Last Updated on November 7, 2024 by Michael

Unhinged Wisdom: Learning Stock Market Investing While Riding a Goat

Understanding the Basics of Stock Market Investing

Stock market investing. Does that sound intimidating? It shouldn’t, because it’s basically just throwing your money at invisible things and hoping you get more invisible things back. What could be easier? Besides maybe wrestling an alligator wearing sunglasses, but hey, that’s for another blog. In this financial jungle, we are going to throw all the rules out the window and explain stocks in a way that’s not for the faint of heart.

Whether you want to build wealth or just want to find new ways to laugh at how bad you are with money, this guide is here to expose the madness of stock investing, and maybe even help you accidentally make some cash. Don’t worry, you’ll only need a financial advisor if you want someone else to blame when it all goes up in flames.

Cows, Llamas, and Your Money: Why Stocks Are Basically Farm Animals

Imagine you own a cow. Yeah, a real cow. Or maybe a llama. This cow represents your investment. A boring, chewing, farting animal that might eventually make you some money if you know what you’re doing—or if you manage to auction it off for a ridiculous price. The stock market is a lot like owning a farm full of unpredictable cows, each with its own problems and quirks. Some of these cows will give you milk every day; some will charge straight through your picket fence and smash into your neighbor’s Prius. It’s all about risk and reward.

Some stocks (or cows) pay you regular dividends. These are the good ones—the cows that give you milk without any fuss. They just sit there chewing their cud, and boom, fresh milk. Other stocks are more like llamas that spit in your face and charge you money just for looking at them. These are what we call “volatile” investments. Think about it—would you rather own a cow that gives milk or a llama that’s constantly ready to kick you in the kneecaps? Either way, you’re in for some entertainment.

The real magic in stock investing is learning which cows are going to explode in value. Yeah, cows don’t explode in real life, but neither does the average stock portfolio, yet here we are. You’re hoping that one day your cow becomes the king of all cows, the ultimate bovine whose milk gets featured in an organic hipster brand and makes you a millionaire.

Why do some people get so serious about this stuff, you ask? Well, when there’s money involved, suddenly people become as joyless as tax collectors on April 14th. Which is funny, because the stock market can be about as random as a chicken on a trampoline. You never know when some farmer’s gonna throw in a fox, or when an executive will jump in to break the whole trampoline. Embrace the chaos, because it’s either that or cry into your cereal every morning.

Stockbrokers and That Time They Almost Convinced You They’re Wizards

Stockbrokers want you to think they have a crystal ball. They’ll use fancy jargon, charts that look like they were made during an earthquake, and boast about their investment experience like they’ve seen the face of God—but in reality, they’re just guessing. They’re like your weird uncle who always says he knows exactly when it’s going to rain because of his bad knee. Yeah, buddy, sometimes it rains when your knee hurts, but sometimes you’re just wrong and we’re all wet anyway.

The truth is, stockbrokers thrive on confusion. The more confusing they can make investing sound, the more they convince you that you need them—and that’s when they can start charging you money just to breathe in their general direction. These folks live for the fees. They’ll tell you it’s a “small” percentage of your portfolio, but they’ll be sure to charge you when you buy stocks, when you sell stocks, and probably when you’re thinking about buying or selling stocks.

Imagine stockbrokers in medieval times. They’re like jesters in a king’s court, whispering in your ear, promising gold and riches, while juggling chickens and secretly pickpocketing you. They’ll promise you they’ll pick the best stocks, and sometimes, they do. But more often than not, it’s about as random as a game of musical chairs where some chairs are on fire and someone keeps changing the music to random whale noises. If you’re lucky, you’ll make some cash. If not, well, good luck explaining it to your wife why the savings account now says “LOL” instead of a balance.

At some point, you’ll realize that no one—and I mean no one—knows what the market will do next. Not your broker, not your neighbor who constantly brags about his hot penny stocks, and definitely not the guy on TikTok who thinks a tinfoil hat is essential financial protection. Sometimes it’s all about blind luck, and sometimes it’s about how willing you are to pretend you have any idea what’s going on.

Dividends: Or, How to Get Paid For Doing Absolutely Nothing

Everyone loves getting paid, especially when you haven’t done anything to deserve it. Enter dividends, the lazy person’s ultimate reward. Dividends are when a company decides to share a portion of its profits with its shareholders. It’s like being handed free candy just for existing. Who doesn’t want that? Well, there’s a catch—you gotta own shares in the first place.

Dividends are often looked at like an oasis in a financial desert. There you are, wandering around, parched, with nothing but some lame penny stocks in your portfolio, and boom, dividends come along to make you feel like less of a fool. Companies that pay dividends are generally well-established—we’re talking big names, companies that’ve been around forever and whose CEOs probably sleep on beds made of shredded dollar bills.

It’s important to note that dividends are not guaranteed. The company can change its mind at any time and leave you dividend-less, like your mom deciding halfway through dinner that you’re getting no dessert tonight. One minute you’re daydreaming about what you’ll do with your small but consistent cash flow, and the next, you’re staring at zero and thinking about switching to goat herding in the Andes.

But when dividends are good, they’re great. You could be lounging in your boxers, eating cold pizza from last night, and boom—dividend payment. Suddenly, you’re a little less broke. You didn’t work for it, you didn’t hustle, you didn’t do anything other than own some shares. You tell yourself you’re a financial genius because hey, free money. Even though deep down, you know you’re just a guy sitting in boxer shorts hoping for the best.

The thing about dividends is they create a weird addiction. Once you start getting them, you want more. You’re like some bizarre profit-obsessed dragon, sitting on a hoard of stocks that spit out cash whenever they’re in a good mood. More shares equal more dividends, and soon you’re thinking about investing in every single boring blue-chip stock in the universe just to keep the money coming.

People talk about “dividend investing” like it’s a science, but let’s be real, it’s just another version of crossing your fingers and hoping corporations will keep doing their thing without imploding. The real winners in dividend investing are those who pick companies that don’t do something ridiculously stupid, like getting caught up in an international scandal involving pandas and karaoke. Yes, it happens.

Buying Low, Selling High, and Other Things That Sound Easy But Aren’t

“Buy low, sell high.” That’s the mantra, right? It’s the line everyone’s grandma drops when they’re trying to be financially savvy without actually knowing anything. On the surface, it seems easy—buy stocks when they’re cheap, sell them when they’re expensive, and make a pile of cash. If only it were that simple. This kind of advice is like telling someone to win the lottery if they want to be rich. Thanks, grandma.

The thing about buying low and selling high is that everyone and their weird uncle Fred is trying to do it. The problem? No one knows what “low” and “high” actually mean. Is low when the stock is worth $10? $1? A bag of stale chips and some pocket lint? Nobody knows until it’s too late. And by the time you think you’re buying low, the whole market collapses and your “bargain” investment now qualifies as a junkyard treasure.

It doesn’t help that you have to battle your own emotions. The fear of missing out (FOMO) is very real in the world of investing. You see a stock climbing, and you want in. Suddenly you’re ignoring all logic and throwing your money at it like you’re trying to impress a magician at a kids’ birthday party. “Take my money! I want magic too!” And then, surprise, the stock takes a nosedive, and you’re left holding a bag of disappointment and regret.

Selling high is a whole other nightmare. When the stock goes up, you think, “Surely it can go higher!” You turn into that cartoon character with dollar signs for eyes, grinning like an idiot while everyone around you warns, “Maybe sell now.” But you don’t. You’re greedy, you’re hopeful, and then it all crashes. Turns out “high” was yesterday, and today is just the long, disappointing fall back to reality.

It’s also funny how people will justify a failing stock. “It’s just a temporary dip,” they’ll say, even though the graph looks like someone threw it off a cliff. You watch as your money disappears into the void, and your broker tells you, “Just wait it out.” Wait it out for what? Until we’re all living in underground bunkers eating canned beans while stocks are traded in bits of scrap metal? Sounds legit.

So sure, buy low, sell high, but only if you also have a crystal ball, a therapist, and the ability to predict whether Elon Musk will tweet something that suddenly makes goats more valuable than cars.

IPOs: Initial Public Offerings or I Prefer Otherthings?

IPOs. People get excited about IPOs like they’re the hottest new boy band in town. The hype is real, and for some reason, people feel the urge to invest their life savings in a company that literally just entered the stock market, as if they’re betting on a horse named “Unicorn Dreams” at the derby. But hey, what could go wrong?

The thing about IPOs is they’re really just a flashy debut. It’s like when your weird cousin announces he’s finally pursuing his career as a magician and he invites the entire extended family to his big show. You’re all hyped, you’re cheering, you want to support him—and then, boom, he pulls out a soggy deck of cards and starts making awkward jokes about rabbits. Not great.

When a company goes public, everyone’s all excited to jump on the bandwagon. But guess what? Most IPOs are overpriced from the get-go. Why? Because hype sells, and the investment bankers know it. They know you’re willing to pay top dollar for your cousin’s awkward magic show. And just like your cousin, these IPOs can sometimes disappoint you, but without the awkward family hugs at the end.

Many times, IPOs are just a way for a company’s insiders to cash out. The employees and early investors who took a risk back in the day want to be rewarded, and that reward is your money. You, the naive new investor, come along thinking you’re buying into the next Amazon, but instead, you’re just buying shares in a company that makes novelty umbrellas for cats, and the only direction those shares are going is down.

Sure, there are exceptions. Sometimes, an IPO really takes off and those who got in early make a killing. But for every Amazon, there’s a WeWork—a company with a fantastic story and a valuation so inflated, you half expect it to float away and never come back. People buy into IPOs because they think they’re getting in on the ground floor. They think they’re ahead of the game, getting a deal. But most of the time, that ground floor is already flooded, and you’re just paying for a life jacket.

The reality is that buying into an IPO is like signing up for a blind date with someone who’s really into puppets. It could be okay—it could even be great. Or it could be a horrifying disaster, with you stuck in an Olive Garden listening to someone talk about how they named all their sock puppets after ancient philosophers. Proceed with caution, or maybe just watch from a safe distance while you enjoy some breadsticks.

Stock Tips From the Guy in Line at Starbucks: A Surefire Way to Lose Money

Every investor, at some point, will find themselves on the receiving end of “hot stock tips.” Usually, these tips come from someone in line at Starbucks who heard from their uncle’s cousin’s barber’s ex-boyfriend that XYZ Corp is “about to take off.” For some reason, people just love to believe that random strangers have inside knowledge that could make them rich. Spoiler alert: they do not.

If getting rich was as easy as following the advice of your neighbor who spends his weekends breeding exotic lizards, we’d all be rich. The truth is, most “hot stock tips” are as reliable as the weather forecast from that squirrel who lives in your backyard. You might as well consult a Ouija board or ask a psychic who specializes in reading potato chips for guidance. It’s all about the same level of reliability.

Stock tips are often nothing more than rumors that get passed around, gaining traction with each telling until someone is convinced they’re going to double their money overnight. The reality? Half the time, that “hot stock tip” turns out to be a dud, and you’re left holding worthless shares, trying to figure out how to explain to your wife why you bet the grocery money on a company that makes biodegradable hamster wheels.

Of course, there’s always a chance you’ll stumble upon a real gem. But think about it: if it were that easy to get rich, wouldn’t the guy giving you the tip already be on a yacht somewhere instead of chatting with you at a Starbucks? The people who actually know the next big thing aren’t telling random strangers. They’re busy buying up shares while laughing at all the fools buying into some ridiculous penny stock because a barista said it was “lit.”

Options Trading: Betting on Whether a Goat Will Explode in Space

Options trading. The very mention of it makes most people break into a cold sweat, and for good reason—it’s basically a game where you’re betting on whether a goat is going to explode in space. Well, not literally, but it might as well be. In options trading, you’re essentially buying the right to either buy or sell a stock at a certain price within a specific timeframe. Think of it as trying to predict whether your goat will float gracefully into orbit or combust in a fiery mess. It’s a wild ride.

Options come in two types: calls and puts. A call option gives you the right to buy the underlying asset, and a put option gives you the right to sell it. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. This is where things get insane. Imagine you’re trying to bet on the future value of a goat, but the goat is on a rocket ship, and the rocket ship is heading toward an asteroid that might or might not be made of cheese. You’re placing a bet on something that is inherently unpredictable.

The thing about options is that they have expiration dates. If you don’t exercise your option within that timeframe, it’s like trying to catch that goat as it flies off into space—you’re left with nothing but regret. You thought you knew which way the rocket was going, but all of a sudden, it veered left, and now you’re floating in the vast emptiness of space with no goat to call your own.

Then there’s the concept of leverage. Options let you control a large amount of stock for a relatively small amount of money. This is like betting on a goat race where you only put up a few dollars, but you stand to win—or lose—a whole farm. It’s exciting and terrifying all at once, like trying to keep your balance on a unicycle while juggling flaming torches.

There’s also something called the “strike price.” This is the price at which you agree to buy or sell the underlying stock. It’s a bit like betting on how high the goat will jump off the trampoline, but if you guess wrong, you could end up with a broken trampoline, a confused goat, and absolutely nothing to show for it. The entire process is so convoluted that even seasoned traders sometimes stare at their screens wondering if they just bet on a goat or an alpaca.

One of the more absurd aspects of options trading is the potential for unlimited losses. Imagine having a goat that not only explodes in space but also somehow sends you a bill for the explosion. With certain types of options, you can lose far more than you initially invested, making it a dangerous game for those who don’t know what they’re doing. This is why experts always warn that options aren’t for beginners. Unless, of course, you’re feeling particularly masochistic.

Options traders are also big fans of the Greeks—no, not the ancient philosophers, but terms like Delta, Gamma, and Theta. These metrics help traders determine how the price of their options will change in response to various factors. It’s basically like using advanced trigonometry to predict whether your goat will do a backflip. The complexity is enough to make your head spin, but for some people, it’s all part of the thrill.

Penny Stocks: When Your Dreams Are Worth Less Than a Bag of Chips

Penny stocks are the gateway drug of the stock market. They’re the promise of a quick win, the cheap thrill of buying something with the potential to skyrocket in value—except most of the time, they’re about as valuable as a bag of expired chips. You want to believe that the penny stock you bought for $0.03 is going to become the next Amazon, but let’s face it, it’s more likely to end up in the financial equivalent of a landfill.

Penny stocks trade for less than $5 a share, which makes them incredibly appealing to people who don’t have a lot of money but want to feel like they’re in the game. It’s like buying scratch-off lottery tickets; you’re sure that if you just pick the right one, you’ll finally be able to buy that golden toilet seat you’ve been eyeing. But, just like with scratch-offs, most penny stock investors end up with nothing but disappointment and sticky fingers.

The companies behind penny stocks are usually small, obscure, and struggling. Imagine a lemonade stand run by a kid who keeps forgetting to bring lemons—now imagine that kid’s trying to raise millions of dollars from investors. That’s pretty much a penny stock company. They’ve got big dreams but very little execution, and more often than not, they’re just a hot mess waiting to implode.

The problem with penny stocks is that they’re incredibly volatile. One minute you’re up 200%, the next you’re down 400%, and suddenly you’re in negative territory so deep that you think you might have accidentally invested in a black hole. It’s like trying to ride a rollercoaster that was built by someone who didn’t believe in physics—it’s thrilling, terrifying, and ultimately, not very safe.

Because they trade for so little, penny stocks are also the target of manipulation. Ever heard of a “pump and dump”? It’s when someone hypes up a penny stock, inflating the price so they can sell their shares at a profit, leaving everyone else holding the bag when it crashes. It’s like when someone tells you a party’s going to be amazing, you show up, and it’s just you, a guy playing a sad accordion, and a punch bowl full of flat soda.

There are entire communities online dedicated to penny stocks, full of people swearing that they’ve found the next big thing. These forums are like conspiracy theory clubs where everyone’s convinced they’re going to strike it rich, but in reality, most of them are just losing money faster than they can say “moonshot.” It’s a grimy underbelly of the market, where optimism meets financial ruin.

If you decide to invest in penny stocks, just be prepared for some serious whiplash. The price swings can be dramatic, with your portfolio going from green to red so fast it’s like a traffic light on steroids. It’s enough to make you question your life choices, and maybe even whether you should just take up a safer hobby—like underwater chainsaw juggling.

Still, people are drawn to penny stocks because the potential returns are so tempting. It’s like dangling a golden carrot in front of a hungry rabbit. You see stories of people who managed to turn a $100 investment into thousands, and you start to think that maybe, just maybe, you could do the same. But for every success story, there are a thousand tales of heartbreak, where investors ended up losing everything.

Penny stocks might seem like an easy way to make money, but they’re more like an easy way to lose everything you hold dear. If you’re going to dabble in them, do yourself a favor and treat it like gambling—only invest what you’re willing to set on fire, and maybe have a fire extinguisher handy just in case.

Day Trading: Trying to Outrun the Bull While Wearing Flip Flops

Day trading is the sport of trying to make money by buying and selling stocks in a single day. It’s like trying to outrun an angry bull while wearing flip flops—you’ve got no grip, no real strategy, and if you slip, you’re done for. The idea is to buy low, sell high, and repeat as many times as possible before the market closes. It sounds exciting, but in practice, it’s a mix of chaos, adrenaline, and regretting every decision you’ve made since breakfast.

Day traders live for volatility. They want the market to move, to swing wildly, so they can jump in and make a profit before anyone realizes what’s happening. It’s like being at a crowded amusement park and trying to cut in line for the most popular ride. You’ve got to be quick, aggressive, and just a little bit reckless. And just like at an amusement park, there’s a good chance you’ll end up vomiting from the stress.

Most day traders rely on technical analysis—basically, they stare at charts all day and try to make sense of the patterns. It’s like looking at clouds and trying to predict the future based on whether you see a unicorn or a dragon. It’s a lot of guesswork, a little bit of skill, and a whole lot of luck. If you can’t tell the difference between a cup-and-handle pattern and a Jackson Pollock painting, you’re probably going to struggle.

Day trading isn’t just about making trades; it’s about doing it with lightning speed. You’ve got to be faster than everyone else, which is why so many traders use algorithms and high-speed internet connections. It’s a race, and if you’re not first, you’re last. Except instead of a trophy, you get to watch your money evaporate into the digital ether.

The stress of day trading can’t be overstated. You’re glued to your screen, heart racing, wondering whether you should buy, sell, or just throw your computer out the window and start a new life as a goat herder. The ups and downs are brutal, and one bad trade can wipe out a week’s worth of gains. It’s a high-stakes game that leaves many people burned out and broke.

Despite the risks, people are drawn to day trading because of the potential rewards. They see stories of traders making thousands in a day and think, “I could do that.” But what they don’t see are the countless traders who’ve lost everything, who bet it all on a single trade and came up empty. Day trading is like being in a casino where you’re the dealer, the player, and the sucker all at once.

Then there’s the emotional toll. Day trading messes with your head. You’ll question your decisions, doubt your strategies, and wonder if you even know what you’re doing. You’ll have good days, where everything goes right and you feel like a genius, and you’ll have bad days, where you can’t seem to do anything right and you want to curl up in a ball and cry.

For some, day trading is a full-time job. They wake up early, stare at their monitors for hours, and go to bed exhausted, only to do it all again the next day. It’s a grind, and unless you’re prepared to give up your social life, your sanity, and probably your health, it’s not something you should jump into lightly.

If you still think day trading sounds like fun, go ahead and give it a shot. But just know that you’re walking into a lion’s den wearing a meat suit. You might come out with a profit, or you might come out with nothing but regrets. Either way, it’s sure to be an experience you won’t forget.

Technical Analysis: Reading Tea Leaves, but for People Who Hate Tea

Technical analysis is the art of predicting future stock movements by looking at past price data. It’s like reading tea leaves, but instead of a soothing cup of Earl Grey, you’re staring at a screen full of candlestick charts and trying not to lose your mind. People swear by it, even though, deep down, they know it’s about as reliable as flipping a coin.

Technical analysis involves looking at charts, drawing lines, and convincing yourself that you’re seeing something meaningful. You’ve got your support levels, your resistance levels, your moving averages—it’s all very scientific-looking, but in reality, it’s like looking at an abstract painting and trying to figure out if the artist was happy or just drunk. You can spend hours analyzing a chart, only for the market to go in the complete opposite direction of what you predicted.

One of the most popular tools in technical analysis is the moving average. Traders use it to smooth out price data, which is basically a fancy way of saying they’re trying to ignore all the chaos and focus on the average price. It’s like putting on rose-tinted glasses and pretending everything is fine, even when the market is collapsing around you.

Then there are candlestick patterns—those colorful bars on a chart that traders claim hold all the secrets of the universe. There’s the hammer, the doji, the shooting star—it’s like a secret language, and if you don’t know it, you’re not in the club. But here’s the thing: even if you do know it, the market doesn’t care. It’s going to do what it’s going to do, no matter how many dojis you find.

Traders who use technical analysis are often looking for trends. They want to spot when a stock is in an uptrend or a downtrend, so they can jump on board and ride it to profit. It’s like trying to catch a wave while surfing—you’ve got to be in the right place at the right time, and even then, there’s a good chance you’ll wipe out.

The problem with technical analysis is that it’s inherently backward-looking. You’re using past data to try and predict the future, which is like trying to drive a car by only looking in the rearview mirror. Sure, you can see where you’ve been, but you have no idea what’s coming up next. And if there’s a curve in the road, you’re probably going to crash.

Despite its flaws, technical analysis is incredibly popular, mainly because it gives traders the illusion of control. When you’re staring at a chart, drawing lines, and making predictions, you feel like you’re in charge. You think you’ve cracked the code, that you’ve found the secret to making money. But in reality, you’re just guessing, like everyone else.

There are countless indicators in technical analysis, each with a fancy name and a dedicated group of followers. Bollinger Bands, MACD, RSI—it’s an alphabet soup of technical tools that traders use to convince themselves they know what’s going on. But at the end of the day, the market is unpredictable, and no amount of chart analysis is going to change that.

If you’re thinking about using technical analysis, just remember that it’s not a magic bullet. It’s a tool, and like any tool, it’s only as good as the person using it. And even then, there’s a good chance that the market will do something completely unexpected, leaving you scratching your head and wondering why you bothered in the first place.

Market Crashes: That Time Your Roller Coaster Ride Ended in a Pool of Piranhas

Market crashes are the stuff of nightmares for investors. One minute, you’re on top of the world, riding the stock market roller coaster with your hands in the air, and the next, you’re plunging into a pool of piranhas, wondering where it all went wrong. It’s terrifying, it’s chaotic, and it’s part of the game.

Crashes happen when the market decides that it’s had enough of your nonsense and decides to tank. Sometimes it’s because of bad news—an economic report, a political event, or a tweet from a billionaire with too much time on his hands. Other times, it’s just because everyone suddenly gets scared and starts selling. It’s like a stampede of terrified cows, all running in the same direction, trampling everything in their path.

The worst part of a market crash is the uncertainty. You don’t know how bad it’s going to get, how long it’s going to last, or if your portfolio is ever going to recover. It’s like being stuck on a roller coaster that’s lost its brakes—you’re just holding on for dear life, hoping you don’t end up in pieces at the bottom.

Market crashes are also a test of your nerves. When prices are plummeting, and everyone around you is panicking, it’s hard to stay calm. You want to sell, to get out before things get worse, but you also know that if you sell now, you’ll lock in your losses. It’s a catch-22, and no matter what you do, you feel like you’re making the wrong decision.

The funny thing about market crashes is that they’re often followed by recoveries. Just when you think all hope is lost, the market bounces back, and suddenly everything is fine again. It’s like being in a horror movie where the killer is chasing you, and just when you think you’re done for, he trips over his own feet, and you manage to escape. It’s a wild ride, but if you can hold on, you might just make it out alive.

During a crash, everyone becomes an expert. Your neighbor, your barber, the guy at the gas station—they’ve all got opinions on what you should do. “Sell everything!” “Buy more!” “Move to Canada and start a new life as a moose farmer!” It’s all noise, and trying to make sense of it will only drive you crazy.

The best thing you can do during a crash is to stay calm and stick to your plan. If you’re investing for the long term, a market crash is just a blip on the radar. It’s scary, it’s painful, but it’s not the end of the world. Unless, of course, it actually is the end of the world, in which case, your stock portfolio is probably the least of your worries.

Market crashes are a reminder that investing isn’t easy. It’s not just about making money; it’s about surviving the bad times, holding on when everything around you is falling apart, and coming out the other side with your sanity intact. It’s a test, and only the strongest, or the most stubborn, make it through.

If you can learn to embrace the chaos, to accept that the market is going to crash from time to time, you’ll be a better investor for it. It’s not about avoiding the crashes; it’s about surviving them. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll look back on it all and laugh. Or at least chuckle darkly while sipping a drink on a deserted island somewhere.