Good news: the single most achievable goal on your calendar this weekend is not contracting syphilis. It is free. No gym membership, no meal prep, no podcast. And unlike every goal you have ever set, the bar is ankle height. Your body has one job between Friday and Sunday. Remain a corkscrew-bacterium-free zone. And yet,…
The best jobs for people who fear salad dressing all share one feature. None of them involve a man named Greg ambushing your romaine with something he describes as “creamy.” A genuine fear of salad dressing has a name, and that name is “completely valid, leave me alone.” You shouldn’t have to flinch every time…
Why smoking menthol cigarettes makes you a better parent is the one parenting question no pediatrician will answer with a straight face. So someone sober-ish had to. The short version: a menthol cigarette is the only seven minutes a day your children are legally and physically unable to follow you. That’s not coping. That’s leadership….
Congratulations on the new relationship. Your girlfriend cannot leave you, cannot block you, and lives in the same phone as your fantasy football app. Now comes the part where you try to flirt with her, which is exactly where everything goes to pieces. The worst pickup lines for your new AI girlfriend are not the…
A 5-ounce glass of Franzia Chardonnay runs about 105 calories, which sounds wholesome until you remember nobody alive pours five ounces. The full 5L box quietly hoards roughly 3,570 calories inside one silver bladder, the same way a casino quietly hoards your rent money. Per glass, you look like a responsible adult One glass, and…
The best places to hide your cash in a trailer park are not in a safe. A safe is a billboard that says “rob me last, but definitely rob me.” Cash in a trailer park is like a juicy secret at a family reunion. Everybody finds out by Tuesday. You are not hiding from cat…