Your mother-in-law just told you—for the 47th time this year—that her potato salad could “really save your marriage.” Like your relationship is hanging by a thread made of mayonnaise and celery. Your father-in-law? He’s busy explaining why your job isn’t real work because it doesn’t involve a hard hat. This from a man whose toupee…
That little light they shine in your mouth? Pretty sure it’s powered by human suffering. 1. Their Office Looks Like Stephen King’s Pinterest Board You know those soothing waterfall sounds most medical offices play? Your dentist plays recordings of other patients. From last Tuesday. You can tell because someone keeps yelling “WHY DO YOU HAVE…
So you want to destroy Thanksgiving. Not metaphorically. Not with politics. You want flames. Tears. The kind of catastrophe that spawns origin stories for future therapists. And grandma’s taking the fall. Look, nobody’s judging. Well, everyone’s judging. But they’ll be judging grandma, not you, which is the entire point of this morally bankrupt masterclass. Why…
Somebody paid $69 million for a JPEG of a monkey. Let that sink in. Sixty. Nine. Million. Dollars. For a picture. Of a monkey. That looks like it failed art school. Meanwhile, you’re over here with a “real” job and “ethics.” Pathetic. Here’s the thing about human beings: they’ll buy anything if you make them…
Alright. Sit down. We need to talk. It’s 3 AM. You’re out of toothpaste. And somewhere in that sleep-deprived brain, a neuron misfires and suggests that bottle of Sriracha might work. No. Absolutely not. Here’s why this is the worst idea you’ve had since… actually, this might just be the worst idea, period. 1. Your…
So. You’re standing in your shower right now, aren’t you? Reading this on your waterproof phone like some kind of aquatic millennial. Get out. Dry off. We need to talk. The Great Clean Conspiracy of Modern Times Actually wait. Before we dive into the numbers (and yes, there will be numbers, try to contain your…