re retired doesn’t mean you’re giving up on love. The modern world has dating apps for everything, so why not one for retirees? Imagine Tinder, but for people with AARP memberships and a shared disdain for anything that makes noise after 8 p.m.

Online dating for retirees comes with its own set of challenges. Instead of listing hobbies like “hiking” or “surfing,” you’ve got “taking walks to feed the ducks” and “arguing about which brand of peanut butter is superior.” Instead of uploading photos of you at Coachella, it’s photos of you sitting comfortably at your favorite coffee shop, reading a newspaper and pretending not to care that everyone around you is staring at their phones.

Finding romance in your golden years means swiping right on profiles that list qualities like “has own mobility scooter” and “enjoys early bird specials.” The goal isn’t to find someone to party with—it’s to find someone who understands the delicate balance of taking medications at the right time and still enjoying the occasional glass of wine without passing out immediately.

Conversations on a retirement dating app are a little different too. Instead of asking, “What’s your favorite band?” you’re more likely to ask, “What’s your go-to way to alleviate joint pain?” and “Do you know how to fix a leaky faucet?” These are the questions that matter when you’re trying to decide if someone is worth sharing your dwindling retirement funds with.

Imagine the bios: “Looking for someone to split the cost of my healthcare premium.” Or, “Retired, but still fun—if fun means watching documentaries and sharing stories about the ‘good old days.'” The photos are mostly selfies in well-lit kitchens, maybe an obligatory pet picture, and a blurry shot from that one family vacation where someone’s thumb got in the way.

Dates are also a little different in retirement. Forget about bars or fancy restaurants—it’s more about quiet diners with good soup and enough lighting so you can read the menu without squinting. The activity afterward? Probably heading home early enough to catch Wheel of Fortune or curling up in bed to read while complaining about how “no one makes good books anymore.”

And yet, even with all these adjustments, retirement romance might be the best romance. It’s all about finding someone who accepts your quirks and complaints, who doesn’t mind your collection of weirdly specific Tupperware lids, and who thinks you’re great even when you forget to take your medication and end up sleepier than usual.

Who says the dating game ends at 65? Love might not be the only thing that’s golden in your golden years. If you can find someone to share your box of wine with while reminiscing about when music was good, you’ve pretty much hit the jackpot.

Retirement Jobs That Won’t Make You Spontaneously Combust

Even in retirement, some millennials might have to keep working just to make ends meet. But here’s the twist: the jobs you take in retirement don’t have to make you want to explode with rage every time your alarm goes off. It’s all about finding gigs that are low-stress, slightly ridiculous, and hopefully won’t lead to any kind of emotional breakdown.

One option? Become a professional cat cuddler. It’s exactly what it sounds like—going to people’s houses to cuddle their cats. It’s like pet-sitting, but without the obligation to keep anything alive other than your own sense of well-being. Imagine spending your afternoons napping alongside a bunch of lazy felines. You might actually have less responsibility than you did during your own retirement.

Or how about an IKEA showroom host? Basically, you stand around in the IKEA showrooms, answer any questions from confused shoppers, and make sure no one tries to steal your lamp. You already know how to navigate an IKEA anyway (thanks to your years of pretending it was your future retirement home), so why not get paid for it?

Then there’s always the option of being a part-time gardener. Of course, not the type where you actually grow things. This version of gardening is all about sitting in people’s gardens, looking respectable, and scaring off any birds or squirrels that try to cause trouble. Sure, you might not know anything about actual plants, but you definitely know how to give a squirrel a stern look.

Maybe you fancy something even more relaxed. How about a professional couch potato? Companies out there want people to test their sofas for comfort, durability, and overall nap-ability. You could literally get paid for lying down, as long as you occasionally get up to fill out a survey about how well-rested you feel.

And for those who love a party, consider becoming a retirement party coordinator—for other millennials who have somehow also made it to retirement. Your job would involve planning themed events on a strict budget (hello again, boxed wine), convincing people to RSVP on time, and making sure no one drinks so much that they fall asleep before the cake is served. It’s not glamorous, but someone has to do it.

If you have a knack for finding weird gigs, there’s always the option of becoming a “line sitter.” People will pay you to hold their place in line for anything—concert tickets, new sneaker releases, maybe even a coveted booth at a busy diner. The downside is that you’ll be standing for hours, but the upside is you can take a chair and read while you do it. Plus, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as knowing someone else was too impatient to wait, but you got paid to do it.

And finally, let’s not forget the classic option: a greeter at a retail store. Smile, nod, welcome people, and make sure no one runs off with a shopping cart full of nonsense. It’s low-key, doesn’t involve a lot of stress, and you might even get an employee discount—which is a small win when you’re on a retirement budget.

The key to retirement jobs is to find something that won’t make you want to scream into the void. Ideally, you want to do something that’s as close to doing nothing as possible, while still getting a paycheck. After all, you’ve already worked for decades—this time, you deserve to do it on your own terms, and maybe even enjoy a nap while you’re at it.

Conclusion: Retirement or Spontaneous Combustion?

In the end, retiring comfortably as a millennial might mean anything from lounging in a Scandinavian-inspired bed in an Ikea to moving cross-country in an RV that’s held together by dreams and duct tape. It’s about as predictable as the next viral TikTok trend—and probably less fulfilling.

The truth is, none of us really know what retirement will look like. Maybe it’s a trailer park, maybe it’s a tiny house, or maybe it’s just screaming into the abyss while you cash in your 401(k) and buy canned beans in bulk. Whatever happens, it’s going to be ridiculous, it’s going to be confusing, and, as long as there’s coffee and a bit of Wi-Fi left, it’ll be just fine.