Somewhere right now, a man is reaching for a sock and a loop of his small intestine is reaching for a new career. That’s a hernia. It’s what happens when the abdominal wall files for early retirement and a piece of your gut decides to start its own LLC outside the body. Hernias don’t strike…
Congratulations on the divorce, you magnificent disaster. The papers are signed, the dog picked her, and your therapist has officially started charging you in advance because last time you “forgot” your wallet for three weeks running. The good news? Your motorhome doesn’t care about any of that. America has roughly 3.8 million miles of road…
If you are reading this, something has gone catastrophically wrong in your day. You have diarrhea. You are Googling “worst hot peppers to eat when you have diarrhea.” And somewhere, in a quiet office in suburban Connecticut, your gastroenterologist just dropped his coffee mug and doesn’t know why. Let’s be clear up front: asking which…
A chicken walked into a dentist’s office last Tuesday. The dentist screamed. The chicken also screamed, but only because it had been screaming nonstop since 4 a.m. because that is what chickens do. Nobody was seen. No appointments were made. But the question lingered in the air like feathers after a pillow fight at a…
The Physical Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much Ice Cream Your body is a reliable narrator in most situations. Touch something hot? Pain. Stay up too late? Tired. But when ice cream is involved, your body becomes the narrator of a novel where nothing makes sense and everyone is sweating for reasons they refuse to discuss….
A fake mustache smell is what happens when hubris meets synthetic hair and loses badly. Somewhere between “this will be hilarious” and “why does this face taste like a wet coin,” every fake mustache wearer arrives at the same dark realization. The thing on your lip has developed a personality. And that personality is a…
